Lesson 24: Woeful Weddings

Yesterday, we had the pleasure of attending a good friend's wedding. The whole day. At a lovely venue with great weather and great food. Glorious.

Only it turns out our toddler is not a big fan. Of sitting down for longer than two minutes, of eating actual food (not confectionery) and of talking at any volume less than shouting.

During the vows, he shouted 'Farty Pants' and 'WHERE'S THE WEDDING?' Hubby had to remove him. He missed the wedding.

During the amazing sit down meal he ran between posh tables hitting strangers with his balloon sword. I'm blaming the magician/balloon man for this one, what's wrong with making a giraffe?

During the speeches, he reached Toddler Boiling Point and started whinging at a concerning volume. We had to leave the room for a Time Out. I missed the speeches.

Do I look like I enjoy weddings?

And throughout all of this, at least once every twenty minutes he declared 'I need a wee!' and 'I just need a poo' which obviously we took seriously. And obviously he mostly didn't need anything. Except a thick ear.

He didn't want to be in the photos. 

He demanded ketchup for his meal and wiped it on the sleeve of his Dad's new shirt. 

He cried when we refused to let him have a second bag of sweets. 

And twice he escaped onto the roof terrace to 'hide.'

If this is how annoying we found our own child throughout the day, I can only imagine how irritating he was to others. Particularly to the poor unsuspecting (but oh-so-lucky) childless people who cannot fathom the impossibility of making your child behave.

We were those childless people attending weddings a few years ago. God they were happy times....and it is fair to say that disrupted speeches, drowned out vows and a smack in the face from a ketchup covered balloon terrorist would have been our worst nightmare. 

Of course, this still is our worse nightmare. But now we are committed. And responsible. More's the pity. 

So you see I was quite looking forward to attending said function as our family unit. He can be charming. He had a nice shirt on. But realistically, had we wanted to enjoy the day, we should have got a babysitter. 

Next time I will get a babysitter, sit peacefully drinking prosecco and if the mood takes me shoot disapproving glances at the unruly children causing noise disturbance (just kidding, they'll have my full sympathy).

I don't care if that is not the Done Thing. It is, without a doubt, the kindest of outcomes.

Lesson 24: Wedding and kids. Urgh. LEAVE THEM AT HOME*. Unless you have a cooperative one. In which case, you could take yours along as a beacon of hope and tut at the disgraceful behaviour of children like mine.

The Unmumsy Mum
[*I know that's not always possible, I'm just bitter because I was wiping a bum during the speeches].