Thursday 9 April 2015

Lesson 56: Eating out with (small) children

"Let's go out for lunch!" I declared the other weekend.

Mr Unmumsy looked nervous. "Is that really a good idea?"

"Probably not. But it might be fun. Let's risk it."

Bless us. I love our optimism. Three years (and two children) into the parenting adventure and we still have selective memory. I wonder if it's an evolutionary tool? Perhaps, alongside other traumatic childcare memories, we are programmed to gloss over horrific restaurant encounters to ensure we don't all stop at one child. I mean we very nearly were a One and Done household (out of choice) and that would have been fine too, but our gut feeling was always to have another one. In for a penny and all that...

So when we deliberate over having lunch out, we tend to recall with fondness the time the baby slept in Café Nero, or the time we actually finished a pizza because we had bribed the toddler into submission and induced an Ice Cream Factory sugar coma...[side note: does anybody else view 'unlimited drinks/ice-cream' as a challenge? I could barely function after my fifth Pepsi re-fill and second bowl of ice-cream topped with budget dolly mixtures, but I felt that somehow Martin Lewis would have been proud of the food per fiver I'd achieved].

Thank fuck for crayons
But eating out is a bloody mission. Best case scenario is you've packed everything you need in the change bag, the baby is having an actual nap (not on your boob), the café or restaurant is quiet, the food comes out quickly and you have a fully charged iPad or smartphone (loaded with toddler apps, naturally). And, dare I say it, I'm sure a dummy is a must-have at such times. Neither of our boys would take a dummy, and we often encounter 'oh you must be so glad they don't have dummies' comments as though we have achieved something by raising children dummy-less. In actual fact I have often observed the 'life-saver' testimonies of dummy fans and thought 'I could use my life saving right now.'

Worst case scenario for a meal out is that all small children are awake, you have forgotten the raisin boxes and other appropriate bribes, the iPad has crashed, the restaurant is busy and the toddler needs a poo. This is essentially what happened last time we had lunch out. Small children cannot be expected to sit still. I get that. But Jesus. Entertaining two children under three whilst sat around a table in the middle of a busy pub should be added as the final fucking challenge on The Cube. I engaged in no actual conversation with my husband outside of 'I'll have him for a bit so you can finish your sandwich,' 'He's been sick on your shoulder,' 'Can you take him for a poo this time?' and 'Where's the bloody Angry Birds app gone?' To top it off, we paid £40 for the privilege.

Cracking out the emergency crisps
But I know the next time we toy with the idea of lunch out we will forget the spilled drinks, the shouting, the burnt fingers, the protest planking over not being allowed to eat ketchup (on its own, with a sharp knife).

And I think this amnesia is probably for the best.

I don't want us to become a family who doesn't even try. If nothing else the legacy of the table covered in crayon, sick and two thirds of our uneaten meal shows we tried. A+ for effort. And a baby and toddler meltdown outside of the house is still preferable to one inside of it, in my opinion. Not just because the public arena prevents me from shouting "For God's sake will you PACK IT IN! Right, no more treats ever again!" (as I find a treat and put Scooby Doo on) but also because these moments are the things we will laugh about in years to come. And, if truth be told, they are the things I will blog about.

The Unmumsy Mum


24 comments:

  1. I know exactly where you are coming from, we have said many a time we are never doing this again with a 2 yr old but a few weeks later we attempt to eat out again.have to admit when it's just me and little one occasionally I'll make lunch in house and as a "treat" will take him for milk and cake, though in reality it's really for me to enjoy a cup of tea and cake in quiet while he eats his cookie!! I'm due in 2 wks so eating out will take a new twist when there's two of them!!

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  2. Funnily enough I was just discussing this topic with my OH last night. He suggested us grabbing lunch in town at the weekend and I responded with "Grab lunch? You know it'll take four times as long with a child and will be very stressful, right?" Though in defense of my 2yo, occasionally she behaves perfectly in restaurants, eats her food neatly, doesn't cry and colours nicely and we STILL don't enjoy it because we sit there tensed like she's about to explode. Urgh.

    Just wanted to say thanks so much for all your posts. I pretty much read through them all the other day when I needed a break. It's so nice to hear someone posting about the negative side of parenting, sometimes. My Facebook feed was seriously making me think I was the only human in existence that ever reached breaking point or had a willful child. So thanks for that. :)

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  3. Even worse is all of the above + your childless relatives who spend fucking ages deliberating over the menu or are late! Do they not realise we are all in a limited time frame opportunity here, with a literal ticking time bomb of a toddler who needs feeding immediately or nap time is fast approaching!

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  4. Yes yes yes! Yesterday my husband suggested we sit for a 'quiet drink in the sun' at our local (small person in tow). To say the least it wasn't quiet 😏

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  5. I am ill in bed. Consequently I came across your blog and have just read it. ALL of it!

    My kids are 26, 19 and 13 plus 2 Grandsons. I do believe you may be ME!!

    Thank you for your honesty, entertainment, fabulous writing and for deciding to blog xxx

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  6. I have to let you know that this has happened to me many a time and I swore I wouldn't put myself through it again,but todays my birthday and I was fed up of lunch out being mc donalds or something. So we went to a nice little restaurant we always wanted to try and do you no what a miracle happened.Yes you heard me both my kids sat played with crayons and paper and then had their food.I couldn't believe it no shouting no arguing over the same food its usually I don't like this or I wanna burger or can we go home and the last one comes from the other half.But no nothing, but now I wonder did my babies just all of a sudden grow up on me. X

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  7. Lol. My friend and I attempted a lunch out this week. We have 3 boys each. 6 boys aged 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 & 1.......!!!!!!!!!
    We ended up just laughing, as the scene was noisy, chaotic but very funny. Xx

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  8. I was feeding my son baked beans recentl. He opened his mouth to take them and as I put the fork in he half closed it so the fork went in and his teeth pushed all the beans off the back of the fork, all in his lap. He then proceeded to laugh hysterically so that I could not help but laugh also, though I was trying to be serious - No that is not funny - said whilst laughing - Fail! He now thinks he can make mummy laugh by doing this every meal time......

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  9. We have a 2 year old and are currently having a new kitchen fitted have ate out for nearly 2 weeks feels like 2 years! So many broken glasses and spillages I really feel bad as he will behave if he can have a sip of a fizzy drink swore I'd never let him have one but after the the last week anything for a quiet life. All will change next week!

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  10. Love this blog. As a mum of 2 boys (3 and a bit and almost 8 months) I can relate to almost everything! Frequently make the mistake of forgetting what a nightmare it is eating out with them! Tried having a BBQ with them this evening and spent the entire time saying 'stay away from the BBQ' and 'stop eating the ketchup on it's own, you have to dip something in it, no your finger doesn't count'. No doubt we'll forget and attempt countless BBQs through thr summer! Great to read something entertaining about the realities of parenting :)

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  11. Ha! "The final Fucking challenge on the cube" I am laughing out loud as I feel exactly the same way about taking ToddlerMonster out of her natural habitat and into the public domain. My husband had to work a few weekends ago and so I bravely attended at family 70th bday luncheon. oh dear god, what a mistake!! 2 willfull kids in an overrun Groupon friendly hotel. Actual hell.

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  12. ahahah LOL funny - tears rolling down my face - yes we do it as little as possible - it's just dire! Keep writing chick you make me laugh and that's no mean feat! xx

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  13. where do you guys eat?!? ive worked in a restaurant for 6 1/2 years (mummy for nearly 2 years) + i see it as part of my job to entertain the little ones + prevents the tantrums before they happen. its part of making your experience with us enjoyable + because of this we very nearly have eating out mastered (the only thing i know btw lol) now whoohooo! this is what works for us (most of the time) + hopefully some of you reading :) a stash of crayons + paper are now classed as an essential in his changing bag. try find a pub with plenty of straws and balloons they are life savers especially mid tantrum lol meet up with others 60/90mins before you actually want to eat + have snacks to hand or order cheesy garlic bread asap. try order something they dont have often; i dont know the logic but kids hardly ever eat their favourites when out + about.

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  14. Totally hilarious and deadly accurate. You're my new hero. :)

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  15. Brilliant. I've compare myself to a friend whose toddler sits and calmly stays in one place while my 2 yr old is screaming "out" when ever I try and keep in the high chair longer than required or need to sit for longer than 10 minutes. Blaming myself for not being able to "control" him.....no more! It stop s now! My active little dude has some amazing qualities and I need to focus on these and not force him (or me) into situations that I know are gonna be trouble (for us both) .... oh and ditch the "perfect" judgemental friend too! Ur blog is amazing. Got number 2 on the way, due in a few weeks and I'm so glad I've found u ready to make me giggle and feel . normal this time around. Thank you, thanks again X

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  16. i adore this blog, so refreshing to hear someone who is honest about parenting! excellent reading!

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  17. I discovered this weekend that wacky warehouse pubs now let you order your food into the wacky warehouse section which means they play while you wait for the food and no tantrums. ...hope this helps :)

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  18. Fabulously witty, funny & so so true!! I absolutely LOVE your blog...it makes me smile at the end of a very loooong day!!!

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  19. I have recently discovered your blog and it is the best anti-depressant a mother could ask for. I literally cry with laughter. Thank you :-D

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  20. I love you... It's like seeing my own thoughts and experiences in print Mum of 3, 8,3 & 1, husband works away.... You should be prescribed to all parents. It's such a relief to know we are far from alone! Thank you and thank you all for your honest, refreshing comments.

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  21. My toddler projectile vomited over me yesterday in our favourite pizza restaurant...before the food had even arrived! I looked like the winner of an exorcist themed wet t shirt competition and smelt even worse. The husband wanted to stay and finish the meal, unbelievable! I went to the bathroom to scrape the cheesy lumps of cucumber out of my bra and asked the waiters to make that pizza to go on my way back to the table. Not quite the 'nice' family meal I had in mind and not sure when I will pluck up the courage to return to the scene of the crime...on the plus side this may do my waistband some good!
    Great blog. Discovered you recently and genuinely enjoy reading your posts, never read any sort of blog before as not particularly interested in this selfie culture we live in but yours is the absolute exception, thanks.

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  22. This made me laugh till i cried, only because it is so true and hilarious when it is somebody elses tale of woe. When this happens to me it feels like the end of the world and you mutter ' wish we hadnt bloody nothered now.' Thanks for the giggles

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  23. And you will no doubt talk about these events for years to come - great for when you are entertaining the kids friends!! When our eldest now nearly 25 year old son was about 9 months old we ventured on a holiday to Cornwall a place we had visited many times before kids. We had a favourite restaurant - one of the Meaderys in West Cornwall. A place known for it's casual dining - you eat your scampi and chips with your fingers off wooden plates - I know wooden platters are everywhere now but we are talking 25 years ago. So we thought child/baby friendly no probs could even keep him in the buggy. Well as soon as the food arrived he started howling, obviously too young to appreciate the crayons etc. Hubby and I ended up eating in relays alternating between walking the babe up and down outside.
    And ......we have been back the the restaurant many times since .....the owner remembers the event well and we still laugh about it and to complete the "circle of life" my son and his partner visited the restaurant whilst on holiday in the area last year.

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  24. I have found that I can do lunch with a 3 yr old and a 16 month old more easily on my own than I can accompanied by the bloke and our 6 yr old. At times it has been almost tranquil!!!

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