Saturday, 10 October 2015

The Can't Be Arsed Workout for Busy Parents

10 everyday exercises for busy parents:

Squat to enjoy 0.2 seconds of sofa-sitting. Return to standing immediately when you hear shouting (repeat x infinity).

Weight lift children who are refusing to move of their own accord (it's not really possible to do reps here, you simply have to carry them forever unless you can find some bribes in the change bag).

Sprint to stop your toddler free-falling from the deadly corner of the climbing frame he would otherwise topple off.

Challenge muscles you never knew you had by climbing up endless rope ladders whilst carrying straw mats to access shit slides.


Hurdle over discarded items like regurgitated banana and naked Barbie. When it's no longer possible to dodge all the crap in front of you it might prove easier to dive right in and swim through it.

Lunge to pick up flattened raisins off the floor (WARNING: exercise caution if you spot chocolate raisins you don't remember buying).

Hop the length of the landing in agony after stepping on bastard Lego.

Commando crawl to the fridge for healthy snacks wine*.

Invest in a punch bag and pretend it's Topsy and Tim's mum and/or your husband when he is more than ten seconds late home.

Bounce a teething baby on your hips (WARNING: once you have practiced this exercise a few times you may find yourself repeating it involuntarily  at the checkout when you have no baby with you. Like a bouncy weirdo).

Well done! Refuel with some custard creams.
 
THIS IS NOT A SUBSITUTE FOR REAL EXERCISE.
OBESITY KILLS. EAT AN APPLE.
*ALWAYS DRINK RESPONSIBLY

The Unmumsy Mum



30 comments:

  1. Ha ha I caughtyself rocking a loaf of bread to sleep in the checkout queue once. what a moron!

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  2. Brilliant! Been saying I'm going to the gym 3 days in a row now!! Instead sat on arse eating cake!

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  3. Today I had the baby in the sling and rocked an empty pram in front of me...

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  4. I rock the trolley in the supermarket like it's a pram. My youngest is eight. There IS no hope.

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  5. Just comedy!!! Love the 'sprint' to save child!!! My menace two year old legged it out the school gates and I sprinted after than I ever knew I could and yelled like a crazy insane nutter mother!!! Great read as usual xxx

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  6. Luckily for me I stopped having to bounce my two on my hip along time ago. Now I have to wrestle them to the floor for the chocolate (little do they know I have a secret stash!), which I think could be classed a cardio workout.

    Although I'm still careful when lunging to pick up a squashed raisin off the floor; they maybe teenagers now, but their habits are rather questionable!

    Thank you for the giggle.A perfect post to finish with for the evening.

    xx

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  7. Brilliant! It is, in fact, the only workout I ever do. And I'm supposed to be running a 10K tomorrow. Shit. Thanks for another great read!

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  8. Ha the last line had me particuarly in creases x

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  9. So glad to hear I'm not the only one who detests Topsy and Tim's mum x

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  10. So glad to hear I'm not the only one who hates Topsy and Tim's mum. To be honest I also hate Topsy and Tim...

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  11. Ha Topsy & Tims mum I couldn't agree more with her 'twintastic-ness' makes me wanna vomit.

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  12. Hang on, I thought wine *is* a healthy snack? It contains grapes, right? So it's one of your 5 a day?

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  13. I bet Topsy and Tim's mum is called Ruth! Twat-tastic!
    Great post 'obesity kills...eat an apple' 😂😂

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  14. I don't like Topsy and Tim's mum either!

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  15. My boy is nearly four and the sound of a baby crying has me rocking and bouncing still, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Yes, the rest of the world does seem to think I'm mad.

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  16. Always doing the bounce - did it at a friends the other evening when baby was home in bed with hubby! x

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  17. Hahaha love this hunny, according to your workout list I should be fit as a fiddle... best one sprint to save a child...a daily occurrence here. Stopping by and saying hello. *waves

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    1. Haha hello lovely yes I'm sure I should be seeing the benefit by now 😉 Thanks for reading, hope you're well x

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  18. This is excellent, will have to link you to my blog, thank you far tho laugh, I needed it, let us know when your book is out! Rx

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  19. I have three girls, all have used a rocking cradle for daytime naps and that annoying time between teatime feed and last feed at ten-ish. I would rock it with my foot. The you hear hasn't used it for8 months...I still sit and phantom rock the thing!!!

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  20. these are great! i am going to have to try these!

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  21. I am a grandmother and even I can seeth silently when seeing Topsy and Tim's mum at my daughter's home. In the 70's I was involved in running the group meetings of the "Meet a Mum" Charity in Birmingham and we were all about this kind of thing then. It probably saved our children's lives !

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  22. The greatest obstacles to people becoming or staying physically fit. Many people don't have physically demanding jobs but are no less tired than those who do. They simply haven't gotten in any exercise. Jennifer

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  23. This has been my exercise routine for the last 5 years. Absolutely Brilliant Love it.

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