Monday, 11 April 2016

An Alternative Fireman Sam Script

[Dilys Price is chatting to Trevor Evans inside her shop]

Dilys: Oh Trevor, I’ve been having dreams about you and what we could get up to on your bus.

[Trevor, clearly uncomfortable about her sexual advances, is saved by the shop door flying open. Fireman Sam enters dragging Norman Price in by his ear]

Fireman Sam: I’m afraid Norman has been up to no good again, Dilys. I found him skateboarding between cars down at the harbour, he almost caused a pile-up.

Dilys: Norman Price! What have I told you about skateboarding between cars? You silly boy.

Norman: Sorry mam.

Fireman Sam: Sorry isn’t good enough this time, Norman. I’m afraid I’m going to have to have a word with your mum in private. Go to your room.

Norman price: You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my father!

[A knowing look is exchanged between Fireman Sam and Dilys. Norman’s face turns even paler than normal as he clocks Sam’s hair colour and starts reflecting on all the historic unwarranted patience Sam has displayed whenever he has been a total bellend]

Norman: Mam? Say something!

Dilys: It was one night, Norman. Strip poker got out of hand at the Floods’ house and Sam and I… well, Sam and I made you.

[Fireman Sam winces at the memory, it is plain to see he had his beer goggles on that night but doesn’t want to upset Dilys by labelling it a mistake]

Fireman Sam: We thought it best not to tell you, Norman. It has been tricky keeping it a secret. Both Station Officer Steel and Penny have voiced their suspicions, mostly because you have set fire to yourself and the rest of PontyPandy a gazillion times and yet still I have refrained from joining in with the others when they call you a dickhead.

Trevor: [coughs loudly] I think I should get going...

Dilys: Oh Trevor, please don’t be jealous of the night of naked passion Sam and I had on board Jupiter. It’s you I love.

[Trevor exits, leaving Dilys with her head in her hands]

Norman: I can’t believe I didn’t know that the bravest firefighter in PontyPandy is MY DAD. Are you going to pick me up and take me out in your fire engine every other weekend?

[Fireman Sam’s phone rings]

Fireman Sam: Hello? Penny, what’s happened? [cartoon squeaky phone voice from the other end] I'll be right there... I’ve got to go, Dilys - Mike Flood is stuck on a roof again and Elvis has made the situation worse. I honestly don’t know why anybody finds the ineptitude of a brainless firefighter so endearing - Elvis is a bloody liability. Let’s pick up this conversation again later, Norman.

Norman: Okay dad.

[Fireman Sam leaves the shop, vowing to never have drunk sex with a randy shopkeeper again].

The End.


  1. Bloody fantastic! Paul and I have always said Sams Normans Dad. Made me laugh out loud on a freezing cold day looking after a poorly yet determined toddler.



  2. This reminds me of the 'backstory' I wrote about this show after one too many episodes when my son was small!!! Must dig it out - it was very in depth as I hadn't left the house in a while!!

  3. Yes always thought this too.
    It's banned in my house though because of Norman.

    1. I'm sorry but that's ridiculous

  4. OMG! I woz reading that using their actual voices in my head! Hilarious!!! Just wot I needed. Hahaha

  5. My son loves Sam but they should definitely make this version for the parents...much better

  6. Absolutely hilarious! I LOVE IT! I can actually hear the voices as I read it - I've clearly watched far too much Fireman Sam.

  7. Classic!!! made me chuckle out loud... x

  8. Hilarious! So true, Sam and Norman are the only two red heads in pontypandy (even though the population is about 10!)

  9. Haha loved it!!

  10. Brilliant.
    Suggestion for the next episode?
    Norman (finally) gets put in juvenile detention,
    Everyone leaves Pontypandy because it's un-insurable, despite the main culprit now being in Juvy.
    The end.

    The show can now be cancelled and we can all have a little respite until Peppa bloody Pig comes on.

  11. Fantastic lol!! X

  12. Love this! As o was reading it out loud to my husband (and attempting to do all the voices!) my 1 year old started giggling at me - he is obsessed with fireman Sam so I'm taking that as a compliment that I got the voices down...

  13. Brilliant 😉 even funnier because I was reading it with a Welsh accent xx

  14. Bloody hell here I am sitting in this semi posh country hotel reading this whilst enjoying a beer......

    I am now the nutcase in the corner laughing at himself!!! I think you should get a late night edition of fireman sam!!! ha ha

  15. Omg I am dying, so many times i've watched childrens shows and thought, nope you wouldn't have said that! Great script, made my afternoon :)

  16. Oh Unmumsy Mum this couldn't have been better timed. My 5 year old is obsessed with fireman Sam at the moment and has just discovered more episodes online (mummy fail), I hear the theme song in my head all day!!

  17. Well that just made the 2:30am night feed a little easier!! Read it all with their voices in my head, hilarious 😂

  18. This is hilarious! 😂 I also read this with their voices in my head. Xx

  19. You need to do post man Pat next, Pat is quite clearly the father of the doctor's daughter as she is identical to Pat's son!

  20. Hahah love it u should write another one

  21. We have suspicions of Postman pat being a lothario too, there are quite a few red headed children in greendale . . .

  22. This has made my day (at home with the toddler so not a lot to beat but there you go)! Fantastic!

  23. Love it. I banned it a long time ago. I always thought that it was an anti-Welsh hate crime ;-)

  24. Totally hilarious! I also read it with their voices in my head, and background music from the show as well. Now thanks to you, it will be playing in my head all night while I ponder about Sam and Dilys...