Friday 21 June 2013

Lesson 2: Other Mums Must Be Lying


Every new mother must, at some point, have had the following thought: 

My life is over.


Admit it. No of course you won't admit it - because new mums will smile, gush about how magical the birth was (see Lesson 1 for my thoughts on this) and generally just get on with it. And that, I believe, is where we let each other down.


My first experience of this over-exaggerated coping came when I took my six-week old son to a local breastfeeding group. I was shattered. Cream bloody crackered. He was waking up every hour, my husband had just gone back to work, and I was in that panicky stage where it takes about three hours to get ready and you take a full-to-brim Yummy Mummy changing bag with you to cover every eventuality (except four changes of clothes due to nappy leakage, for which no mortal could have prepared).


Don't get me wrong, breastfeeding/baby groups can be a godsend - a chance to get out of the house, have a cup of tea, and mix with like-minded mums. Wonderful. Except the like-minded bit, which was not my early experience. The other mums were always lovely, of course they were. But I needed a rant, a vent, a scream about how awful sleep deprivation is. I needed solidarity from other slightly fed up breastfeeders who were also at the end of their tether with having to get their boob out every half an hour having never finished a meal. I'd hoped we'd all rant and vent together.



Joyful
Except the other mums didn't do either. They all looked so happily mumsy. Breast-feeding was going well, their babies were already in some sort of a sleep routine, yes they were finding it a bit tough but  they couldn't even remember life before the baby. My declaration of "god it's AWFUL isn't it?!" was met with sympathetic but not understanding smiles.  Any expression of unhappiness in these circles runs the risk of sounding like not coping ("she's probably got a spot of post-natal depression"). There is simply no room for a downright good moan.

Herein lies the problem for women like me. The non-mumsy mums. The mums who are totally in love with their child but struggle to enjoy the endless feed/poo/cry/not having time to have a shower in peace cycle. The mums who can remember life before the baby - sleeping for nine hours, having clean hair, deliberating on topics more highbrow than which boob feels fuller ahead of the next feed and comparing nappy contents. This does not mean I regretted having a baby - I never ever have, and I hope my son knows that in years to come. But Jesus Christ those first few months were tough. 


The day I met a now VERY good friend of mine sticks in my mind due to all of the above. My husband came home to find me pacing the living room in tears trying unsuccessfully to calm down an uncontrollable baby (he had acid reflux due to a floppy larynx, not known to us at the time). I literally handed the baby over, put my shoes on, and headed out for some fresh air before I exploded with frustration. I paced the country lanes on the edge of our estate for nearly an hour, and on the way back I bumped into a girl I recognised from our ante-natal classes and the midwife clinic who was putting out her recycling. She looked fed up, she looked tired, and I wondered if she was taking longer over the recycling than necessary to get a moment's break. I asked how she was finding it all.


Her reply - 'pretty horrendous!' I loved her instantly. 


Lesson 2: most mums will tell you what they think they should be telling you. Having a horrendous time of it does not make you a bad mum, and neither does admitting it.


The Unmumsy Mum


14 comments:

  1. God yes! We all need friends like her!!! It isn't all shits and giggles, I fear those women who all look immaculate as I walk around with my vomit or snot stained top! I think some women put on a front and some and I mean a small minority, find it easy. You can have all the patience in the world but a small child will break you! Lol I have a friend who was going throu PND but it wasn't until I told her that I was going through it too, that she admitted and came to terms with it. Great post! Loving the honesty and normality!

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    1. You're so right. And yes, always slightly wary of the 'polished' mums. They either have impeccably behaved children or it is a front. Or I am not coping...we'll go with them bending the truth slightly I think :-) Glad you liked it, not blogged before but finding surprisingly therapeutic!

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  2. I spent my entire pregnancy convinced I'd turn into Mary F***ing Poppins once my first baby arrived. I'd suddenly love baking cupcakes (I've never been a good cook) and want to make loads of crafty-type things (I'm shite at anything arty). When my boy arrived, I loved him so much, but I wished he'd just SHUT UP AND LET ME SLEEP!!!!
    I felt sweaty and jet-lagged all the time. He had reflux so I was regularly covered in milky puke and my husband failed to see my panic as any more than hormonal bitchiness.
    My friend, meanwhile, had a child who went to bed at 6pm and slept through til 8am EVERY NIGHT (or maybe she was lying, I never found out). For every mum who's not coping, there's always some smug cow telling you how easy it is for her.

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    1. God me too. We had an awful first few months due to the reflux - all previously concocted images of tranquility went out the window about 72 hours after the birth! Trouble is, people just don't seem to say 'oh my god isn't this terrible', though I'm sure everyone thinks it. Secretly. And if they don't I like to think they do :-) Thanks for reading

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  3. Really enjoyed reading this. We have spent a lot of time defriending the many couples who paint tbis facade of parenting resembling prancing through meadows whilst wearing daisy chains. It is tough. Anyone else who says otherwise is lying administering crushed up co codomal to their child via thier milk. But that moment when they look up and smile at you or tell you that they love you makes it all worthwhile :-)

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    1. Ha so true! It is so unhealthy to move in parenting circles with 'The Pretenders' - I only wish I'd realised it sooner. Thanks for reading and for the RT :-)

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  4. Just read this for the first time after wiping up yet another exploding poo from a (freshly laundered) gro-bag & it made me smile. Have yet to meet another 'unmumsy' as noone else Ive met at baby group seems to miss going to the bathroom in peace/sleeping/wearing clothes other than pyjamas for most of the day & I honestly thought I was the only one! Love baby with all my heart (goes without saying) but its great having your blog to read & know I'm not alone (in cyberspace anyway!)

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    1. Ahhh thanks so much for reading! You are definitely not alone - in my experience people are just dishonest!!!

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  5. Why oh why haven't I found your blog sooner! I've just spent the last 6 months being made to feel like a second-class-first-time-mum thanks to Mumsnet/Babycentre/askDrSears etc etc.... I have only recently found a mum who is brutally honest about the crapness of life with babies (even though her son is 5 months older than my daughter) but it's so refreshing to be able to speak honestly, and just say that I am feeling crap. And that I miss my old life, but I love my baby, and I'm so confused about everything that is to do with feeding/weaning/sleep (OMG the concept of self soothing was devised by the devil!! - my baby doesn't do it).

    I've been to baby groups where I left in tears because the mums made me feel so.... less than. It's horrific and I think it's appalling the way the 'baby industry' has created the mummy-monster so that unless you are a 'yummy mummy' that has it all together, you're doing a crap job.

    So thank you for your blog. I feel a little less shit now. And that's massive.

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  6. Thank you for your blog. I wish I'd found it when I had my two. I use to hate baby groups. We're all mums, we should surely look out for one another. No, usually I find everyone is usually trying to outdo each other. I never went again. I was made to feel like I was doing it all wrong. Not what you want with your first child

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  7. I had my baby in September 2013, I avoided the baby groups with the "pretenders", I couldn't cope with the unwanted advice or gushing! I love your blog, I have only just come across it but it is so refreshing - you are doing something exceptionally wonderful with your words. Bless you x

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  8. It's such a relief to have found your blog!

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  9. My first child was fairly easy (did that sleeping all night thing) so I prob came across as the smug mum I'm afraid!! (Totally unintentional! ) However we have not had it easy with the 2nd child now 4 months. Nightmare! Can I transfer to the unkempt, top stained, shattered group please!! So glad to have found this blog. Think I'm gonna need it big time!

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