Saturday, 26 October 2013

Lesson 10: For You, Mum.

You will never read this.

So I guess this is a fruitless exercise. What is the point? 

Maybe I don't know. Maybe after ten years of saying very little about how I feel I just needed an outlet to say:

It is so unbelievably shit that you died. 

Being a mum is really bloody tough. 

I need you now. 

I long for phone calls and shopping trips and catch-up coffees. Sometimes when I see other mums and daughters out together I feel like somebody is twisting my stomach. I look away quickly, but I have seen it. It hits me. And I miss what I will never have. 

I miss what you will never have. You will never know that you are a grandmother. "Nanny Debbie" we call you, after Henry pointed to the picture I keep of you on my bedside table and asked 'who's that?' He was delighted with the answer.

We play the 'who's at the door?' game when visitors come round. Last week, when asked 'who's at the door?' Henry replied (with a smile) "It's Nanny Debbie!"

I love him for wanting you to be at the door. But at the same time  my heart broke. 

The late 80s with us girls

Some day soon I will have to explain why you will never pop in for a cup of tea, or pick him up to take him swimming. And why when we say we are going to 'Nanny Debbie's beach' it will be an outing to the beautiful spot we scattered your ashes.

It is all so remarkably sad.

I want you to know that I will think about you every day for the rest of my life. And I know now. How you must have felt knowing you had no control over leaving us to grow up without you. 

Because now I am the Mum. 

And though I find it a struggle I will do a fabulous job at bringing him up. That's a promise. 

After all, I learned from the best.

The Unmumsy Mum

Oh how we miss you. And Crumble the dog.



30 comments:

  1. This is a really touching and honest post. I hope that it brings you comfort to write about it and to keep the memories x

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    1. I have never written anything before but I think it was good for me. Thank you for reading x

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  2. So well written. My mum died at 57, in 2007. As you say, it's just unbelievably shit. It pisses me off, it makes me sad, her absence cannot be filled - that last part is the worst. The only way I know that helps me to cope is twofold. 1 - live twice as hard, once for her, once for me. 2 - use my love and longing for her and pour it into my kids. They get her hugs and kisses from me as well as their own. And I see her in my dreams quite often, that really helps. Love to you xxxx

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    1. You are spot on. I think people often don't realise the feeling pissed off bit, in amongst the loss. Thank you for reading and for your advice, it means a lot to hear from somebody who truly understands x

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  3. Wow - actual tears.
    We nearly lost my Granddad this year to cancer and I had to prepare my children for the worst - and I had to do it without sobbing, which was mega hard. BUT!!!! Hooooray, he was 90 last Tuesday and everyday I'm thanking God for him being here.
    I grew up without a mum - not because she died, she just didn't want me, so my nana & granddad stepped in. It's kind of difficult to have THAT conversation with my daughter. "How come daddy has a mummy, but you don't"?? What do you say to that?
    I feel so annoyed, pissed off and so fucking angry at my mum & dad - look at what they have missed? How could they not want to see me walk, pick me up & snuggle me - how the fuck could they not want to help me grow up and be at my wedding? I feel like this - and they didn't even try!!
    Your mum - she really, really, really should have been able to be there every step of the way and it's so unfair how shit life is sometimes.

    Always sending good wishes your way, you spoil your son every chance you get - and tell him Nana said it was ok! xxxx

    @I_AM_ELLA xxx

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  4. Wow - that totally brought a tear to my eye and put an instant lump in my throat x such a lovely, honest tribute to your mum. It is completely shit and unfair and so many other shitty words, but I'm sure it only goes towards making you an even more wonderful mummy yourself xx hope you're ok xxx sending virtual gin and hugs x

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  5. My god. You have encapsulated all of my thoughts and put it in this post. I lost my mom last April & it's broken me. I am so desperately jealous seeing mothers and daughters. Grannies and grandchildren. Old ladies. I can't believe my mom died. Why did she die? Why is my life having to adjust? I don't want it to move on and face life trying to adjust. It's shit. I hate it. I don't want it to be like this.
    Like you - I don't know why I write it. It's not going to change anything. It's not going to bring her back but it helps. If also helps reading posts like this to know I'm not alone in these thoughts and feelings
    Thank you xxxx

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  6. I've just found your blog, I have an eight week old daughter and lost my Mum last July. she knew I was pregnant. I kow my mum would have been the best Grandma there is, but she didn't get chance. I know what you mean about phone calls, shopping trips and catch up coffees. I often find myself going to phone her and then realising I can't. its hard. there are so many things about this new person I want to share with her. I see my mum in my daughter all the time. that's just as hard. one day at a time eh? x

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  7. Ahhh thanks so much for your lovely comment. One day at a time indeed and so lovely that you can see your Mum in your daughter. Really hard times but think (and hope) our mums would be proud :-) xx

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  8. Thank you for your incredibly powerful and emotional post. You have captured every feeling, thought and emotion that I've been feeling every day for 18 months. It is so shit! My mum died 3 weeks after my twin boys were born, it should have been the happiest time of my life but at the same time I was totally devastated. I feel lucky that she met them but also so angry and upset that the time she did have with us wasn't long or quality time, as she was already so poorly. Every day is a struggle with my emotions and it is nice to know I'm not alone. One of my boys, like many others have said, is just like my mum. She was an amazing Granny to my eldest and would have been to these boys. I didn't grieve at first, being a mum came first, so it's only recently it's really hit home. I wish you a Happy Mothers Day for tomorrow xx

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  9. Lots of tears reading that,alot!! Beautifully put right from the heart, we can thank your mum for wonderful you, she must have been pretty amazing to create such a beautiful woman who I'm lucky enough to call my friend. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, I'll struggle too for very different reasons, but you are the Mum now and a pretty awesome one so enjoy being spoilt by your boys. Much love xxx

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  10. I too am utterly pissed off. I lost my Mum in 2002 at age 57 and my daughter was born in 2010. My husband and daughter will never know my Mum and she will never see me how I am now. A proper grown up with a husband and family. I get so jealous when I see other people with their Mum, the taken for granted childcare, the fun in Mothers day when you have a little one... It hurts every day. I wish you lived near me, I could do with you some days. Someone who just gets it. No platitudes just understanding. Great post, love your blog. First time you have made me cry - I usually belly laugh at how frank and spot on you are xx

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  11. I echo your sentiments exactly! (Lost my mum 7 months pregnant)..crap isn't it?. Xx big hugs xxxxx

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  12. I have just come across your blog and started reading. This entry bought a tear to my eye! I still have my Mum (thank God) and reading your blog has just made me realise how much I take her for granted! I am due with my first baby in 3 weeks time and can't wait to see the relationship develop between my Mum and my little boy.
    I am so sorry for the shitness that you are feeling and I cannot even imagine what you are going through or how it feels but you have helped me to realise that I need to cherish my own mother whilst she is still here and not take for granted that she will always be around so thank you so much for that! Sending love to you. Sam xxx

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  13. You have taken the words out of my mouth, thank you for sharing. I lost my Mum in 2012 when I was pregnant with my eldest daughter. So many things I wish I could ask her about me as a baby and how she coped! Can only hope I have the same relationship with my daughters as I had with her. Your blog usually has me in tears of laughter, this one, just tears. From someone who understands, sending you lots of love. X

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  15. Just found this blog. Love your honesty- thanks so much for writing Xxx

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  16. That is a truly touching post - thank you so much for sharing. I'm in my late 20's and haven't found the guy I'd like to settle down with her - I'm terrified that by the time I do, my Mum may not be around either. It scares me to death. Anyway thank you once again for posting this. It really touched me x

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  17. Thank you for this post. My mum died in 2006, she never saw me get engaged, married or become a mum and I still feel a mixture of overwhelming sadness and anger about it. I'm very lucky to have a brilliant dad who thinks the sun shines out of my little boy (and the feeling is mutual). I thought I was the only one to have pangs of jealousy when I see others out with their mum and their kids ... so thanks for for making me realise I'm not the only one. All I can say to you is the sadness feelings won't go away but they will get easier to cope with. X

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  18. Having just read this I am now writing with tears streaming down my face. Both of happiness and sadness. I am happy that my eldest children who are 16 and 18 were old enough when my mum died to remember her and the times they spent with her so that they can tell their newly born baby brother exactly how she was from a grand child's point of view that typical mum says no so ask nanna! And so very sad that said baby brother has missed out on knowing such an amazing woman who gave me so much. And that his dad will never understand certain things because he never knew her. And that pisses me off! Thank you for this time to cry as I think I've needed it since baby was born ad although I think of her everyday and wish I could call her up especially when the kids do something new or with the older ones something to annoy me, the tears are less frequent after 6 years. X.x

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  19. Very late reading this but I relate to this so much. I lost my mum when I was in my early 20's and she never met any of her grandchildren. It breaks my heart that she never met my daughter (or knew who I married). 10 years on it hurts so much sometimes and I need her so much. Like you though,I think I learnt from the best so she is with me as I try to be a good mum like she was xx

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  20. I have come very late to your blog and have spent the last hour reading from the beginning, laughing out loud and relating to everything I had read. Now I find myself in tears because I also relate to this experience. My mum passed away when I was 19, and in the 15 years since, she has missed my wedding and the birth of two glorious children who I know she would have adored. Life is proper carp sometimes.

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  21. I love your blog and have just started looking at these older ones.....i feel like i could be you, your bloggs are so true and honest. My mum passed away this year, luckily she met my two little ones but oh how i wish she'd see them grow and how i worry that they will not remember her xxxx

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  22. Reading this with tears in my eyes. My dad died when I was 11, and it breaks my heart that my little girl will never know him. He'd have been a fantastic grandad! She often asks about him though, and I tell her that he loves her very much and is watching over her 💖

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  23. Thank you for this post. Like many other commenters I lost my mum too soon and I feel unbelievable jealous sometimes. It's strange it's jealousy for something we couldn't have had even if she had been alive as she wasn't a very well lady but I mourn for all she/we 'should' have had.

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  24. I have just came across your blog and spent the last hour reading from the beginning and literally laughed out loud at the trueness of this blog. This one caught me off guard - I lost my dad when I was 7 months pregnant (my boy is now 7weeks old). my eldest is 3 years old and talks about his grandad constantly it's hard knowing my youngest won't know him. Thank you for reminding me we all battling our own issues but as a mother our kids will make us smile again. Your blog is awesome and can't wait to read on :)

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  25. bless you...I lost my mum when pregnant with my second child ( actually found out I was expecting 3 days after she died suddenly) we were not close all the time but still I wonder....had my third child 1 year later (gulp!) when he was 9 months old my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, moved in with us, but sadly passed away 11 months later.......thank god for children they kept us going and dad too through it all...but sometimes everyday something reminds me of them both and the lump in the throat is always there....but broken by a little person (we have three) farting or singing strange songs ( 'baby baby nuts' instead of 'baby give it up' by kool and the gang tends to be a favourite...the girls choice to sing to their little brother!) plus other bizaare things they do....and I smile but still wish they could see the crazy gang grow up and me knackered but doing it all xx p.s So glad I found your blog....makes paw patrol on cbeebies alot esier when I can read this on my kindle...keep going lovely....speaking up for all us mummies!!!

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  26. Have spent the last two days reading your book and alternatively laughing and crying. It is such an honest reflection of being a mum and often the feelings we don't want to admit to! Although I still have my mum I lost my dad 8 years ago. Although he would have known my husband as we grew up together, he had already passed away before we started dating, then married and had our beautiful little girl. Some days are definitely easier than others but we talk about 'Papa' lots and she will know all about him as she gets older.

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