Lesson 9: The Motherhood Exam

Five test questions every woman should have to pass before being allowed to take delivery of a small person. As seen in all good parenting magazines*

I have highlighted my selected answers in bold and you can see my score at the bottom. Feel free to play along at home. 

1. Is your favourite noise whinging and/or loud irritating play spaces filled with other peoples' children?
Yes, I can't get enough of moaning and screaming children. 
No *shudders at recent soft play encounter*

2. Are you thrilled at the prospect of looking like an older and more haggard version of your former self - almost instantly and for EVER?
Yes, a mature new look!
No. I'd rather not age 10 years in 10 months. 

3. Have you had enough of spending any money on yourself?
Yes. Who needs things for themselves?
No. A new outfit and/or toiletries not bought in Lidl would still be nice once in a blue moon.

4. Are you such a fan of sharing that you would like to spend every waking minute of the day with a smaller person - even toilet time?
Yes. How lovely, like an extension of myself.
No, I prefer to wee/cook the dinner without an irritable other person clinging onto my leg. 

5. Would you enjoy even the simplest of outings becoming a mission with a child in tow? 
Yes. 
NO I BLOODY WOULDN'T.

Results
You scored 0/5. You are not cut out for parenthood. Probably best to stick to the day job for a few more years, or perhaps forever. 

Oh. 
Bollocks. 
That explains it. 

*This is of course all lies. I made it up in a fit of toddler-induced rage.