Sunday, 8 February 2015

Lesson 46: Ten Things You Swore You Wouldn't Do As Parents (But Do)

1) You willingly pick up your infant, and sniff his bum. Not a quick sniff of the general area, but a full inhalation of nappy aroma by burying your face deep into the backside of his sleepsuit. Pre-children, I once heard a woman comment, 'you know it's not your own baby's poo when it's a foreign smell.' I had a little chuckle to myself about how sad her life must be. Three years later, and I'm pretty confident I could pick my child's nappy out of a twenty nappy sniff test. They should add that as a round to The Cube. Turns out foreign nappy smells are A Thing.
'Can you give his bum a quick sniff?'
2) You refer to your spouse as 'Mummy' or 'Daddy', all the time, out of habit. You will try SO hard not to do this but sometimes you will let yourself down. And ask your husband, 'Do you want a cup of tea Daddy?' before looking around and realising your kids are in bed. And 'Daddy' hasn't even batted an eyelid at the loss of his actual name. Arghhhhh.

3) You are dismissive of your child's conversation - something you swore blind you would never be. This dismissal is not because you are a bad parent. But because, after twelve hours of 'I'm Scooby Doo you can be Daphne' and 'vroom vroom VROOOOMM look at my racing car,' you have zoned out and have no chat left to offer so you periodically nod and say 'that's lovely, darling' (whilst checking eBay) instead.


4) You comment 'gosh haven't they grown!' every time you see the offspring of friends or family. Despite remembering embarrassing elderly relatives saying this to you (and pinching your cheeks) when you were little. I mean it's kind of a given, isn't it? Kids grow. Daily. If you don't see your godson for six months it is highly probable that he will have got bigger. Regardless, you will feel the need to comment 'he's getting so big now' and/or 'look how grown up they both are!' as a conversation starter at any social gathering. Yawn.

5) You shout at your kids. At home. In the car. In Tesco. Yes it does all look a bit Jeremy Kyle. And no it doesn't ever solve the problem. But it's how you roll these days. You've made peace with your Inner Chav (see Lesson 37).

6) You also nag. Like a broken record of parent fussiness, repeating instructions that nobody (least of all your child) is listening to. Like 'can everybody just calm down a bit,' 'play NICELY' and 'we're not going anywhere until you stop whinging' (the latter being said as you leave the house whilst everybody is very much still whinging, because you are too weak to follow through with threats).

7) You care less about what you look like. Not all the time - sometimes you will care more. You will care quite a lot if you are going to come into contact with people who knew you before you incubated two small humans (your worst nightmare being them thinking you have 'let yourself go.') But daily life with kids gets in the way of self-maintenance, you will neglect to shave your legs, lazily throw that hoody on again (the comfy one with the baked beans stain), find yourself in your dressing gown at 6.45pm eating fish fingers straight off the baking tray and conclude that yes, you have indeed let yourself go a bit.

8) 'I'll never bribe my children' you once said. How's that working out for you? For 99% of us, bribery is the backbone of parenting. Behind every good child is a Percy Pig biscuit, right? The remaining 1% are using some kind of witchcraft or sorcery. [See also, 'We won't let them watch too much TV.' HA HA HA HA].

9) You use baby talk, giving every object a nickname. Milk become 'milkies,' bottle becomes 'bot bots,' nappies become 'nap naps' and soft toys/comforters become 'snuggies' or 'bunnykins.' Just the other day I said to my husband (and I quote) 'If you sort out his bot bots, I'll change his nap naps and find his snuggies.' WHAT A TWAT.

10) You over-share your kids' lives on social media. Pictures, milestones, their weekly schedule. We're probably all guilty at times. You want the world to see how beautiful your baby is and the flood of likes and comments reaffirms this. The problem is, people already appreciated his beauty when you posted that last picture...two hours ago. You will be more likely to dominate your friends' news feeds with your first child, who will be posed for endless portrait shots (subsequent neglected children are photographed solely by a blurry iPhone). If this is you, I'm just going to be honest for a second. Whilst the third tooth or unaided roll-over is a milestone for the family, I think it's a fair assumption that nobody else is quite as interested.

Though if you know me personally you can expect upcoming pictures of my eldest next week when he turns three, alongside 'Can't believe how big he is' statuses or similar. I appreciate that there have been 1,095 days since his birth so it's not all that surprising that he has got bigger. 
But he is my baby *sobs into newborn photos*.


The Unmumsy Mum

66 comments:

  1. "When we have a baby we won't watch tv" ...we actually increased our monthly sky subscription to get the Baby Tv channel.
    "We are not going to be one of those couples that takes their child to McDonalds".....the fish finger happy meal is quite a balanced meal if you go on free fruit Friday, isn't it?
    "My child is never having a dummy"....kept this up until 5 months when I finally caved in. And she slept. Hallelujah!

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    1. YES to Baby TV and McDonald's....tee hee! Absolute life savers both of them! Thanks for reading :-)

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    2. I sent a text to my husband asking him to buy a dummy less than a day after our son was born. Haven't actually used it that much as it happens but always reassuring to know it's there.

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    3. FIVE MONTHS! You hard hearted parent from hell you! lol! We caved after 5 days because we were scared that when the health visitor called he would have a suspicious bruise on the back of his hand from sucking on it so hard!

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    4. 2 children (now 24 and 19) - no dummy - EVER.

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    5. Why is no dummy an achievement and getting one seen as caving in? It's not a dig and i'm not pro or against but surely there's a reason they've been around for hundreds of years, they provide comfort. Once their old enough to be comforted in other ways then they need removing at some point, but is this stigma against them modern or had it always been around?

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    6. Breast is best sweetheart - that's why. You don't see a lot of other primates with dummies do you?

      Interesting they are called "dummies" too. Don't they also restrict speech development?

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    7. My child has breast when she's hungry and dummy when she's not. Not giving a child a dummy is not an achievement. It's a decision.

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    8. My son was born almost 9 weeks early and didn't have the ability to suck, swallow and breathe as many premies don't. The Neonatal Nurses recommended a dummy to help him develop this skill and get us home quicker. I wasn't keen, but wanted my boy to feed from me and not his tube and I wanted him home so we took the advise. I don't understand the stigma of a child using a dummy, in our case we were home within 5 weeks instead of the predicted 8 because he started feeding well. He is now 18 months and uses a dummy as a comfort at night.

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    9. I had 2 children, the first sucked his thumb, 5th he second had a dummy, we threw 5th he dummy away, couldn't do that with the thumb, make of that what you will.

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    10. "Breast is best sweetheart - that's why. You don't see a lot of other primates with dummies do you?

      Interesting they are called "dummies" too. Don't they also restrict speech development?"

      Obviously a perfect mother. There is nothing wrong with giving your child a dummy in order to provide comfort. Not all parents can (or choose!) to breastfeed so you're point is pretty irrelevant. There are also lots of things humans do that other primates don't, not always a bad thing... Try to not be so judgemental of others parenting styles, it doesn't make you any better as a mother.

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    11. my son is 3, he has speech and language problems and no he has never had a dummy, not that I'm against them - he just didn't need 1 luckily! new to this blog - but I must say its a breath of fresh air, I'm glad I'm not the only one!

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    12. I did breastfeed, to 20 months, but only got beyond 3 weeks because we "succumbed" to a dummy - cluster feeding had me shredded, literally and mentally. A dummy comforted him enough that daddy could give him a cuddle without major distress on all sides. Bully for you getting away without it. At least I can take a dummy away eventually, not so a thumb.

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    13. My little darling cried almost continuously from 1 -3 months with colic. I did anything and everything to stop crying... including try a dummy ...but predictably refused it.
      I love this blog, its realistic and flies in the face of the 'perfect mother, better than thou' squad. Ironic given a few comments above.

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    14. they are actually called soothers not dummies! had 1 who used it at bedtime for 18 months and 1 who refused 1 completely.

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    15. I was advised that babies who fall asleep with a dummy have a lower risk of SIDS. Also, a happy baby is always a good thing surely. Will grow out of the dummy when they are ready. I know zero adults with a dummy....

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    16. I never gave my daughter one, but only because when my middle niece was weened of hers it was horrible because she missed it so much I couldn't bear to put myself or baby through that! But hey if it helps your baby sooth and keeps you sane then all for it!!

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    17. Love that re no adults having dummies. My cousin is 36 and still sucks her thumb !
      My son had a dummy, loved it, my daughter wouldn't take one... Dammit !
      Knit your own tampon brigade up there I feel ! (Breast is best earth mother)

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    18. She must be called "ruth" hahaha

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  2. My first child unfortunately had to drink cooled boiled water and snack on organic sugar free rice cakes. The second child enjoyed vimto and wotsits!!! Infact you just inspired a blogpost - I'm going to write about my poor first child and her sibling!!

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    1. That is so me! I'm a first time single Mum to a nine month old she only has cooled boiled water purely because I don't know what else she can have that isn't full of sugar. Help! Suggestions please

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    2. Quavers skips wotsits malted milk biscuits digestives... ive seen ellas kitchen snacks but they are expensive compared to 49p tesco plain digestives !! As for drink flavoured water is a fav of my 2yro my other child is 11 days old so she is stuck with milk for now lol ...

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    3. You can add a very small drop of cordial to the water, or buy ready made baby juices :) we give our 6 month old both so that she doesn't get too accustomed to the sweeter drinks and later refuse water (worked with our first!) :)

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    4. Just carry on giving her milk and water. My oldest is 5 and he only drinks milk, water and he occasional chocolate milkshake.

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  3. Haha number 9... I actually called his blanket his 'blanky wanky' the other day.. oops

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    1. Haha. That has just made me cry with laughter to the point I had to bury my face in my pillow so as not to waken my now peacefully sleeping 6 month old who is currently going through the "i don't want to sleep I want to scream so much there is snot everywhere and I'm sick all over U!!" Faze

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    2. Hahahaha I just cackled out loud

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    3. Haha. That has just made me cry with laughter to the point I had to bury my face in my pillow so as not to wake my now peacefully sleeping 6 month old who is currently going through a "no I don't want to sleep I want to scream so much there's shot and sick everywhere!!!" Faze

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  4. Ha ha that is hilarious and honest! Very refreshing to read.

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  5. Yup we have bo-bo (bottle) and for those unwell days pol-pol (calpol) in our house. Cringe!

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  6. Ha ha I use bot bot and nap nap too,along side car car,bath bath etc...It goes on :-/

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  7. All so true and again reassuring to know that I am not the only mum using bribery as a parenting tool

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  8. Yes to all of them. I'm particularly bad at referring to mummy and daddy. I think sometimes I forget my name! Cbeebies and bribery are a lifeline.

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  9. Omg number 2 is so true and so funny

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  10. So so true!! My lg's comforter is called her "darse" (it was my scarf), McDonald's fish finger happy meal = perfectly acceptable, endless conversations about Peter Rabbit and Lily Bobtail... Shoot me!!

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  11. Ha I constantly spam my Facebook friends with photos of my baby even though other people who do that used to irritate the hell out of me! Oh and I swore I'd never use a dummy, hello 2 month old teething baby! Gave him a dummy = problem (kinda) solved! Ooops....!
    Love this! Xx

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  12. I wish I could talk in baby speak! Since having children i've lost the ability to construct simple sentences! Prime example " could u pass me the thingy ma bob from the what's a ma call it"!!!! Christ knows how my husband understands me but he does!!!

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  13. Our son has his "bankie" and "no more"- blanket and bottle of milk. We ran out of milk the other day. My husband said "shall I'm just going round the shop to get some no more okay love" It's even gotten to the stage where my mum asked me to get her a bunch of maana's (bananas) from the shop !!! What's wrong with us? Going against everything we said we wouldn't do lol

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  14. Constantly saying 'have you done a smelly poo poo???' Saying it in a cute voice to make them smile makes like easier

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  15. My parents still call each other Mammy and Daddy even when us kids aren't around. When I say 'kids' I should probably add that we are aged 56, 54, 50 and 44...

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  16. While changing my lb nappy i sing
    "you've done a wee wee
    in your nappy"
    While my niece was learning to use the toilet we altered the song but now i find i sing
    "I've done a wee wee
    On the toilet", even when im on my own - oh dear

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    1. Haha this made me laugh so much! Brilliant!

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  17. Said we'd never start this but... My 1 year calls his sister waawaa (Callie) and now 'mummy' and 'daddy' have started calling her waawaa too!!! Oops!!!

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  18. Absolutely true and hilarious! After 4 kids I've never done this: but it makes me mad when I see mums sucking their LO dummies!

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  19. I have a dog instead of kids, and it's pretty much the same. Baby language (I'm his "mummy" and sometimes we play "ball-ball"), interest in their poo consistency, bribing them with treats... Brilliant observations!

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    1. Having a dog is a world apart from having kids. Go find yourself your own blog to comment on.

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    2. That was rude. She can read what she likes and comment. Anonymity is a wonderful thing for you. Dogs and babies are very similar. I have both.

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    3. Comparing babies to dogs is halrious. ..and quite worrying lol

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  20. Our parental name calling now also stretches to our parents, they are no longer my mum and dad but grani-ani and grandad.....as in, phew the kids are in bed, do you fancy a glass of wine grani-ani?!

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  21. My 2 year old son calls his Grandad "Ga Ga". It makes me smile every time as unsurprisingly he doesn't look much like Lady Ga Ga!

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  22. So funny! I am guilty of so many - especially the 'Daddy' one - vom! I swore I would never do that and yet..!

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  23. I am guilty of them all! And swore I never would...

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  24. Hilarious! I can identify with each and every one. Great blog!

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  25. We have got into the habit of referring to things which have not gone well as "Uh-Oh-ThingInQuestion" This is entirely the fault of my sister in law. Yes. Definitely. Nothing to do with us at all. Also it's nothing to do with us that we use it our normal non parent lives, I definitely did not catch myself, at work, saying "Uh-Oh-Printer" as I loaded another toner cartridge. Definitely not.

    Oh, who am I kidding.

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    1. Hi Owen, do you think you could email me (theunmumsymum@gmail.com) I might like to use your Uh-Oh-Printer story in my book, if you don't mind of course...

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  26. My LB is 10 months old and I've stuck to a few things e.g not giving him a dummy he only drinks water (when with me I can not control his aunties and grandparents) and he does not watch TV and that's only for my sanity my sister has Disney channel on all day everyday and it drives me wild when I'm there. He does however eat lots of chocolate any kind of crisps in fact in the car and his bag i cafry emergency chocolate buttons so that i have something to give him incase he has a screaming fit or is getting peckish (que childhoob obesity and comfort eating my bad) I do t immediately change dirty clothes and he even occasionally had food he's dropped on the floor (depending on where we are) 5 second rule right?

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  27. Another great post, thanks for this! Great and funny read for this morning :-)

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  28. We had 'Bo bo' for bottle 'splish splash' instead of bath, We refer to each other as mummy or daddy. Pander to her delusions that her doll is a real baby, as it so is to her. Have no social life, bribe, tune out, shout, occasionally, well daily loose the plot and I swore I would do none of the above. Ours is now 7 yrs old!@!!

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  29. Fantastic blog.....tell it how it is...its really refreshing to read the truth instead of reading a load of crap from a bunch of super mum wannabes xxxx

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  30. Such a funny but truthful post! You have just inspired me to write one about 10 things you swore you wouldn't do whilst pregars!

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  31. OMG, I refer to nappies as 'nap naps'! I thought I was the only one (quite naive of me I suppose!) one would logically think 'nap naps' would refer to a nap... Nope, an acronym of effluent catchers it is!

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  32. this never ends btw... my spawn are now 21 and 17... i still say ooooh look a nee naw.... the whole family uses the phrase strumblenegs when referring to scrambled eggs and dummies are always doot doots...

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  33. Probably not the only family whose favourite meal is pasta-wasta-woo then... The 4yo is starting to tell me to talk properly now though!

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