Saturday 25 April 2015

Lesson 57: Things that never happen in Soapland (with babies and toddlers)

Real-life shizzle that is largely neglected in Soapland. Corrie scriptwriters take note...
 
During soap births, there is no mention of a placenta. Where the fuck is the placenta? Whether the baby pops out in the back of a car, or in a phone box, or in a hospital bed clearly not soaked in amniotic fluid, once the cord is cut the placenta is forgotten. The 'newborn' baby (who is always miraculously clean, at least 10lb and never has a cone-head or forceps bruising) is handed over and everybody gets on with their day. I blame soaps entirely for my ignorance around this, and my look of bewilderment when the midwife asked if I wanted the injection to get things moving afterwards. What do you mean there's more? Unsurprisingly I also didn't know that the placenta could fail to deliver and get stuck. Yes that happened.  

Recovery from childbirth is immediate in Soapland (after a quick waddle and wince). There is no mad dash to Dev's to stock up on maternity pads or six weeks of avoiding car seat lifting post-section. That said, who needs a car seat? They don't venture further than the 500 square metres surrounding the house.

The baby never has reflux. Colic is mentioned in passing, as they all head off for another child-free drink at the Rovers (don't worry though as Sophie Webster must be babysitting). Nobody says 'Fucking hell have you seen the sofa? There are pools of vomit in the cushion creases again' or
'Why are his neck folds so cheesey?' 

Baby? What baby? Pic via What's On TV
Nobody is sat on the sofa with their boobs out, but everybody is armed with a bottle and steriliser from day one, which I find surprising. In real life, some people bottle feed, some people breastfeed. Of course this isn't real life (the residents of your average street don't enjoy every hot drink in a café and every cold one in a pub, or 'The Bistro') but still, surely amongst the bottles somebody could be sat eating their Roy's Rolls sarnie with a baby on the boob? No?

Soap toddlers rarely behave like arseholes. You never see Lexi lying on the floor of the Minute Mart screaming, or Lily Platt lobbing her Ella's Kitchen snacks at David's face. In fact, where the fuck is Lily Platt? I expect she's upstairs in one of the many bedrooms or bathrooms that Gail's two-up two-down must be hiding (with Sophie Webster supervising, obvs). Sometimes these soap children hold onto an adult's hand and stand quietly whilst a conversation about adultery or pre-mediatated murder of a family member goes on around them. Where are the 'Mummy, mummy MUMMY' interruptions and demands for Star Wars Angry Birds on the iPhone?

Equally, these kids only ever come out with boring stuff. Like 'can you read me a story?' as they blatantly look at the camera crew and wonder who the fuck the stranger is masquerading as their dad. They never shout 'knickers poo poo bum bum head' or ask Siri what the fox said ("Fraka-kaka-kaka-kaka-kow!" if you're wondering).

Clearly I have too much time on my hands because despite all of this, I bloody love the soaps (except Hollyoaks, because that was an omnibus reserved solely for Hangover Sundays, and they died in 2012).

I'd love to hear your own analyses of kids in Soapland...

The Unmumsy Mum



 
 

35 comments:

  1. I ask myself these questions on a weekly basis!where do these kids disappear to without a flicker of the parents eyelids!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I want to know how soap mums manage to get out of the house with clean clothes.... Where is all the mushy food/sick/dribble/poop damn it?????!!

    Love your blogs by the way - this one has cheered me up after a terrible teething filled start to the day!
    Xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Where is denny?
    Missing since October 2014!
    To be fair I would quite like my children to be absent sometimes for months, but be able to talk to everyone like I had just seen them 5 minutes ago. The joys of soap land.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I haven't watched soaps for years (since moving out & gaining control of the tv remote), but my favourite moment involved Tracy Barlow being sent to her room aged around 8 yrs old, only to emerge 10 yrs later as an 18 yr old. A great way to dodge those tricky teenage years.....

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'd like to see the "Who had the crappest day" competition the second Husband walks through the door.
    "Right, take your shitting baby, I've been on my own with him ALL DAY. He needs changing."
    "Could I just get through the door?"
    "No, I've had him since 8am."
    "And where do you think I was, at the spa? I had a teleconference this morning and they heard me snoring. You were in our house and could nap when he napped."
    "You can..."
    etc.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i used to have this with my husband in the early months. We both realised that our days were different. With a baby, a hard day is harder than any hard day at work, but after a while a good day is better than any good day at work. I just stopped comparing, like unmumsy's blog nobody's winning

      Delete
  6. Lily Platt should be tearing up the joint by now but when we do see her the poor wee soul seems to have a condition where she has stopped growing at about 9 months.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hate soap births they go into labour and poof there's the baby! Then within a year they're 5!!! Then they have a bump for 2 days then back to there former skinny selves role models?? I think not! All the houses have an array of extra bedrooms

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hear you ! I love soaps but so many things get right on my wick, like when they change the characters of the kids all the time, like we won't notice!! Bobby Beale is a perfect example, how many times has he completely changed?!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I had my baby around the same time as Kat had twins in EastEnders. I was dumbfounded that writers thought it plausible that only a month later she was trying to seduce Alfie. Really? 6-7 weeks later I was still wincing as I sat down & Kat was up for it was she? Yeah they don't have a clue

    ReplyDelete
  10. We regularly commented on how the baby in breaking bad 'just went to sleep' or how yet could enjoy a nice family meal, together, around a table vs our reality of dad feeding mum whilst mum fed baby just to stop her crying so we could hear the TV!!! Also no one ever changes nappies, yet they're always buying them and no one is ever covered in sick and or other bodily fluids!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. No one's baby ever poos through their onesie. No one gets peed/ pooed/ sick/ drooled on. Total lack of bodily fluids! Oh and no one gets bogeys stuck to them either. And they never get cradle cap or other baby ailments. Does anyone know if the one sock goes missing in ikea too? Or is there no ikea in soapland. I imagine it'd much easier to find said sock in the kabin than ikea lol!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I honestly thought when I went into labour with my first at 7am, I'd be home in time for Corrie that evening!!! I was home 4 days later.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I have often wondered whether there would be a significant increase in breastfeeding if it was what happened on soaps. These programmes are such powerful implicit shapers of our world view. It would be great if people grew up seeing boobs being used for feeding babies when they switched on the TV!

    ReplyDelete
  14. It's the unrealisticness of the likes of Topsy and Tim that bothers me. Why is their mum so happy all the time - is she on valium? Why do the kids never ever get up to mischief. I watching the one when the nits the other day and bloody joy seemed almost happy about their new visitors! For once I'd like to see her shout a little and for the kids to be cheeky and not so bloody polite!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "twit-tastic topsy nd twat-tastic tim" we are moving fucking house alright

      Delete
  15. This is spot on! I always wonder where the babies n kids r n who have they been left. And have u noticed they can always pop out of work as they please ( if we did that we would be sacked!) every always have spotless houses n look perfect why do they never look like slobs n be like I can't be arsed with house work today ..

    ReplyDelete
  16. Kat Slater... Twin babies and a toddler yet always has a full face of make-up, hair done and out all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  17. And the 'mums' are immaculately made up, hair perfectly coiffed and clothes are on trend!!!!! I was in my hubby's trackie bottoms for months!

    ReplyDelete
  18. The reason topsy and tim's mother is so happy is cos she's been getting rodgered by max while the twintabulous twins are are nursery and hubby is slaving away at work. It'll all end in tears........

    ReplyDelete
  19. Even one born every minute skips the placenta bit ... And for that matter does anyone in "real life" get to see the inside of a labour room while they're still capable of carrying their own bag into it? Don't even start me on the ensuite bathroom thing!

    ReplyDelete
  20. A great post - made me chuckle :) It's so true that soaps make having a baby look so easy - having a child doesn't seem to be such a life-changing event in soap land!

    ReplyDelete
  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I was passed some childhood books from my mum the other day and my 2 yr old asked me to read her 'Lucy & Tom's day' by Shirley Hughes; well it tipped me over the bloody edge (as have a 3 month old non sleeper). It was the part after lunch (all eaten up and no throwing of food etc) when Lucy ( the toodler), laid quietly in her bed reading a book/wispering to her dolls whilst the baby Tom slept in the cot next to the bed! But it got better...mummy was downstairs reading a book/writing a letter! Where was the massive pile of washing up/laundry to wade through? And if you didn't have thus to go why was mummy not asleep as well? Well because said darlings slept through and mummy gets to sleep at night. Shirley Hughes clearly does not have children and this book can go back to granny's house. Had to drink wine to recover from reading such lies!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Where the frick is fizz hope and ruby???

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think the main point here is... it's not real life! Maybe we should write a show that is like real life, complete with placentas, babies on boobs and all that stuff :) x

    ReplyDelete
  25. Why do soap mummys never deliver a big healthy poo whilst on all fours spewing up Jaffa Cakes?

    ReplyDelete
  26. Cheer up good people... children in soaps are born perfect but turn into arseholes.. whereas real children are arseholes first then turn into gorgeous well balanced high achieving adults (hopefully/wishfully).

    ReplyDelete
  27. I love how your photo at the bottom is on the Quay in Exeter, my home town! X

    ReplyDelete
  28. Good point. Why are there no placenta deliveries in One Born? I can't believe I never noticed that, especially as my latest birth had a tricky stuck placenta.

    I have often wondered why they never breastfeed on soaps. The only way it would happen would be if they could make some kind of special storyline out of it. It can't just be normalised and part of everyday, like you say sitting on the sofa with your boobs hanging out, lol!

    Did anyone notice when Sonia was helping deliver Pearl that she said she could see the head? Her eyes weren't even at the same level as Kim's foof, let alone was she peering up there!! :-D

    ReplyDelete
  29. They never breastfeed in Soaps because, in Soapland, boobs=sex, not boobs=food.

    ReplyDelete
  30. My Lily was born when Lily Platt was born. Lily Platt was upstairs sleeping in her cot ALL DAY. My Lily was mostly screaming, attached to me, wouldn't be put down for a second and I was fantasising about running away.

    ReplyDelete
  31. He he!! Love this, I sit most nights wondering all of this! Another of my questions re: Hollyoaks how do they get up and down those stairs with a double buggy on their own?

    Great post and congratulations on being shortlisted in the BiBs

    ReplyDelete