Friday 13 November 2015

The Barbie and the Pumpkin - Expecting Too Much

A couple of weeks ago, in the run up to Halloween, I commented on the disastrous afternoon I was having, which had kicked off with a tantrum over a naked charity-shop Barbie and ended with me dragging a howling Henry home by his coat hood. To add insult to injury the hood was detachable and popped off as I tried to juggle the angry child with a pumpkin.
 
It has taken me a fortnight to realise that said afternoon will go down in family history as a story to treasure. Oh how we'll laugh about barbiepumpkingate. The whole situation was ridiculous - from his insistence on me buying him the naked Barbie (whose previous owner had obviously hacked half her fringe off) to the moment he deliberately dropped to his knees on the floor of the shopping precinct prompting a total stranger to walk past and sarcastically mutter, 'Nice.' (That was truly inspired by the way, it really helped. Twat). 


It's only now that I have worked out why barbiepumpkingate upset me so much. It wasn't the tantrum - I don't give two hoots about the public meltdowns anymore and I was actually quite glad I hadn't had £1 for the Size Zero wonky-fringed Barbie (I may otherwise have given in to keep the peace rather than delivering the valuable "I WANT" doesn't get lesson.) It certainly wasn't the first time I had steered an angry child home by his coat hood. Nothing about that afternoon was particularly out of the ordinary (except the one-armed pumpkin-carrying, which was proving a challenge).

So why did I go home and cry?

Well, maybe it boils down to expectations. You see, Henry and I don't usually have any time just the two of us anymore - it just so happened that after shifting childcare around that week we were left with a window of three hours after he finished his half-day at preschool . Not wanting to waste this opportunity I had built up an idyllic afternoon in my head. I had it all planned:

Pop into the library to choose some new books!
Stop off at local café for a milkshake!
Buy a pumpkin to carve together!
SO MUCH FUN.

For once I would be able to hold his hand and properly chat to him without simultaneously having to steer the pushchair and placate the baby with some yoghurt raisins. It was going to be perfect.

But Henry didn't get the memo about the idyllic afternoon. He didn't know I had been looking forward to it and that so much was resting on him behaving nicely. Unfortunately for me he didn't much fancy looking at books, he didn't like the rocky road slice I bought him at the café and after that charity-shop meltdown we undoubtedly should have gone straight home. The fact I further tormented myself by nipping to the Co-op to select a pumpkin (which I chose, he couldn't be arsed) was a mistake on my part. I was trying to squeeze too much into those hours in the name of being Fun Mum.

The truth is, Henry would have been quite happy to have come straight home after pre-school and played in his room with me. We could have devoted an uninterrupted couple of hours to Lego (without me nervously checking the baby hadn't stuck a brick down his windpipe). We could have snuggled on the sofa watching Scooby Doo.

Instead I had built our afternoon up to be something that later left me disappointed. Hence the crying.

Sometimes I think I probably expect too much. I was angry with Henry for letting me down that day, for spoiling our 'special afternoon.' Yet in reality he was in a bit of a shitty mood and simply didn't appreciate my itinerary. He's three. I don't think that registered with me at all  two weeks ago - I was blinded by the Barbie and the pumpkin and the sodding detachable hood.

Of course it's lovely to plan nice things - sometimes those things will work out just fine and you'll end up holding hands and taking selfies. But sometimes they'll leave you wondering why you fucking bother. Next time I'll try to keep in mind that there is simply more to go tits up when you make grand plans.

And next time I'll carry £1 ;-)

The Unmumsy Mum













24 comments:

  1. Totally love this. Having only 14 months between my two I rarely get time with my oldest on his own and worry I don't dedicate enough one-on-one time to him.

    I had a similar experience with my son when we tried to bake cakes whilst the baby was napping. Ended in him not wanting to do it and throwing an entire jar of hundreds and thousands over my kitchen floor. I could have cried - but then the baby woke up and I didnt have time! haha!!

    Not his fault he didnt fancy baking cakes around the little ones napping schedule haha!

    Keep up the fab work, doing a great job at making me feel not quite so crappy! X

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  2. We've all been there. They rarely get the memo, do they?

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  3. Bloody Halloween! We still haven't carved the damn pumpkin!

    http://sonandthemoon.com/2015/11/04/baby-i-love-you-but-youve-been-exhausting-me/

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  4. LOVE this one. So true. And you know what, I had it happen with me and my parents when I was 27, living abroad. Expectations run away with us. I blame Pinterest and Instagram ;-)

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  5. Best of all you realised that your idea of fun and Henry's don't always gel but that's ok, coz the bigger they get the more laughable moments that occur (ok maybe not at the time but later) As always you have managed to express the disappointment felt by US ALL when things don't go the way we planned/imagined in our head. My head is a wonderful place to be so long as some-one else is not involved. Keep smiling as you go forth into your next adventure :o) Sorry to be annon but I can't remember my blinking Google details ( pushed out of my head by some other wonderful plan :op)

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  6. Brilliant! So true, I often expect our family days to be perfect! Build them up so the expectation doesn't become reality and that's it - its ruined! Obviously it isn't, but definitely food for thought for future family times!

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  7. Absolutely brilliant!!!! And so so true, we have all done it x

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  8. I so relate - even at 5 nearly 6 - I find my son's and my itineraries are not the same and I'm left upset and disappointed that I've wasted my time. I'm beginning to realise that although I do things in the name of fun for him if it's not on his agenda or fitting with his mood it's just not going to be fun for either of us and I should instead find out what his agenda is (and that it's realistic!) rather than doggedly thinking this time will be different - I'm obviously a slower learner than you! Love your posts/blogs you wonderfully normalise the difficulties of parenting.

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  9. Aha! Brilliant self analysis. I found that once my first started school I had to lower my expectations of how happy our time after school would be. I really looked forward to seeing him and expected big hugs and happy chats. The reality was big hug and then one unhappy grumpy miserable child. By year one we had agreed not to speak to each other until we were 300 yards down the road. I'm still working on the happy after school bit...he's year four now! Two more years at primary to get it right!!

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  10. Great post. Im sure we can all relate to that...putting expectations on ourselves and children. I always look to weekends as idyllic, opportunities for dedicated family time, maybe involving chocolate milk(costa) but my husband often has other ideas and weekends usually end up with overtired toddler and grumpy husband. Roll on monday!

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  11. Sorry to tell you I don't think the kids ever get the memo. My son who is 11 finished primary school in July. They had a prom style party for the kids and before they all went in the parents were all outside taking photos. My son had a melt-down about what he was wearing. I was obviously built this up into a huge thing, my baby was leaving primary school and found myself hissing threats and telling him he was spoiling MY day! He obviously didn't receive the memo that day!

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  12. Made the same mistake building up a grown up Costa experience by buying my toddler a babycino. Should have remembered there was a time I snorted at the very thought. Won't bother again! Bet Ruth's baby loves the odd babycino sipping it in civilised manner.

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  13. I have a 'Henry' although his name is Sam and he would have done exactly that!! When his big sister is at school and baby brother is asleep I aim for nothing more ambitious than a teacake together watching Paw Patrol! x

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  14. When my outing started with "shut up, get in the car, we are going to have fun if it kills you," that was not a good sign. My youngest was a sweet child, but a monster after school. So, coming home was best. Save the eating treat until last and hold it over the child to get good behavior...lol.

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  15. This is not reserved for young children. My daughters are in the 40s we have planned day outs and they never go to my plans always theirs ...but we love them all the same ..

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  16. My girl is just about to turn 10 and boy is she a fuking delight.... NOT! First thing in the morning - grump! After school - grump! Weekend - grump! I try to plan nice things for us even consulting with her and we choose something together get to the day of said activity and it's like her split personality takes over and she is outrageous and me like a muppet proceeds to carry on hoping she will be nice once we are where ever... day ends with horrendous arguments and threats of adoption ������

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    1. thanks for sharing Fiona. My 12 year old is exactly the same, boarding school sounding more and more attractive!

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  17. This is something I struggle with all the time.
    I work long days during the week, so for the precious few hours my daughter gets my undivided attention, I always want to make it the 'perfect day'.
    I have to remind myself constantly she couldn't care less about Baby Cinos, award-winning playgrounds, or the latest craze in kiddy crafts - all she wants is my time and participation, even if all we do is pull silly faces in the mirror, or throw a ball on the garden.

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  18. Great post and something I'll try to remember on this whole parenting journey. Baby H is 11 months, we get some tantrums... But mostly 'I wanted the remote' and now 'I want to crawl/stand... Definitely NOT be held/sat/cuddled'

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  19. Oh bloody hell yes, the expectations of a lovely outing together, and the attempt to cram in loads of fun things when actually an hour of cutting pieces of paper into ever smaller pieces would have satisfied a small child's desire for fun. My tragedy is that I never learn.

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  20. L is only 7 months old and already most of the lovely things I plan in my attempt to be a yummy mummy (haha!) don't go as I imagine. Inevitably I end up covered in sick/wee/dribble/poo with a screaming baby who has hungry (and obviously I've left the bloody bottle at home) xx

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  21. All too rarely do our children understand the importance we place on the littlest of things. I remember sobbing like a nutter in the rain outside a 'free' stay and play once because we arrived three minutes late and they were full. My son looked up at me through the rain soaked pram cover and said - "Why you sad mummy" I believe at the time I shook my head in dismay and headed back for home through the grey Manchester day with its relentless drizzle sniffing and crying the whole way only to pull myself together as we got back to the front door - ready to face a bake off in the kitchen. Only now do I realise the answer to his question "because for two hours a week I enjoy being the reasonably smug pulled together youngish mum with a child who isn't akin to the devil incarnate in comparison to the other terrors in the group" (leaving out the bit - "because for the rest of my week its just you and me kiddo and I'm always scared I'll be a disappointment to you then.") Having come out the other side of it now I take each moment in my stride more often and don't plan life around things that so easily get tossed in the air by a throwaway comment or feelings of one of my terrors (it was the second one that changed it all) to ruin a perfectly good day for attempting to bake cakes.

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  22. You are not alone (as you've probably suspected but I wanted to say anyway!). We had Black Monday in our house when my youngest was 4. I cried too. But also laughed, not at the time, but a few years later!

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