Friday, 30 May 2014

Lesson 20: Life Is Now

'Live for the moment' they say.
They just might be on to something. 

I mean, I say it. I get it.
I just don't live my life to that tune. 

I am a forward-thinker. A planner. A wisher. 'The moment' for me, is always the moment before something else happens. As a student, I longed to finish University, secure a good job and get a mortgage with my now husband. When absorbed in the world of work, I longed to start a family. When pregnant, I longed to give birth. When I had a newborn, I longed to get back to work...

And now? Well I am pregnant again, working part-time, and living in a Project House (aka the exposed brick conflict zone) mostly looking forward to the end of pregnancy (forever), to finishing the house, and getting a full-time career back on track. 

The Project
I long to not be so bloody skint, and to have money to spend on nice things not purchased on eBay or from The Range (imagine!) With 14 weeks until due date, I simply cannot wait to start doing some proper exercise and start attacking the pregnancy weight gain. Not to mention drinking G&Ts again. 

I'm not enjoying the now.

But I think I could be. I certainly should be.

For these are the moments that will shape the long term family life story beyond all others. Carrying babies in my tummy, investing weekends to sanding woodwork and shifting rubble.  

Arguably the most important years of The Family Story. 

Yet I spend most of my life wishing I could skip straight to Chapter 5.   

So what is to be done? 

Clearly, I am not a 'wake up, count all my blessings, then post them on Facebook' kind of person. I am more of a 'wake up, get into an argument with my two-year-old, then tweet a ranty update' kind of person. 

And there are certain things you can't force yourself to enjoy. Pregnancy, however important to my Greater Life's Plan, remains pretty shit - in my humble opinion, that is. I don't think it is unreasonable to have a small sulk at having to attend all social functions fat and sober.

Preggers again. 
And newborns. Well, I don't really like them. Of course I love my children. But what a marathon of relentless and unreciprocated effort those first few months are. I'm just not a fan. I am not built that way.

But I could give my Constant Forward Planning mode a rest for a while. Before I know it, I will be back to work full time, the house will be in some sort of liveable order and my two boys will be nearing the start of their school days. Right now, I would happily wake up having skipped this bit. 

But one day, someday, I am sure I will look back at the Tough Early Years and regret not having relished the madness of the experience. These years are full of milestones. And whilst motherhood at times seems to bring out the absolute worst in me (shouty rage, boredom, lots of sighing) it also make me laugh. The house is filled with laughter every single day. I don't think I could have said that in the pre-child 'Glory Days'.

Lesson 20: 'Live for the moment' may be a complete cliché, the sort of quote that gets printed on tacky canvas prints for 'inspiration,' but it is actually quite hard to do. I am going to try. 

The Unmumsy Mum