Thursday, 21 May 2015

Lesson 58: "Just have a little patience..."

I don't like letting Gary and the Take That lads down but my patience has gone AWOL. I think it might have died.

A commando-crawling baby coupled with a mealtime-refusing threenager is a test of patience for anyone, no? NO? Just nod. I just need to know that you are nodding.
Because this week I've started to wonder whether I ever had any of this magic patience potion to begin with. I never really needed patience before. Not to the same degree. Sure everybody loses patience at times (stuck in traffic/on the phone to HMRC/trying to assemble IKEA toy storage/dealing with knobheads in general) but I never felt overwhelming surges of impatience until I started producing small people. My well documented moments of shit-losing stem from this lack of patience I'm sure of it.

This week's patience-testing moments have included:
  • Boy One (3.5) having an 'I will/I won't' tantrum. If you've never played this game with your toddler let me tell you it's a real treat. You ask them to do something (like go for a wee before you leave the house) and they point blank refuse ("I won't"). The consequence of this is a warning, followed by the timeout chair, where they scream "I WILL I WILL I WILL" until you remove them from said chair and steer them towards the toilet. Where they forget the preceding ten minutes and shout "I WON'T" again, as another piece of your soul is destroyed.
"Say 'I WON'T' again she's almost broken!"
  • Boy Two (8 months) crying because he wanted a yoghurt then crying some more because he didn't want a yoghurt. Basically it was the yoghurt's fault. Bastard inconsiderate yoghurt.
  • As above but substitute 'yoghurt' for 'Heinz biscotti.' 
  • Boy One walking deliberately sloooowwlyyy back from the park. Not because his little legs were tired but because I'd made the mistake of telling him we needed to get back to feed his brother. Cue a pointless "let's have a race!" attempt from me (he's not daft) followed by the obligatory "I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN" (as I told him again).
  • Teething (enough said) 
  • Both boys whinging for forty minutes in the car, at a volume just above the shit Disney song (on repeat). Any patient mum would recognise her children were just over tired, and sing along to distract them. She would certainly not resort to under-breath swearing. I tried to be patient by winding down the window to drown out the fucking noise take some deep breaths but it was fruitless. I snapped because there are only so many times you can hear Hawaiian Rollercoaster Ride* from Lilo & Stitch without clawing your eyes out. To add insult to injury we were on the way back from sodding SOFT PLAY.
I'm definitely in the wrong job. I am simply not patient enough to be a parent.

Tips on not losing patience received with thanks.

The Unmumsy Mum


 







 
[*It is a classic though. "There’s no place I’d rather be (than on my surfboard out at sea)..."]

57 comments:

  1. Patience and parenting... They were never meant to go well together x

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  2. Brilliant. Sounds a lot like my day (2 boys 3.5 and 10 months). Topped off by tiny monster having some nappy off time to aid teething blistered bum and was shit all over. I mean ALL OVER. Thanks for the laughs though. :-) x

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    1. Love this!! In the same boat - 2 year old and 7 month old boys! Today I made a chilli, portioned it up for them both, 2 year old ate his (yay!!) 7 month old screamed everytime I put more! Great - Ellas pouch it is then!

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  3. Haha this made me laugh so much I had the same fiasco with a chocolate bourbon yesterday - what is with these children don't ask for a biscuit if you are just going through it back at mummy and throw yourself to the floor as if I tried to feed you a piece of wood!! I have very little patience too I do find wine/gin help :)

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  4. Hahaha Yep just summed up my week!! 2.5 year old pooed outside in the sandpit earlier then screamed as I had to clean up everything. 8 month old--- TEETHING. Dam those teeth!! Xx

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  5. Great blog - I had the same yesterday lo (2) wanted a biscuit gave him a chocolate bourbon cue throwing himself on the floor in a massive paddy as I didn't want one as well - I have no patience although I find wine/gin help :)

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  6. My girls are similar ages, and this is my day written down! My patience up and left around the same time as my memory, sanity and bladder control! Thanks Unmumsy Mum, you have made me realise Im not alone! Mwah xx

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  7. At least you swore under your breath! I shamefully shouted FFS at the top of my voice as I dropped my car keys whilst carrying 3 month old, nappy bag, handbag and trying to usher 2.5 year old to the car! This was after I'd been sicked on shat on and cried at, and to top it we were on the way to SOFT PLAY. That was just this morning, don't even get me started on this afternoon! Love your posts, make me feel I'm not alone!!

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  8. Prescription drugs. It's the only way. Better than wine, cheese and chocolate!

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  9. Had such a lovely day with my 3 month old then after being tucked in bed just as the dinner was ready he projectiled everywhere. Now normally I have enough patience for this but I'm getting married on Saturday and literally feel like my head is about to POP. cue crying.

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    1. I think you need to wait until you've got 2 kids until you get this blog - one baby is a walk in the park!

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    2. Oh sod off. Bet someone with three would say the same to you!

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    3. Hahaha iv one, hes 3 and I swear when hes like a tornado/stampede/angry mob of football supporters at the best of times ...rolled into one haha :/

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  10. Pull over car, get out, enjoy the sunshine for a while. get back in car and try again..

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  11. In the space of 5 mins today my beloved 18 month old daughter grabbed handfuls of cat litter out of the tray & threw it all over the floor, poured water all over my carpet & poured a 4kg bag of cat biscuits all over the floor. It is a testament to my love for her & not my thoroughly depleted stores of patience, that I put her in her cot & walked away & did not throw her out the F*****G window!!!

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  12. I have a 2 year 7 month and a 3 year 11 months and I and getting the no I'm busy line from the big one and screams from little one if they don't like what I'm saying. I am so glad I found you as I thought I was the only one who struggled with the sanity and other 2 little one issues!

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  13. Story of my life! No tips I'm afraid, but thank you for making me feel better about my total lack of patience! I literally lost count of the number of times I said to my 5 year old 'put your pj's on' this evening (maybe it was because I was calling from my 14 month olds room while giving him his bedtime bottle and also trying to get my 4 year old to do something other than steal his baby brothers toys and books!). Arrgggghhh!!

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  14. I'm definitely nodding!!! I have three little shits, sorry boys and they all love pressing my buttons!!!! My threenager is the worse for his tantrums and sarcastic quick witted responses such as "you can't put me in the corner cause there isn't one!!!!" and does this with his on no you didn't hand gestures!!!! Team this with picky eating and all my patience has gone.............

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  15. I'm so glad its not just me who is beginning to hate Disney songs. How old does my daughter need to get to like Radio 2 or Radio 1 even!

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  16. Ha ha love this sounds like an average day for me ( I have 3 boys - 4, 3 and 1) ... patience in short supply here too ... I need a recharge but not sure how to get one?! I keep dreaming of a spa weekend ALONE!! ha! Glad i'm not the only one! Today's highlight was 4yr old pushing past nearly 3yr old to have a poo first, then not doing one, then nearly 3 yr old spending nearly 20 mins doing 'family of poos' all the while trying to stop my 1 yr destroying friends bathroom!!! Deep breaths not a good option in a stinky bathroom!!!
    Bloody loved your crossed out bit howling laughing here! X

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  17. I thought I was patient until I had twins...

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    1. I'm with you on that one..I have a 4 year old at twin girls who are 6 months old now. Before the girls arrived I had all the time in the world for my eldest, but the twins take up so much time and energy I feel like half of my time is spend snapping at the eldest for not doing what I ask and the half of the time I spend listening to two screaming babies.

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  18. I have three boys youngest 21 oldest 26 middle 24 this so reminds me of about 23 years ago when I never ever thought I could get through another day lol but we do !

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  19. Feel the pain. A few weeks we had a car journey (1 hour) where the toddler repeatedly whinged...then cried...then screamed for a biscuit (they were in the boot and he'd opted for a cereal bar instead just before we left). Husband and I made a betting game out of it, guessing how many times he'd ask before giving up - or before we did a suicide drive into the central reservation. He totaled 150. I lost as husband was closest.

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  20. I've just discovered your blog at the (near) end of a really difficult week. As one of the most patient people I have ever come across I've been a tad miffed by my lack of patience recently. My (nearly) 2.5 yr old boy has been driving me up the wall, selective hearing, pushing pulling and hitting me (strangely interspersed with "cuddle Mummy") and then deciding to fight going to/staying in bed until nearly Mummy's bedtime so I get no downtime. Oh, did I mention the constant "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy ...... (yelled) Muuuummmmyyy" even when Daddy is right there doing nothing and I'm up to my eye balls in metaphorical shit. Honestly, this blog has lightened the load and I'll be revisiting regularly now in an effort to maintain my sanity.

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  21. Don't worry. In 20 years time they will leave home and then you will really cry. But don't fret they will then produce grandchildren for you and you will need that patience thing again!!

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  22. I had a 20 minute meltdown with my 4 yr old girl the other day...because we were going to Aldi and not tescos!

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  23. I gave my 6 month old twins the silent treatment earlier because one of them dropped the sippy cup into the baby porridge bowl and it catapulted across the kitchen. It didn't really translate that well and I felt like I was turning into my mother, so I resorted to muttering swear words whilst baby wiping the kitchen....

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  24. This was me a few days ago

    Took the 2.5yr old and 10month old to softplay alone.
    2.5 year old was screaming because he wanted in the ball pool, then becuase he was in the ball pool .. and repeat

    He wanted on the ride on, off the ride on, on the ride on off the ride on

    Then he resorted to his favourite hobby of battering his brother

    We left early, and we watched DVD's for hours

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  25. I think my patience buggered off with my sanity a long time ago - I'm surprised they're not sending me postcards from exotic locations! Can relate to that post so well - I have 5yo and 3yo who test my non-existent patience on a daily basis!!! Deep breath in....and out... 😜x

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  26. I've got 4 kids. They drive me mad! But the more I know the grow up's behaviour the more I feel happy with my kids (at least for a while...) you can always change a bad tempered kid with a biscuit or their favourite dvd, but we grown ups keep envy a resentment in the heart

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  27. Sooooo good to hear not alone! Everyone keeps suggesting you should walk out the room, breath in and out 10 times and then return.....great advice but kids always come with you and continue the whinge! husband's advice is to just tell them to stop - yes darling why did I never think of that (how can I tell you to stop speaking without ending in a fight/divorce). I find reading this blog is what keeps me sane at the moment, honest parenting. So fed up of all those blogs saying how wonderful life is, I made all these amazing crafts with my kids, now I make loads of homemade stuff and never understand why you would buy shop bought biscuits, mayo, sauce etc... well because I don't have bl***y time do I. Have you tried living in a city where the traffic is crazy, the power is on and off, the rains are causing flooding everywhere, taking kids to the supermarket is a mission and oh yes I have to work full time on the other side of town which should take me only 15 mins to get too but most days takes an hour and a half?!!!! Ah, I feel much better now!

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  28. My mum used to tell me that when all 5 of us were doing her head in and driving her to the brink of sanity, she used to take one of our toys into her bedroom and punch it senseless until she felt better. I used to think it was a crazy idea but when nothing is working and I've lost my patience and my cool and am gripping onto sanity with my finger nails, I do it. Feels great.

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  29. Our version of 'I won't, I will' is played at bedtime and it's called 'want a kiss, don't want a kiss'. Quite simply the most tedious waste of time and non existing patience ever. Also, when a boy reaches the age of about 6, they start what I now call the 'boy noises' which are inexplicable, unnecessary vocal bursts that are unmistakably male and they strike at the very core of your being. These, coupled with the constant screaming of my daughter in the car yesterday, caused me to pull over, shut the door on it and pace the layby for a few minutes. Joy!

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    1. Omg my 4yo son does this!! The no kiss thing drives me mental. And now he's taken to running round the house making these noises like he's auditioning for a death metal band! He even sang the heavy metal version of twinkle twinkle little star the other day... Though it was pretty impressive lol. The random raging gorilla noises, not do impressive, just damn annoying :)

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  30. I am nodding.
    I nodded all the way through in fact, just saying :)
    The yoghurt is a great example, I have this daily. I thought my toddler had bi-polar but no apparently its a toddler thing (yawn). I wish you could buy patience by the bucket full, that would be amazing! Instead I'm drinking red bull by the bucket full and hoping for the best. another great post unmumsy mum x

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  31. THIS is my life and these are very much my thoughts, you word them all perfectly... this either means I'm not doing it all wrong or we're both doing it all wrong lol! Thanks for the brilliant honesty!

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  32. I'm nodding. That is all.

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  33. Sitting here taking deep breaths - finally have 2.5 year old and 6 month old in bed for afternoon nap but only after baby screamed ALL morning and just as I got him down to sleep my toddler decided to have a melt down and woke him up again. I ended up just walking downstairs and leaving them both to compete on who could scream the loudest until they finally stopped! This post couldn't have come as a better time as just walked downstairs thinking 'how do all those other mothers have so much patience and me, well, practically none!' Thank you, thank you, thank you once again for you honesty and for making me laugh out loud yet again!

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  34. Total lack of patience with 4 year old boy today. I let him and his little brother (age 2) have a run around on the school field after pick up. Despite polite requests and fish wife style shrieking, 4 yr old ignored me and continued to play a fun game if picking up little brother and dropping him on his head!!! What little patience I had left (very little) then evaporated as I carried wailing 2 year old back to car while shouting at 4 year old. All if this in front of school gate mums!!! :( FFS!!! 4 year old was banished to his bedroom for his own safety until I calmed down/ate all his chocolate out the cupboard!!!

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    1. Love this!! There's something so satisfying about eating chocolate/sweets that belong to your tantruming child!!! That'll teach 'em!!!
      My husband is constantly reminding me that I'm the adult, so don't act like a child, but they drive me to it!!!! Arrrrrrghhhhh

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  35. You sound like a perfect parent to me. Just like me. Oh and my mates. And probably every other normal parent. I worry about those who portray parenthood any other way.

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  36. I've just started rewards charts for my 3 and 7 year olds to get them to comply with some simple tasks. We also did one for me, which includes stickers for 'counting to 10 before you get cross' . My reward is a massage, and so far it's working pretty well. I still lose my rag, but they get a brief delay 😤😃

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  37. You make me feel so normal! You blog is a god send!

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  38. You can't change your kids, they are definitely sent to test us haha but you can absolutely change the music. Only thing that gets me through meal times and car journeys with the kids is kisstory! When they are doing my head in I turn it up loud and sing (other half hates it, so I can only do this when I'm on my own with them, which lets face it is most of the time!) so when 7 month is throwing food on the floor whilst screaming and 3.5 year old is refusing food based solely on its colour i just turn up the radio up. The other day we were all eating lunch whilst nodding our heads to some inappropriate song blaring loudly. I also find muttering swearwords doesn't have the same effect nowadays i have to shout them at the top of my voice. Helps for about 10 seconds, but you do get some judgy looks. I don't care anymore, think once you've had your second kid surviving is way more important than looking like the perfect mum!

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  39. Yesterday we attempted to go to a food festival....why did we do this you ask? Well I suppose we remember enjoying such events when our first was small but now we are also happy owners of a threenager and a five month old. I don't want to downplay the love and the break my heart amazingness they bring to our lives because we are blessed...but good lord...threenager actually whinged ALL AFTERNOON. Her hair clip wasn't in right, she wanted her hair down like mummy's, she wanted to be carried, she wanted the entrance stamp on her hand NOT her wrist (how dare they)...she didn't want it on there at all, yes she did, she wanted food but because we have a threenager we had to hunt around to find a stall that would provide something plain. We settled on a stall that could provide just plain rice. We thought she was hungry and eating would solve the issue. Nope. The whinging continues. Later she wants ice cream, I want ice cream. We decide to cue in the longest line ever for the one ice cream van at the event. When we eventually get to the front they have run out of chocolate. Cue another meltdown. Cue me trying to tell her that we are having a lovely day and getting a lovely ice cream so lets not be silly (why do I bother). Anyway, after ice cream gate we went to the park and came home...I attempted to make home made pizza from scratch because I do try my hardest to be a good mum. Well, I couldn't get the frigging thing off the work surface to put in the over. Cue meltdown from mummy, after too many 5am starts I actually sounded like my toddler. Me and hubby are arguing about a flipping pizza while he tries to help and we both shout at the toddler for being too rough with the baby in the garden (we are in the kitchen). After said incident hubby comments that he doesn't want to be one of those families who just scream at each other...what must the neighbours think. Oh god. What must the neighbours think? Why is nobody else like this? Why do I lose my sh*t every day even though I promise myself I won't? Why can't I be like the super mums who cook home made food from scratch (that their children actually eat), why can't I plan educational and fun activities (that my children actually want to take part in)...?? Why? Thank goodness for honest parenting. **she types whilst the toddler watches pepper pig**

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  40. Wow this is my future with the same age gap. It's already started but can't really blame the baby for crying yet he's only 6 weeks old! If you can't have patience at least you can have gin right?! X

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  41. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! Its great that ive discovered your blog. I have two boys (1st is 2yrs and 2nd 9months) Its great to know that im not alone in the stress of raising little people!! Some days I am sure I should resign in fear that im getting it all so wrong, but reading your posts gives me relief that im NOT alone at all. Keep reassuring! 😉

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  42. Don't laugh at me, I know it sounds crazy but try to meditate. I have been doing it for 20 min in the morning and afternoon and I can feel like my patience has grown exponentially. Give it a shot. Tom Cronins is the program I did. I wanted to pay to know I am gonna do it...and I did. Thumbs up. I feel great. Hope you find the time to try :)

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  43. I have absolutley zero patience. I used to be laid back before i had two kids. Not anymore. Every day i promise myself i will be more patient. It never happens. I swear alot under my breath. Some shocking things sometimes. They drive me to it. Sometimes i can't help myself and i have to shout it out loud. Some days i am so fecking frustrated that i scream into a pillow. What the f*ck happened to me??

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  44. he he I went to asda with my mum and daughters the other day, 3 year old was fine, the 7 year old was driving me bonkers and reducing me to her level. My mum ended up separating us on different side of the trolley and we were both walking with our arms folded sulking! quite shameful really, wouldn't think I was 30 next week ha ha

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  45. From someone who seriously considered getting out of the car and walking away during a motorway traffic jam scream-a-thon I can offer little except a glass of wine passed with empathy.

    Glad to have found you through the MADS! Good luck!

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  46. I pity you having to listen to those godawful songs.

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  47. Yep, totally relate, soft play and Disney esque tunes are a lethal combo, my kids quite like Beyonce though x

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