A commando-crawling baby coupled with a mealtime-refusing threenager is a test of patience for anyone, no? NO? Just nod. I just need to know that you are nodding.
Because this week I've started to wonder whether I ever had any of this magic patience potion to begin with. I never really needed patience before. Not to the same degree. Sure everybody loses patience at times (stuck in traffic/on the phone to HMRC/trying to assemble IKEA toy storage/dealing with knobheads in general) but I never felt overwhelming surges of impatience until I started producing small people. My well documented moments of shit-losing stem from this lack of patience I'm sure of it.
This week's patience-testing moments have included:
- Boy One (3.5) having an 'I will/I won't' tantrum. If you've never played this game with your toddler let me tell you it's a real treat. You ask them to do something (like go for a wee before you leave the house) and they point blank refuse ("I won't"). The consequence of this is a warning, followed by the timeout chair, where they scream "I WILL I WILL I WILL" until you remove them from said chair and steer them towards the toilet. Where they forget the preceding ten minutes and shout "I WON'T" again, as another piece of your soul is destroyed.
|"Say 'I WON'T' again she's almost broken!"|
- Boy Two (8 months) crying because he wanted a yoghurt then crying some more because he didn't want a yoghurt. Basically it was the yoghurt's fault. Bastard inconsiderate yoghurt.
- As above but substitute 'yoghurt' for 'Heinz biscotti.'
- Boy One walking deliberately sloooowwlyyy back from the park. Not because his little legs were tired but because I'd made the mistake of telling him we needed to get back to feed his brother. Cue a pointless "let's have a race!" attempt from me (he's not daft) followed by the obligatory "I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN" (as I told him again).
- Teething (enough said)
- Both boys whinging for forty minutes in the car, at a volume just above the shit Disney song (on repeat). Any patient mum would recognise her children were just over tired, and sing along to distract them. She would certainly not resort to under-breath swearing. I tried to be patient by winding down the window to
drown out the fucking noisetake some deep breaths but it was fruitless. I snapped because there are only so many times you can hear Hawaiian Rollercoaster Ride* from Lilo & Stitch without clawing your eyes out. To add insult to injury we were on the way back from sodding SOFT PLAY.
Tips on not losing patience received with thanks.
The Unmumsy Mum
[*It is a classic though. "There’s no place I’d rather be (than on my surfboard out at sea)..."]