Thursday 22 October 2015

Sometimes That'll Do is All You've Got

I never had much of a need for that'll do before I became a parent.

There was no 'that'll do' during my schooldays when I was the geekiest child (I was a straight A student, I did extra homework for fun and aside from the beautifully brainy boy in my maths class I never so much as looked at the opposite sex until I was fifteen and had started dabbling in hair mascara and Smirnoff Ices and tops from Tammy girl).
 
(No prizes for guessing which one's me. I know).
There was no 'that'll do' at University either when I was hell-bent on getting a First class honours degree and would crawl into 9am lectures with the mother of all hangovers because the thought of borrowing somebody else's notes just wouldn't do.
 
There certainly wasn't room for 'that'll do' when, as a graduate, I joined the Fast Track scheme of a bank and spent my days seeking to prove to myself (and everybody else) that I deserved to be 'fast tracked'.

I gave it my all. All of it. I gave it all my all.
 
Motherhood, I anticipated, would be no different. I would invest the same level of time, energy and get-up-and-go that I'd successfully displayed in the preceding twenty-five years. I'd no doubt feel an element of healthy competition when surrounded by other mothers and my desire to do my best, to be the best would see me through. I would totally boss it.
 
And I have totally bossed it and been a fucking legend of motherhood ever since.
The end.
 
Just kidding. You see, I have done a bit of a U Turn on my aversion to that'll do since becoming a mum. A gradual one, it has to be said. I wanted so badly to be the best, to get glowing reviews, to get Straight A grades in Baking, Housewifery and Motherly Amazingness but it turns out it wasn't as simple as that. Or as easy.

It was much harder.

I just couldn't maintain the same get-up-and-go. My get-up-and-go got up and went and now when it periodically returns I appreciate it, I think YES this is a good day and I am doing a good job.

On the other days I am plodding. I have never been a plodder but I'm starting to think that there is something to be said for plodding. That'll do has become part of my life. Not because I'm lazy, or because I'm happy to settle for a compromise but because sometimes it's all I can manage.

When the house is an absolute shit tip and I do the one-minute Express Baby Wipe of all surfaces and run the hoover around just the visible bits of the floor I know it's not ideal but it's enough. That'll do.

When we're all tired and the baby is screaming and the three-year-old is hungry and I've got a cough and I resort to cereal for tea (then compensate by giving them fruit for pudding which they don't eat but it makes me feel better) I know it's not ideal but it's enough. That'll do.

When I wake up with grand plans to take them to the beach and run around with our arms outstretched like aeroplane wings but then for one reason or another we end up at the park AGAIN before coming home to watch Paw Patrol AGAIN I know it's not ideal but it's enough. That'll do.

It's an interesting feeling. To settle for less, to settle for not being the best, to type message after message of responses back to mums who tell me they are 'terrible parents.' They are not terrible parents, I tell them. They are doing their best. Sometimes your best is not ideal but it's enough.

That'll do.

All hail the plodding.

The Unmumsy Mum

41 comments:

  1. I have only been a mum for 8 months and I think I have gone from 'I will be on the cover of Good housekeeping' to 'that'll do' to 'sod that'.

    Ah well. We all love our children with every little bit of ourselves. I think that's one area that we can agree that 'that'll do' doesn't cut it! Keep it up Unmunsy Mum, your posts reassure, entertain and maintain sanity amobgst us all!

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  2. Unmumsy Mum you are truly my Parenting Spirit Animal. I actually feel like crying a little bit right now because I spent the whole day just being screamed at by a 10 month old and shit I just remembered I forgot to take his "month" birthday photo today (eff you Pinterest peer pressure) and man, did I just want to run away. Thanks for always writing so honestly because today was just one of those days where even mustering "That'll do" was a struggle.

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    1. Completely get you! Happy 10 months to your little one. It's our 10 months tomorrow and I'd been doing weekly pictures until August! Never mind!

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  3. I actually say that'll do out loud when doing most things. My make up my hair. The kids hair. Hoovering is a great one I get half way up the stairs and think oh that'll do! Glad I'm not the only one. Love your stories! X

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  4. My 'that'll do is...... Ugh close enough lol

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  5. I told my husband I would learn to cook and make dinner every night on mat leave as I would have sooo much free time. I managed it twice.
    And let's thank the Lord for Paw Patrol. Even Little Hootie on repeat. 15 minutes of peace and calm.. I'll take it!!

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  6. Shit, I am still in this mode and my sons are 19 and 15

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  7. That'll do indeed, I'm so like that and didn't used to be either. The only thing is my youngest is now two and a half and my eldest is four and a half , should my 'get up and go' not have come back by now? Or was I just kidding myself I would have more energy when the baby days were over. Spot on post thank-you xx

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  8. Sounds like my week! Toddler had porridge for dinner on Monday followed by a few blueberries and a bit of pear. I said to myself - that'll do! It's not like I bought her a McDonalds! Since our second baby arrived 3.5 months ago, I have said "it'll do" many times. Be it frantically stabbing microwave meals whilst holding a screaming newborn or just watching non-stop Peppa on youtube just to have time to hang up the washing or clean the kitchen counters, we just do our best at the time. It won't always be like this will it???

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  9. My "that'll do" is "(small sad sigh)... well, it's better than it was"...I was a perfectionist before I was a mother, it didn't last long!

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  10. Good enough is good enough, as my pnd counsellor told me...

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    1. And as a therapist and new mum to a 3 month old I couldn't agree more, not only is good enough good enough, it is the best - much better than trying to be perfect because it's impossible. And anyway kids don't respond to perfection - nor learn anything from it! Just love them (and feed them occasionally, that helps)

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  11. Such a poignant post for me - I'm 7 months in to motherhood and just starting to struggle with the idea that I can't get it right all the time, mainly because I don't even know what getting it right looks like. We've just started weaning and every day my lovely daughter has a different opinion - one day spoons are going to kill her, the next she can't get enough. We spent the first six months being able to work out with reasonable accuracy whether she was hungry, tired or dirty when she was unhappy and were very baby-led in our day-to-day patterns. That has all gone out the window and no matter how much I try to start a routine, no one day goes like the one before. My word it is difficult. But it makes me feel so much better to know so many others are feeling the same! It's not an answer to 'how should I be doing this?' but it will most certainly do. Thank you

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    1. I found weaning the singular most stressful point so far. I have never had such doubt.eventually I thought to hell with it let's just roll with it.
      18 montha now and loves his grub and on the days he doesn't he just gets bread rolls and jam.
      Keep going.trust me ur doing fine.they love throwing spoons at u at this stage. I know this for a fact bcos in a face book memory today I was commenting about him firing spoons at me.

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    2. I won't admit this to just anyone, but I crumble at the first signs of uncertainty and feeling out of my depth. I thought I was coping fairly well and had my day, and my baby's day, sussed at about five months... Then weaning started. Ermahgerd - how hard is that shit? My baby (now just turned one) has a fairly good appetite, but the uncertainty around when they should feed, how much they should feed, how regularly - gah! But I really did learn that no-one else knows what to do either - just trust yourself, and your baby, and it actually does work itself out. Bloody hard getting there though, and infinitely harder if you're working with a baby who just. won't. eat...
      Good luck, and to quote my favourite greeting card 'you're doing a fucking great job' (excuse the profanity - hope it doesn't offend!) x

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    3. Don't worry about a lack of routine with eating, I've never bothered with one. I've tried a couple of times (usually in response to people telling me that I should be doing it!) and it always just stressed me out. My son is just over 10 months now and eats anything put in front of him but I swear he eats at a different time each day and sometimes has fruit and those baby crisp things for dinner when I've been disorganised. He weighs a tonne though so I figure he's fine!! Good luck. xx

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    4. I remember the stress with my daughter. Some days it was one spoon of food othere days the whole bowl. What helped me was my health visitor reminding me that food for under 1s is an exercise in play and learning. They still get most of their nutrition from theit milk. Try not to stress and think of it as messy play if it helps.

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    5. Food under one is just for fun!! Don't worry, you're doing brilliantly! Our Daught is almost 3 and sometimes has days where she says almost nothing, and other days when she will wolf down anything that is put in front of her, including stuff she finds under the sofa....just relax, they'll eat when they're hungry and remember that their tummies are tiny so it may not seem like they have eaten much but its probably enough for them :-)

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  12. I have had a fair few days of That'll do since becoming a parent. I think you've summer it up nicely. Sometimes there is only that'll do - and that will just have to do x

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  13. I too was a perfectionist striver until I had my little boy. Well actually I continued attempting to be one in my new role as a mother for some time until I realised that unless I let it go and stopped obsessing over what I could be doing better I was going to spend the rest of my life and my son's whole childhood stressed and miserable. It wasn't easy to get to that point but it has been one of the most valuable lessons I've learned and I'm not sorry that I've become a plodder. Once a while it even means I find time to live in the moment and enjoy it.

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  14. So so true. My little one is 3 months and every night I think, right, tomorrow we'll do better, get out, clean, tidy and eat healthily. In reality its never like that!! But my other half tells me hey, just chill out and enjoy the time you have off, it won't last forever and soon she won't be a baby any more. So true, I constantly worry about work, what I'm going to do next, tidying the house, loosing weight, and for what? A happy baby and just 'doing' is much more important. She doesn't care about the state of the house as long as she's feed and loved that's all that matters. And I can manage that.....just!!!

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  15. These comments make me feel so sad. I remember these feelings as if they were yday. The uncertainty, the lack of self-belief, the pressure society and media place on us. Take a deep breath ladies. Place a hand on your tummy. You created life. You care for it as best as you can every day. Your children love you. They dont care the house is a mess. They want you. And you will always be enough. But please give yourselves permission to be enough. Be kind to yourselves. With love xx

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    1. lovely louise and so true! a lot more parents should be doing exactly what you've posted xxx

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    2. Well this just started me bawling at my desk, now my colleague thinks i'm a nutter. :) So true though, just hard to remember sometimes.

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  16. Never have I needed to hear this so much.have an unruly toddler refusing to sleep at minute. It's been a week of that'll do.I hoovered around his toys on Sunday and I've just removed the last remaining meal from freezer tonight. Our boot is jam packed and my husband needs car and empty boot at 6.30 in morning.
    It's not even that'll do at this stage.it's who bloody cares..
    Roll on sat when I'm not even planning on getting dressed. Thank you unmumsy mum. As always you've tapped in to the mood perfectly.
    PS I too was a straight A student got my degree and masters whilst working.good job I did masters pre terror toddler bcos it would never happen now.
    I'm actually v at peace with who bloody cares mostly. Apart from waking at night to apparently chat to us I've a gorgeous funny little guy in my life who makes me laugh all the time.

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  17. Love this post - so so true. I always imagined myself being a super yummy mummy and baking cupcakes and dressing my son and I in co-ordinating outfits. As it turns out that isn't possible and sometimes wearing your pyjamas all day and letting your 6 month old baby play with your iPhone is the only way forward! Thanks for writing this post, makes me feel a little bit better about my mummy efforts! Xxx

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  18. Parenting ''Abandon all control all who enter here''... definitely! I have found, during my nine years of continuous parenting first one, then two and now three little boys, that just as in all other areas of life, we all have things we do well, and others we do ''not as well'' (or are unremittingly terrible at). For example, I love to bake. Little Miss Perfection... if you go by my banana bread... so lovely... I am a hideously impatient homework-doer. I am truly ashamed at how mean I can be due to impatience. How vile am I? It's swings and roundabouts and we work on the not-great stuff, slowly and gradually, and we get there in the end. If not, the kid does his homework without my getting involved but gets a lovely slice of banana bread after...

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  19. If your children smile, then you're doing well enough.

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  20. I needed to read this today for my own sanity so a BIG Thankyou I've been doing a lot of plodding just lately and have totally been beating myself up about it but I just need to let go and accept that it's ok, it's ok to be exhausted and put on another disney DVD, it's ok to cook pasta again cause I'm exhausted and just want to get to bedtime asap it's ok that my biggest achievement for the day is managing to get a shower and keep the little people alive :-) so from one very exhausted self doubting mummy of three kiddies 4 and under with my eldest being disabled THANKYOU for being my voice of reason :-) ps can't wait to read the book xx

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  21. It's not possible to do everything, so choose what's important. Time with your children. When my first was little I didn't have a washing machine, a dishwasher, a microwave. How did I do it? I have no idea! There was always dishes and washing and cold tea. Now with my grandson it's the same, I have all those things but I'm still surrounded by dishes and mess and cold tea. Nothing changes xx

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  22. I didn't realise how much I needed someone to say all that until I read it and started to weep! Lol. And I read in the comments that someone else cried so that's 2 lots of "not just me" today.

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  23. Having it all and doing it all are two separate things. There has and always will be chores and errands and pressure to be perfect. But your children will grow up and fly the nest so I try and choose to enjoy my baby instead of stressing over the other stuff. Don't try so hard, that'll do translates to that's enough in a child's view :)

    http://mebeingmummy.blogspot.co.uk/

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  24. As a mum of 4 under 7 I'm a 'well it's better than it was' mummy! we're all doing grand! Easy does it.

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  25. Oh yes there has been a lot of that'll do in my life lately, standards definitely slip don't they when you just don't have the time - or energy! x Julia @ Rainbeaubelle

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  26. Another great post. It is so true. I thought I'd boss it too, then reality struck! I have also got used to a shit tip house. Sometimes I even class playing in the garden as activity when I can't muster up the energy for the park! Lucy@bottlefor2

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  27. Another excellent post, Unmumsy Mum, very true.
    It occured to me that most, if not all of the time, it is just *me* putting huge pressure on myself to be this fun, playful mum, mega-organised, cooking varied meals, excelling at work. The reality instead is often CBeebies, always in a rush (and usually late), pasta/ toast again, and at work, well I really do try.

    I was trying so hard until recently I came to a breaking point (nervous breakdown point). I realised life's really too short - things do not need to be perfect (still dealing with this one). I let it go, and simply try to enjoy my son, husband and life for who and what they are. Guess it's all about changing high expectations to reasonable. Wet-wipe cleaning, pasta, CBBs, what's unreasonable about that?

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  28. Unfortunately my husband does not subscribe to this...and asks me from time to time on arriving home 'what time did you wake up' or 'what did you do this morning' on seeing that the dishes are still unwashed etc. SAHM is a weird kind of job...and breastfeeding a 7 month old still seems to sap the energy out of me. I wish he understood that nap time for baby doesn't necessarily mean house work time for mommy! I more often plop myself onto the couch...

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  29. I know what you mean, although in a lot of ways I think it's a valuable lesson for our kids to learn that sometimes it's okay to settle for 'good enough' and not strive for the impossibility of perfection in everything we do. That's my excuse, anyway, and I'm sticking with it ...

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    1. Do you know I've nearly really thought of it like that but you are quite right! Thanks Tim, I shall remember that next time I'm having a Not-Good-But-Good-Enough day :-) x

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