Thursday, 12 March 2015

Lesson 53: It's Okay To Lose Your Shit

It is well documented that I lose my shit on a regular basis. So much so, I now get daily messages from fellow shit-losers. Thank you, by the way, your solidarity is much appreciated - particularly when I find myself once again locked in the downstairs toilet 'having a word' with myself. Talking myself down from collapsing in the living room and banging my head on the floor repeatedly (this often seems tempting).

Oh how we chuckle about the shit that got real (and then got lost) during the day. The on-the-floor toddler tantrums, the fourth sleepsuit change due to the latest baby faeces tornado, the plate of sandwiches on the floor, the general narkiness and testing rainy day dramas. It is all rather amusing. 

Except when it's not.

Sometimes, it's not funny at all. 

Some days, I don't feel the urge to poke my own eyes out, or shout, or drink some wine.

I don't feel the urge to do any of those things because some days I actually feel quite desperate

There are days I truly don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do.

I have two children who push me to my absolute limit. And I don't always cope all that well. I joke all the time that I'm 'not cut out' for motherhood. Well there are days when I seriously worry that this is true.


I have plodded through life being relatively good at stuff. I was good at school (organised team sports excluded). I got the much coveted First Class Honours degree at Uni. I went into a job I loved and did well at it. 

Then I had kids. And MAN ALIVE I'm not sailing through this one. I'm definitely not top of the class.

Sometimes, when I'm losing my temper in the car, or lying to the toddler that it's raining because I can't face another trip to the sodding park, or wishing the hours until bedtime would just DIE...I panic that there's something wrong with me. 

Why don't I enjoy being at home? Why do I find it so bloody hard? 

And then I start wondering...do other mums feel like this? Do other mums struggle? Do other mums find the simultaneous baby and toddler crying so draining that they get in the shower and join in with the crying. So that everyone is crying in the bathroom at the same time. Fuck knows what my neighbours must think. 

In those moments of doubt, a dark cloud descends, pushes down on my shoulders and I panic. 

I'm so crap at being a parent. I can't do it. 

And then, I snap myself out of it. Because that moment in the shower, and the white lies about the weather, and the wanting to kill someone in the car....well, those things are not the measure of a mum. 

On those dark days, I measure myself against mums in parenting magazines. Mums on twitter who #lovelife. I will always fail against those mums. Big time.

And then I think, what a bloody stupid measurement. 

The only measure I need is my children. How are they doing? 

On Monday night, Boy Two fell asleep mid-feed and I sat with him for ten minutes in the dark, stroking his little ears. And he smiled. It was probably wind because ten minutes later he puked in my bra. But hey, he smiled. And then I popped in to say goodnight to his brother and instead of tucking him in, I got under the covers and read him two stories. And marvelled at how much he understood. How he is a proper little boy now. At how smart and funny and happy he is. 

So if a measure of a mum is how well her kids are doing, how happy they are, how loved they feel; well then I'm doing just fine. 

Maybe it's okay to have days when you're not fine at all. When you're not coping. When you want to divorce your children because they have self-activated arsehole mode again. 

Wobbly days. 

Granted some of my wobbles are a darn sight wobblier than I'd like, and if I could eliminate all wobbliness (my thighs included) I would. 

But parenting wobbles don't make you a bad parent. They make you a real person. Wobble away my loves. You are all doing just fine. 

The Unmumsy Mum






146 comments:

  1. So much love for this post! I too have wobbly days, I too don't think I'm cut out for it all and I 100% can relate. I think we're all just winging it, some are better at pretending they are better at it then others, but really we are all treading water x

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    1. im not winging it right now deffo having a wobble day 2 kids dentists and both had a little filing in there back teeth, dentist said to me make sure they brush there teeth (thanks for that i always brush there teeth) FAIL

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  2. so refreshing to read all your posts and particularly this one. i dread those dark scary moments when i think "i can't do this". when i shout or loae my temper i convince myself i am the only mum doing this..its so nice to no i am not alone. thanks for you r blog....it really makes things better

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  3. anyone who says they don't have wobbly days is either mad or lying! xx

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  4. Baby is 6 days old, my boobs are failing, felt like I was failing. I needed to read that, one looks at her, she is perfect!

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  6. My babies were close in age and just the tiredness made me struggle. I found that a sandpit and slide in my tiny garden meant we could miss the park when I was tired. Also simple things like painting with brushes and water filled buckets on the patio made an activity for ages. Or filling a mini wheel barrow with magic potions of grass and water. Get some lovely mum friends. Genuine ones, not ones who have a need to keep up with the Jones' and make you feel rubbish. Before long you will have a better time. It goes so quickly and you will miss it once they are at school.

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  7. I have many a days like this and it makes me so relieved that i am not the only one!! Your blog is honestly making my days easier to cope with knowing i am not alone in what i do or how the kids act!!

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  8. I love your posts and i can honestly say they make me feel so much better..i hate having those bad days and feel so guilty like I'm damaging my kids by not being a happy, artsy, baking supermummy..then i see I'm not alone and it gives me confidence to say fcuk it, tomorrow will be a better day (probably!) Lol

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  9. I'm SO happy I'm not the only one who feels this way! I love your blog. When I've had a shit day - which is like almost every day - I read your blog and I giggle (and nearly pee in my pants) and then I feel better and everything is fine again. Thank you!

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  10. Oh my darling u pretty much nailed it!!! Thank u so much, this post made me feel better. I too constantly feel like a failure of a mother. But I agree, perhaps we need to stop beating ourselves down. We're doing great! Laughing my ass out at the "self activated arsehole mode" part!

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  11. Oh God, this post is brilliant and is me to a T. So glad it isn't just me that loses it on a resgular basis. I too, look at my kids and realise, no matter how craps I think I am doing, they still think I'm brilliant and they are both extremely happy (most of the time!). Thanks for your posts, they help me so much xxx

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  12. This could have been written about me! I don't feel like a natural mother and constantly worry that I'm somehow fucking my children up. But they're healthy and happy so it can't be that bad really!

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  13. You are a rockstar - all that could be me. I have twin 15 month old boys and am so tired of people staring at me funny when I say that I don't love it ALL the time! Its SO hard. And sometimes so easy. But you hit the nail on the head when you said that the measurement of being a good mum can be seen in your kids' happiness. And my boys are happy. So thanks - I will remind myself of that the next time I want to move to Australia on my own!

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  14. Totally feel like this. A lot. But you are right, look at your kids. They are happy and healthy so we must be doing something right

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  15. I can't tell you the amount of times I have sat and cried, alone and in front of my two boys - 9 and 6 - due to this very thing, that I can't handle their whining, arguing, complaining, screaming, fighting - usually all at the same time. The fact the elder one has aspergers autism makes it harder, because he doesn't get why he shouldn't argue with every single thing that comes out of my mouth, and why he should accept any of the food I put in front of him if it isn't EXACTLY as he wants it. And even last year he said, I'm allowed to scream because I have autism - I had to tell him that he can't. But then the other night, when talking to him about the books we are reading (Harry Potter), he told me that he loved reading and it was all because of me, because I read to him all the time since he was born. And I smiled, and realised I was doing a good job. The thing I have learnt the most is to let go - not just of the expectations of society, but the expectations I put on myself about what a mother 'should' be, and how my children 'should' be. I have been into personal therapy (6 years of it, finished last year) and I do have an organisation involved with us helping us how to parent effectively - for the last year. It has helped me to see I am a loving and effective mum, and it is okay to find it hard. I resist the urge to walk - sometimes daily. Personally I am still not sure it is 'worth it' - the lovely go to everyone uses when you say it is hard. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone.

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  16. Ohhh I love this lady!!!!! Lol you nail it every time!!! You put me at peace that my method of parenting is okay lol thank you 😊 xxx

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  17. This one just made me cry!! Probably because it's only 9am and I've already shouted because my 4 year old kicked me due to the daily teeth cleaning battle!! I told him I don't care if his teeth fall out, which I actually do care as I don't want to be o the next series of 'Junk Food Kids'!!

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  18. Thank you, thank you, thank you for telling it like it REALLY is. When my children were young, at times ( ok.. most days) it seemed like life was one long battle. Getting them up was battle. Getting them to get dressed .. a battle ... getting them to school, to eat, to sleep, one long battle. Many a time I would shut myself in the bathroom and just sob .. then compose myself and go out to resume the battle. Because two of my 3 children are on the Autistic spectrum .. I used to think it was just me who had these battles and I frequently felt like a failure. But over the years I came to realise that EVERY mum faces a battle of SOME kind. We are all just bumbling along doing the best we can in the best way we know how.

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  19. Thank you and congratulations on your honesty and perseverance, it is heartening to read something which echoes moments we have all had but feel we cannot admit to without being judged. There needs to be far more honesty about what hard work it is (and fewer perfect-life instagrams which seep into your consciousness even if you don't have an instagram account, via magazines & FB etc) to raise children. Yes we all made a life choice to have children, but nobody ever loves their job every single day of their life, they just don't admit it. When your job is 24-7 and the issues you are dealing with change on a minute by minute basis the stress levels are immense, it's just that Motherhood isn't viewed as a job. I hope you get a good combination of love, cuddles, flowers and time out this Sunday! Best wishes and thanks.

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  20. Thank you, for telling it like it really can be (and I agree with lots of the comments above). Your blog made me giggle, and cry. I have cried in front of my kids, in sheer desperation at their 'self activated arsehole-ness'. And then blamed myself for it being my fault. My daughter is currently being assessed for aspergers. I have been bitten, hit and kicked by her since she was little. It's not easy. I love my children to the ends of the earth and back but oh my gosh no-one and nothing could have prepared me for the ever-changing challenges. Like you, I have a degree and a (part-time) job, and yet feel totally inadequate for the most important job in my life. But, my children are happy and I tuck them into bed each night and tell them how much I love them, and that even if mummy gets cross, that never ever changes. And then I promise myself to try not to lose my shit.

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  21. I looked after a friends baby today. She screamed and howled as I walked her up and down in her stroller. Nothing I did calmed her down and she seemed really distressed and I felt the rising panic of parental incompetence overtaking me. After what seemed like an eternity she calmed down. This whole episode lasted ten minutes. So; respect to you.

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  22. I cannot tell you how much I love this post!

    We all feel like this at times, and those #lovelife Twitter mums are LYING!!! Parenting is hard, it pushes you to your absolute limit then about 10 miles past that, but you're totally right; as long as your babies are happy then that's what to measure by!

    You're doing a great job, and you know us blogging mums are always on Twitter should you need a vent or virtual wine!

    Nicola x
    www.lovelittlepoppins.co.uk

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  23. Brave and honest post, thank you! I completely agree with everything you've said, especially after a day when I've properly shouted at my four-week-old for not sleeping because I'm so damn tired. I often wonder if I'm not cut out for this but get on with it anyway, and then a lovely moment comes along when my toddler throws her arms around me. Sigh. Thank you again.
    Sheena x
    Www.listfivethings.blogspot.co.uk

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  24. Wow I love your blog. So honest and exactly how a lot of mums feel but have to pretend to outsiders that everything is perfect while holding back tears of failure... I'm so glad I've stumbled upon you. It gives me hope that I'm not the only one thinking I'm not cut out to be a mummy but after reading this post I looked at my twins of terror (girls aged 5) and think l have actually achieved something great. They are gorgeous healthy well mannered, so polite to everyone who isn't me and generally well behaved. Thank you for your posts! wishing you a relaxing mothers day tomorrow xx

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  25. As a bloke I feel for you, but as we all do, man or woman: keep on buggering on! FWIW, I think that the wonders of nature soak so many women in baby hormones that they are oblivious to all else but their baby, and to the detriment of many other things in their lives. The fact that many struggle simply says to me that they have a strong healthy sense of self, as well as normal maternal instincts. Surely those 2 qualities will always be in conflict? I know I prefer these types of women. The tunnel-visioned ones I find slightly unnerving!!

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    1. Yes Nick! God I find the tunnel-vision the scariest thing to witness. Thanks for reading

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  26. As a bloke I feel for you, but as we all do, man or woman: keep on buggering on! FWIW, I think that the wonders of nature soak so many women in baby hormones that they are oblivious to all else but their baby, and to the detriment of many other things in their lives. The fact that many struggle simply says to me that they have a strong healthy sense of self, as well as normal maternal instincts. Surely those 2 qualities will always be in conflict? I know I prefer these types of women. The tunnel-visioned ones I find slightly unnerving!!

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  27. Thank you for your honesty - such comfort in knowing that we are all having similar feelings!!

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  28. Thank you so much for this funny, honest post. I'm so relieved to have found the blog of someone as unmumsy as me. Thank you!

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  29. This is such an honest post and pretty brave too. I know I find it hard to admit that parenting doesn't always come naturally to me. I feel like I should be crafting and cooking a lot more than I do. Some days feel like a battle and there have been many occasions where I've lost my shit big time. So you're definitely not alone. But as you rightly say, the measure of a mum is in the happiness of her kids and that thought alone really reassures me.

    We're not all Pinterest mums but that doesn't mean we're any less worthy. Thanks for such a truthful but lovely unmumsy post :) x

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  30. Love this! A friend invited me to like your page and after the day I've had im glad she did! I'm also a mum of 2 boys. One 16 months and one 9 weeks...Pass the wine!

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  31. Man I wish I'd found your blog before all those perfect mum blogs that made me feel like even more crap than normal. Everything you have written rings a bell and I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks, I'm no good at this mum job. Thanks for being so honest, and funny you've actually made me laugh out loud one more than one post.

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  32. I'm so glad I found your blog... Thank you for making me feel normal! Rather than the judgy mums at school

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  33. Thank you! I am a mum of 2 boys and often feel like I am struggling to keep my head above the water. Nice to hear I am not alone.

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  34. I have just discovered your blog and love it. Yesterday I crouched down and hid behind a kitchen cabinet, closed my eyes and rested my head on the door, trying to block out the crying of my 1 year old and the incessant whinging of the 3 year old, trying to stop myself from screaming at them again. Then it passed and we had a lovely day. The range of emotions I experience on a daily basis still shocks - and sometimes amuses - me. Motherhood is bonkers.

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  35. This is great! I feel exactly like a crap mum some days as I just want my 14 month old twins to shut the fuck up and let me prepare their lunch etc then I feel just as bad for thinking that! This blog is fantastic, it make you realise your not the only one having a meltdown about stuff that really doesn't matter! Thank you :)) x

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  36. Losing your shit is a fact of parenthood...My girls are 10 & nearly 12 and know full well Mummy can't be upbeat all day everyday. I'm highly suspicious of any mum that is ;-)

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  37. This blog is amazing. I thought I should not have a second child because of these very days! Reading this has made me realise that actually I can, because I am not at all the only one who has ever felt this way... I really thought I was! Will be reading regularly from now on. Well done :)

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  38. Thank you SO much for being so honest. It makes so much difference to mums, like me, who feel just like this as it makes you realise it isn't just you! I also have done pretty well at most things until I had kids (age 4 and 7 mths) and I feel like I completely fail at motherhood! Yet, when I look at my girls I know this isn't really true. I just find it really hard, a lot of the time! And I constantly compare myself to everyone else who seem to find it such a breeze. I just wish more people were as honest as you. Thank you, thank you. Right, off to return my DD1 to bed for the 5th time... argh... xx

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  39. I have a 15 year old and still have wobbly days where I feel like a crap mum. Kids dont come with a manual and it gets easier when they start school but then gets hard again when they hit puberty! We can only do our best and I love my son with all my heart but by Christ there are times when he drives me to distraction! It is very refreshing to read your real and very honest blog and it makes us ordinary mums (and dads) feel grateful in the knowledge that there is no perfect parent, we all just do what we feel is best. Thank you xx

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  40. This couldn't have come at a better time... just broke my voice screaming due to my 3 rug rats this afternoon.... can barely talk now - but maybe that's a good thing...

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  41. Youve know idea how much i needed to read that! I had my first proper "wobbly" day yesterday. I felt i was the worst mum in the world, the ONLY one going through it & really wanted to just give up! Today however, brand new day, brand new tactics & a very apt blog from yourself! Thanku, its sooo good to know im not alone! Xxx

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  42. Thank you for confirming I'm not the only mum that struggles. I sometimes feel I can't do "being a mum" and that I'm no good, particularly when I've had to work late and missed putting my little boy to bed! It's hard to juggle life, kids and work so thanks for helping me realise it's ok to have wobbles. It's how we manage those wobbles that count and that we should remember as long as we and our children are happy, it's ok. Thank you xx

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  43. You have made me cry and laugh out loud simultaneously. I thought it was just me who felt they were not cut out to be a mum. Thank u for sharing x

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  44. Never, never, never believe anyone who says they love every minute of it. They're all lying.

    And we all lose it to some extent or another, but if your children go to bed knowing that they are loved and safe and cherished, then you're getting the really important bit right.

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  45. Thankyou for saving me from another teary breakdown! As a mum of 8 month old twin girls who are teething it good to know I'm " normal" !

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  46. Thankyou for saving me from another teary breakdown . As a mum of teething 8 month old twin girls it really good to know I'm " normal"!

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  47. Wow this is my life down to a tee!! Thanks for the honesty it makes.me realise that actually we all struggle sometimes

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  48. This has made me cry.. when you are in that moment (which I have found myself a lot lately!) You honestly feel like the only person in the world that is dealing with it. Thank yiu xx

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  49. I love these posts, unfortunately only just seen them. I have 2 boys, one teenager and one 9 year old, I love them dearly but OMG there are days that you feel that everything you do is wrong. All I can say is that anyone else that has them round to play or looks after them is full of praise for their manners. This is when you have to sit back, pour a glass of wine and say, I'm doing something right, the nagging is paying off even if that is not demonstrated at home. Hang in there, you're doing great. Much love x x

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  50. Hello - I just read this and sobbed my heart out. It might be the gastrointiritus my little girl gave me or it might be the fact that 5 months ago we adopted a beautiful clever headstrong hard work toddler. She is wonderful but I am not doing very well. I often wonder if she would have been better matched with other parents. We love her. No end. She loves us and our family. I just don't want to f*^k her life up because I'm not a maternal mum. I'm not so good at the stuff other mums seem to be good at and I have lost friends in 5 months because I can't cope with my own life change let alone someone else's. It's hard.

    But reading this makes me feel less alone. And reading all the comments too. My family all have said they think we are doing well. Mainly because she's super cool. She certainly has a lot of fun with us and we are doing our best to be the family she deserves. She's so clever and so sweet. But on those days when I can't believe how badly im doing i feel sad helpless and alone. But I'm not am I?

    Thank you. A thousand thank you's.

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    1. You aren't alone Adoptatron. Having a toddler is hard and I can only imagine how hard it is without the run in of raising them from newborn. You say she has fun with you - all good things will grow from that. Focus on the fun. I'm sure you're already the family she needs and loves. Don't forget to make time for yourself though - it makes the world of difference I find, and I say that in the knowledge that I have soft play hell ahead of me today! I was at work yesterday, just being me, so feel able to face soft play today (as long as I've had a coffee first!). All the very best x

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    2. I am Adoptatrons mum, it made me cry too !!! I remember so well the same feelings and the same dark days from my time with two very young close in age kids thirty five years ago, and here we are with my beloved Daughter in the same place, she is doing just great and the little lady is happy strong and brave, she is having lots of fun and loving her wonderful but tired parents, it's all normal everything I have seen here is how it really is !!! But now I am an old lady I know that it's the good stuff that stays with you the lovely milky smell the soft fresh washed hair and sleepy cuddles, the lovely sunny days with a picnic are my best memories, the dark days when I cried and could not be bothered to get dressed and I yelled and cried some more are gone from my mind, you are all doing just great, you will one day have a clean house and nice non sicked on tops to wear, but my special days now are when any of the four grandkids come and mess it all up and dig a big hole in the garden then bring the bucket of mud indoors, hold on to the fun and love and pride, and understand the dark days don't really matter in the end, you look at the child if they are happy and making lots of noise and mess you are doing your job !!! Well done to you all

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  51. I have just discovered your blog, it's bloody brilliant! If I could find time to scratch my arse, I might write exactly the same stuff!!! It's great to know I'm not the only one that despairs sometimes with her kids and own ability, but God, I love the little shits!!!!

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  52. Thank fuck for you. Reading that piece is the first time I haven't felt like a completely shit parent. My boy is happy and funny too. I on the other hand have started smoking. Secretly. In the garden. I hate the park.

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    1. I smoke in secret in the garden too! Had quit until my daughter was over a year old. So glad I am not the only one! This blog is fantastic - makes me feel normal. Full time stressful job, single parent... It's all feels a bit too much sometimes!

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    2. This Original post is fab but your reply is too! So dry and funny. You should start blogging too.

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    3. Top answerπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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  53. I do sometimes wonder how on earth I've managed to keep my daughter alive for the past 3 years. Some days are just shit, some days i feel like I'm struggling and other days i feel a sense of achievement. I'm due to have my second child any day now and i can feel the panic bubbling up, how on earth am i going to cope with 2? The answer is simple just do the best you can and failing that there's always someone you can off load them onto for 10 mins!!

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  54. This is exactly how I feel most of the time. I thought it was just me. And then I read this and now I feel just a little bit better. Thanks

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  55. Excellent timing that this just popped up in front of me as currently having one of those weeks. As a mum of identical 12 month old twin boys I can totally relate to self activating arsehole mode! Great to know were not alone. Xx

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  56. Bloody love this. So glad it's not just me!

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  57. What I found astounding is that so many women keep the truth inside. I just let it all roll out, including confessing that I didn't love my first born until after he smiled. I don't get the act. I get polite smiles when I tell the truth. It would be so much easier if every woman just admitted the first 6 weeks are he'll, 12 weeks are crap, 6 months are hard and it all goes to crap again when they hit 2 and 3. It would stop so many women feeling inadequate. I don't like newborns. I love my boys though. You are a breath of fresh air.

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  58. I've been a mum for 26 years now, my kids are 26, 23 twin boys of 12 and twin girls of 10. I wobbly all the time espacially as I have got older and am now a single parent, but my measure like yours is how well my children are doing, I have managed to release two well adjusted adults into the world and the four little ones seem to be doing okay so maybe I am doing ok too even on the days I know I'm not. Keep smiling

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  59. Oh how.I love your story..I am a grandma bringing up two very active grandsons of 7 & 9 years respectively..I often feel I dont know what i am doing..doing it the second tume round is not easy either xx

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  60. Thanks for this. I have days where my daughter runs at me, giggling and cooing, and I think, "Why are you so pleased to see me? Do you not know how terrible I am at this?" And I realise she thinks I'm great (most of the time) and it's her opinion that counts the most.

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    1. Hello sceptimum! Do you think you could email me (theunmumsymum@gmail.com) as I might like to use your above comment in my book (if that's okay with you of course!) x

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  61. Thank you. I am reading this after our third night on the bounce of 1-4am toddler screaming, which is even sh*ttier than it sounds when you have to get up at 5.30am to go to work. My tether is officially reaching its end. Genuinely not sure I can cope, and yet somehow you made me smile. Unmumsy Mum, you rock.

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  62. Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me not feel like the only terrible mum in the world. I wish I had seen things like this 4 years ago when he was a baby but I still need it now!

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  63. Wow that sounds so familiar and good to know not on my own. You can't help but put yourself down when they play up and blame you cos you question everything you have done and ever do xx

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  64. I nodded and smiled along to each word, as my 3yr old redecorated the kitchen cornflake style, and my 4 months old did his best impression of an unloved puppy.

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  65. These posts made me feel 1000% better. I am the most unmaternal woman alive and I feel crap most of the time....these crap feelings seep into work to and now I also think I am crap there too!! However like you I look at my little two year old....currently watching sodding peppa pig...and realise he is a happy, well fed, sweet adorable child...most of the time so I must be doing alright.....as the last post said u do rock!!!

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  66. Thank goodness for you, all of you. I have gone through every single thing written here (on a daily basis also) and thought there was something wrong with me. The transition from one to two children has damn near sent me to the loony bin. So thank you, now I know I'm not alone and other mums feel like me. As I boys approach 2 and 5 I hope it gets easier. Because hope is all I have! Ha ha!

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  67. This sums up how I feel about being a mum perfectly, thank you so much for letting me know I'm not the only un-mummsy mum out there!

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  68. Reading stuff like this makes me so glad I never had kids!

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  69. My children are now 18 and 15, I wish there had been blogs like yours when they were small. I had many days that felt like thus. I also had those mornings after being up all night when their smiles made everything worthwhile.
    Overall I think we are far too hard on ourselves as mums (and dads). Today my two are well adjusted articulate teenagers and the lights of my world. Try asking me again tomorrow.

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  70. Absolutely love this post! So good to know that I'm not the only one that feels like this sometimes, my children are my world but it is hard raising children! I sometimes wonder wether I'm doing a good job but then I look at the happy little faces of my babies and I know I am!

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  71. Please let everyone know that grandmothers feel like this, too. I felt like it as a mother of four (who all survived and seem to like me) and I'm absolutely crap at being a grandmother, especially measured against other grandmothers. Well said - all of it.

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  72. Thank goodness it's not just me :) I am an awesome nurse but I am not healthy enough to work and be a reasonable mum so being mum has to come first but I miss work so much - I made a difference everyday now I cuddle, cook, occasionally clean and feel like I do a rubbish job of a lot of it. I do have happy stable girls who know they are very loved x :)

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  73. As a mum of 2 teenagers, I still have 'wobbly days' and wonder whether I am doing it right. It is comforting to know that his seems to be a normal trait of parenthood, and that I'm not the only one who questions myself. Laughter is an excellent remedy, and you certainly deliver that (much needed at times), so thank you :-) P.S. the whole 'self activated arsehole mode' absolutely cracked me up! Still a lot of truth in that at age 12/14!

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  74. I am eating Pom Bears and drinking wine. I think that just about says it all...

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  75. OMG you literally just described my life. I wouldn't wish those dreaded wobbly days on anyone, but it's such a relief to know I'm not alone! Thank you Unmumsy Mum for telling it like it is!

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  76. OMG you literally just described my life. I wouldn't wish those dreaded wobbly days on anyone, but it's such a relief to know I'm not alone! Thank you Unmumsy Mum for telling it like it is!

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  77. The first mum's blog that makes me want to comment to say thank you! Spot on. ;) x

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  78. Speaking as an unmumsy grandad I can empathise totally with this. I am in awe of my daughter who does day in day out what I struggle with for a couple of hours. How you mums do this full time is inspiring.

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  79. I am the mother of a 7 year old and a 16 year old ,both boys and everything you described is how i still feel now even after 16 years lol ...i never was the maternal type , was an only child till i was 7 ,the first shitty nappy i changed was my firstborns ! You have described every feeling i have feltand still sometimes feel , i am deffo a UNmumsy mum,and not a fan of small children ,but am now going through a whole bunch of new feelings coping with a teenager who makes me sob at least once a day ...i feel bad as i scream my head off and they both stare at me like some lunatic
    I think as parents we go through an array of feelings throughout their lives and it doesnt get any easier ....thanks for the post reminded me of bygone days and moments of insanity where i would pretend we were playing hide and seek and wouldnt bother seeking lol !

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  80. I would have described myself as a mumsy mum, i love spending time with kids generally and couldn't wait to have some of my own but, bloody hell, parenting two of them is a nightmare. mine are now 8 and 5 and the constant battle of wills over what they eat, how they spend their time and how often they descend through squabbling into trying to tear each other apart is exhausting! what i really wanted to say though is to all those above who are beating themselves up about whether they are a good mum or not, just that fact that you are worried that you might not be makes you a good mum because you care about the job you are doing and you understand that what you do matters and that is the most important thing

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  81. Thank you so much for making me feel normal. I've had a 4 year scream, shout and throw things at me today. I've had many wobbly days. Especially when my little boy was born, I felt like I wasn't cut out to look after him, but we both got through it. And when he comes and gives me big hugs and tells me he loves me,he even told me I looked beautiful this afternoon, then I know I can get through the wobbly days.

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  82. As a mother of a disabled child along with 2 'apparently' non-disabled children, this is a glorious post. You mean I'm normal? When another 'disabled child parent' tells me 'oh, it's a blessing, this is the best thing to happen to me!' I'm the one thinking 'Really? Jesus you want to get out a bit more love! If anyone is passing blessings around any chance I can be in the lottery winning line next time?' I adore my children, I'll deal with everything that's thrown at us as a family, but enjoy every minute? I think not. I'm practically skipping out the school gates in the morning at 9am, slapping myself on the back chanting 'woohoo, all up, dressed and in school before first break. I am on a roll today!' Long live straight-talking, fault-finding-but-solving, surviving-by-the-skin-of-their-teeth-and-a-large-bar-of-cadburys Mums everywhere.

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  83. Thank you! So many times I've felt awful and that I'm the only mum struggling and that everyone else sails through it without those wobbly days. Thank you for saying it x

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  84. Same feeling like you as I have twin daughters who sometimes make my life so hard but otherwise them are angels

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  85. Thank you, this could be me too, and after 10 years of motherhood I still have days of screaming like a banshee at my children. The shameful thing is I didn't have a temper before I had children & only shout at them. Doesn't make me feel good about myself but these comments make me realise it's human. But they're doing well at school, have moments of being adorable with me and each other, are health & happy and say I'm a great mum (on mother's day). So thanks for the reminder about how to measure parenting success & I remind myself that my adult peers can't all have had amazing parents but they manage to hold down a job, arrive to work in clean clothes, have relationships, remember to eat meals so perhaps we put too much pressure on ourselves & they'll generally turn out right anyway.

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  86. Havihg kids is not all its made out to be they do not come with instructions you can not return them as a reject but they do turn out how you bought them up with lots of love and manners its not all about letting them have what they want and giving money dont beleive what you read in magazines lies alot of it with these famous people especially as a parent you are doing great when they turn into delight men women you can step back and smile and say to yourself that hard work payed off they will not always be children

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  87. See always feel like a bad mum. My daughter is a good kid but she is naughty but to the extreme that some are and I feel I tell her off quicker then I should. I have severe anxiety and I don't no if it's due to this. Before I used to use a strong calm tone but she won't listen to me. Getting dressed in the morning is a pain after 15 attempts I'd break down so now after first attempt I tell her off. I'm find arts and crafts hard too as I allow her to do her own thing course but I get frustrated if she puts to much glue on as she would squeeze whole tube and if I ask her not to stick something on as it hasn't stuck before and she will pick it up again I dnt shout but my tone is different and I'm like.... No it won't stick now leave it alone and then after I breakdown cz she should enjoy all this stuff and I feel I ruin it for her and I'm not cut out for it. Does anyone else get like this. I feel I'm always telling her off. Obv I dnt tell her off when she's good but with the making bits it's like iv always been like I like things done properly and she's only little so course I expect it to not be perfect but little things hug me Ie the glue and people r like so let it be covered in glue but it's like I think no coz then it's ruined. Sometimes inside I feel annoyed like wen I got her a wooden mobile to paint and she painted it all black and looked horrible and I should of been awww it dnt matter but inside I was annoyed she had ruined it. See I am a bad mum. Overall when she's not having tantrums she's the happiest girl u could meet. Please tell me others r like this x

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    1. You are most definitely not alone!!! Do not worry!!!

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  88. Thank you!!! Your amazing x x


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  89. Today has been a wobbly day... Just discovered your blog (you could be me!) and I feel so much better knowing my style of 'parenting' isn't unique to me x

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  90. Hey, my kid is 13 and I still question if 'motherhood' is for me! It gets easier to stop questioning it so loudly to the group of people you are with though as, at 13, my kid would rather be sat in another room LOL

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  91. Just found your blog and this post really struck a chord with me. I work full time so feel that my time with my two boys, now 8 & 6 should be 'perfect'. Unsurprisingly it isn't and their behaviour often irritates me to the point that I really shout at them....I never used to shout at anyone, even them until about a year ago. They behave so well almost all the time with everyone else...seems that it's only with me that they think that it's ok to whine, bicker, fight etc. It's so reassuring to know that it's not just me that finds myself in this situation from this post and all the comments! Keep up the great work 😊

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  92. This should be in every NCT brochure. I love it!

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  93. I actually got a little teary reading this. I feel like this sometimes and felt very alone amongst the #lovelife mums so thank you for showing me I'm not alone

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  94. I totally get this...I often feel like I don't enjoy being a Mum enough or that I can't do it. Thanks so much for sharing how you feel and I love your blog and the honesty of what it is like to be a parent to young kids!

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  95. I have just discovered your blog after reading about your Letter on the Daily Mirror. Thank you for your candid and honest blog. I feel halfway to normal against all these supermums who never meltdown and after reading this particular blog, I just had to comment. I will be redaing alllll the way back in youe blogs.

    Thankyou again x

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  96. I love your blog. It is like reading my life with Boy and Girl only somehow it seems funnier when I read it back. Thank you for letting us share your crazy moments so we know ours are ok too.

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  97. I found this blog a few weeks ago and haven't stopped reading since! I'm a new mum to a 12 week old baby who started teething at 8 weeks (kill me now) and I feel pretty useless at everything. So this has really made me feel better and given me a few giggles! Thank you!
    I started a blog about the trials and tribulations of young motherhood for someone who was not ready to have kids..
    www.theadventuresofmammaandbabyro.blogspot.com

    Romy xx

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  98. I so needed to read this post today - the shit-losing began at 5.30am with Son 1 (4 years old) waking me up and asking for a laser gun. I mean, what the...? So this has really cheered me up and made me feel I'm not alone in wondering if I'm any good at this parenting malarky some days! Thanks for sharing x

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  99. Thanks for this. Often on the many days I loose my shit, I spend the evening worrying about being a crap mum but this has made me feel normal

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  100. 'Puking in bra' and 'self activating arsehole mode' made me laugh so hard I nearly woke up my son! Thank you :)

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  101. Fabulous!!! Describing how myself and many more feel all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is soooooo hard but we are ok and doing our best!! I bloody lose everything!!!! Makes me go crazy!! xx

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  102. I am having a lot of "wobble" days at the moment where I find myself crying with a crying baby and telling my toddler that "mummy is just tired" when she asks "what's the matter mummy?"
    Essentially I feel that I just have to suck it up and it will pass but some days it is pretty hard going and lonely even when there are people offering help. It's reassuring to know there are other people in the same boat x

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  103. I am so glad I stumbled on your blog. Having a particularly bad week with a young toddler, and losing it a bit as she is definitely starting to ramp up her tantrums and really testing my limits. For the first time I felt really bad for yelling at her, but I have been so sleep deprived due to her coughing all week. Thanks for making me laugh til I cried (In a good way this time, not the mess that I was a few days ago) we need more honesty with parenting.....and to have a laugh as to how all of us put up with this and are mothers. It seriously is the hardest damn job ever!!

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  104. This has made me feel soooooo much better! Thanks everyone for being so honest. My 3 and 5 year old boys are lovely but sometimes push me to the edge. I'm a veterinary nurse and find a snarling rottweiler less daunting than my sons on a bad day.

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  105. I am not a mum yet, I have happened upon your blog through a friend, but I would like to say that I am also very grateful. I'm grateful because I would like to have children, but I'm terrified, absolutely crapping my pants terrified, that I won't be any good, that I'll hate it/myself/them, how do you all know what you're doing?! that's the question most often on my mind when I think about having kids. To read these beautifully honest comments and understanding that we're all just people, we do our best and sometimes things get on top of us, makes me feel it is possible to have children in today's world and despite the bad days, still be a fantastic parent, if you have the right perspective. Particularly loved the comment 'We're all just treading water' - thankyou so much for the reality check and the affirmation that there are sane women out there!

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  106. I am so in love with your blog and honesty right now! If people could see me behind closed doors im always 'loosing my shit' but manage to hide it well for fear of being made out to be a bad mum. I'm gonna carry on reading through your archive!

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  107. I feel I have more wobbly days than not, but oh the truth in your post!!! We aren't alone in losing our shit! I love this, just love it. I will never be the #lovelife mom either, and I'm ok with that, and its great to see I'm not alone in it!

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  108. I could have written every word of this myself. Lost count of how many puke filled bras my first caused and the second once covered me head to toe from the other end at 2am. And regularly I drop them off where they need to be then sit in the car and cry for 30 minutes before starting my day. But they are happy, fit and (except for perhaps adding a volume control) I wouldn't change them for the world.

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  109. I love you! Thank you for making me feel "real" again.....

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  110. I happened upon this blog after typing in "i feel like a shit mum"...thanks for making me feel not so shit!

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  111. You just made me cry! Reading that was a light in the darkness. Thank you.

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  112. I can't tell you how much reading this has given me a boost. I had a very wobbly day today that culminated in me parked at the side if the road crying and asking my 5month old "what, what exactly do you want I'm trying my bloody best" I immediately felt dreadful, it's not her fault, but reading this I've realised it's not my fault either. Xx

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  113. Thank you. Just thank you

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  114. The thing to remembers is none of us were given a handbook on how to do this. NO training is given we are literally apprentices through every child we have. Every child will not behave like the last will be even more willful than the one before because they have seen how they failed and know they can do better. Some days I just stand there and scream or throw myself on the floor or chair and wail too!! Soon gets them to stop because to them I have hit full crazy mode! We are MUMS we are allowed wobbles, there is no right way to do this, only the best way that works for us! And yes we probably feed our kids more bribes than we care to admit but for that 5 minutes peace after having a crappy day it seems worth it. Don't measure yourself against anyone else, they are having exactly the same wobbles they are probably just better at holding their shit together that day! Be proud, we all rock, we grew and carried a person in our bodies brought them into this world and have the crappy job of trying to steer them right and protect them against it! I for one feel like I have to wear my knickers on the outside of my trousers everyday! But it worth it to see them smile, get that unexpected hug or be told you are the best mum/dad in the world, because ladies/gents that what those wobbles make you appreciate more!

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  115. Thankyou for this post. I'm an adoptive mother you see and some days I feel as though my boy hates me and knows exactly what buttons he needs to press for me to lose my shit, even though he is only 19months old I ask myself each day is it something I'm doing wrong, why does he do this to me not his Dad? Why wallop me and not his dad? Motherhood is a double edged sword and never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be this emotional impact draining.

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  116. This is so how I feel - this weekend was one of those moments! I did go and hide in the bathroom and sob, went back into the living room and my partner said "have you been crying" I was like "no, my eyes are really itchy"!! I have not found motherhood to be natural, at all! I am so glad that I am not the only one that feels like this! Thank you!!

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  117. This is just how I felt this weekend! Yes I went and hid in the bathroom sobbing my heart out, went back into the living room and my partner was like "have you been crying" and I was like "no, my eyes are itchy" .... no way was I gonna tell him I feel like I'm doing an awful job! I remember the NCT lady keep telling us "it's the most natural thing in the world" my little one is now 17mths old and Mmmmmmmm to me it still isn't! So glad I'm not the only one who has rubbish times of it sometimes :( Thank you so much for this, I don't feel so alone.

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  118. I'm a mother of a 9 year old and 5 year old and this still resonates with me. It doesn't get any easier as they get older - it's just a different set of problems. I feel like I'm constantly screaming at them and that I'm not enjoying them at all and constantly worry this is all they'll remember from their childhoods.

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  119. I have lost my shit today! From whining to crying to moaning to pushing the boundaries. My son even called me a fat fart!!!!!!Has now ripped his curtains off the hooks. Just gone up to give a cuddle after calming down to find him peacefully snoring in bed. I had a cry while cuddling him, other baby in bed for a nap and now its downtime for mum. Phew and I'm only half way through the day !!!!!

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  120. I am crying today reading this post (for about the 10th time) because today feels like the kind of day I could walk out the door and not come back.
    I adore my daughter. But she is such hard work. I am looking forward to going back to a stressful, poorly paid job because it's easier than being a stay at home mum. The cherry on the cake for me today is that I am just sick of my refluxy 7 month old being sick all the fucking time, today on the only clean top I have which coincidentally is the only new top I have brought since having her because my body shape is now the size of a VW campervan.
    I find myself thinking 'hurry up and move out so I can have my life back'
    Having kids is shit sometimes.

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  121. Thank you so much for this post, it has made me feel a lot better! Have had the week from hell with toddler and 5 month old, to the point where I seriously questioned why we had another child. Love all the comments which show we are all in the same boat, being a parent is bloody hard work.

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  122. I actually googled "how to not lose your shit with your kids" and found this post. It made me laugh out loud and pull sympathetic faces as well. Thanks for keeping it real and making my day - where I lost my shit ...twice with my two little girls xx

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  123. I'm having a wobbly day & thought "I could cry... Or I could google the sh*t out of this & find someone with a blog & a talent for words." And I found you. Thanks for reminding me that while I may feel "unmumsy" right now, I'm doing a fantastic job because yes, the kids are fine.

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  124. This is so what I needed to hear today after my 15 month old daughter has pretty much refused to sit in her highchair and pushchair for weeks now and today she decided to do it at our favourite baby group (which we were 15 mins late to because she refused to go in her highchair for breakfast and then refused to have her nappy change). It was their last session before summer and so we were having a party. Cue me rocking up looking like I'be been dragged through a hedge backwards wielding some cheese sarnies (thankfully id made them last night).

    I felt like my head was going to explode. So glad I read this. I'm watching her now putting a pair of welly boots and her hands and saying hello to them...seems pretty happy to me so if shes happy then I should be.

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  125. Just had a v crap ending to the day when I lost it and smacked my brilliant and lovely and almost always well behaved 4yr old on the back side for persistently doing the one thing etc etc and hubby felt sad, and daughter felt utterly betrayed and I had to then try to manage it with some humility and so, sitting here in the early hours while they sleep upstairs I google 'I feel rubbish as a mum' and find this. Because I really didn't know what else to do with how wretched I feel.

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  126. And I feel guilty for struggling and 'failing' as often as I do when I have a fab hands on husband and only one child!! The kind of child everyone says is so easy, so well behaved etc. and she is!! And I still lose my shit and doing it next to my mild mannered calm husband I look positively batshit!!!! I sometimes 'wish' I could say I was the busy mother or two, three, four kids so I felt justified

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  127. Having one of those wobbly days today. Finding this post has helped so much. Thank you. I can relate on so many levels!

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  128. Wow just read this post after a little breakdown. It made me smile and realise that every mum has struggles. Being a new mum im feel to be strugggling with trying to maintain the house, look after the baby, cook clean you name it. I cnt remember the last time i bathed alone or had me time. Our dad works at long distance driving and when his home his tired so he'll play with the baby 10 mins n thats all. I feel that im running around for everything. I guess maybe after all im not a shit mum

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  129. Definitely having one of those days today. Trying to work toddler refuses to sleep then spends all afternoon crying because he's tired. In between emptying the cupboards and bin and generally doing everything he's asked not to regardless of distractions! In the end I lost it! I just sat and cried! Feeling 100% a shit mum today but then I read this and suddenly all I wanted to do was cuddle my little one and apologise for being so shit!

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  130. I love you for this post. Thank you.

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  131. This is the kind of post I most definitely needed today. Thank you for helping me unlock the bathroom door from my current 'wobble'.

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  132. Oh my God! Today has definitely been a 'I can't do this, I'm crap at being a mummy' day. I have flitted between "I wouldn't sell my kids for £1,000,000" to "going free to a good home" on an hourly basis! Reading your blog always helps on days like today - thank you!

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  133. Sometimes it’s just so hard to stay calm, to do the ‘step away, count to 10 and breathe’ thing the online ‘experts’ suggest … it just all spills over and you just SCREAM! And once you’ve started, it’s hard to rein it back in – I hate that I shout at my boy, I hate that I make him cry when I scream at him for waking me up at 5am yet again, or keeping me awake all night, or not wanting his nappy or clothes on, just wanting to play and wriggle away, but gradually the pursed lipped ‘mummy’s in a rush, mummy is going to be late, come on little one just let me do X,Y,Z’ turns into angry raised voiced ‘stop being such a brat, why won’t you behave, why are you so naughty’ and then to shouted ‘what is WRONG with you??? WHY won’t you just BE GOOD??? What have I don’t to deserve such a HORRIBLE BOY’ .. and then I cry because I’ve been so mean to him!! His little face looking up at me with fear and uncertainty, ‘why is my mummy shouting at me, I just wanted to roll around on the bed for a bit’, those little eyes filling with tears … oh it rips me to pieces how unkind I can be in the heat of the moment, I forget that at the end of the day he’s not trying to be bad, and even if he is, I’m meant to be the grown up, he’s the baby, I’m the one who’s meant to guide him in how to behave, is it any wonder he kicks off the way he does??? I worry that I’m a bad mum because he acts the way he does, and then when I respond the way I do, I feel like I am just the worst parent in the world…

    Then 10 mins later he will come over to me and give me a big cuddle and I will look into those eyes that mirror mine, and just see pure love reflected back at me – god it’s an emotional rollercoaster this motherhood thing!

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  134. Thank you for your article. I've read and continue to read books, articles, etc. on how to be a better parent, and so it feels that much worse when I lose my shit at times. I mean, I'm a smart mom who does her due diligence and so I should know better, right?! But even though I know better, my emotions get the best of me at times. There's more growing to do, for sure, but there's more forgiving to do too. We are all trying our best!! Thank you for your candid thoughts....it has helped me be a bit kinder to myself today.

    Regards,
    Anonymous in Vancouver, BC, Canada ��

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  135. My 4 year old son has literally broke me these last few days, I feel like all I have done is shout at him, I've been shouted at, screamed at, had toys thrown at me...I was so cross and upset I packed his trunki and told him he was going to live at the naughty little boys home because he was being so naughty. Then I cried, and felt so guilty over what I'd done...what kind of mother tells their 4 year old they're going to live somewhere else where naughty little boys live. I was then racked with guilt, cried my eyes out in the kitchen and poured my heart out to my hubby about what a crap mum I am, while my son sat and munched jam sandwiches watching his favourite cartoon as if nothing had happened...roll on midnight and googling 'am I a bad mother?', which is how I came across this post, and everyone's comments, and I'm so glad I did! Today has definitely been a 'wobbly' day, but after reading this post I went and snuggled up with my son...he's amazing, he's such a lovely, happy little boy and I couldn't be more proud of him, I might be worrying about getting this parenting thing all wrong at times, but then I look at him and know I'm definitely doing something right! So thank you again for this post, and for making me feel normal!

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  136. Thank you so much. I am having one of those days... I am losing my shit... I feel like I'm trying so hard, doing the best I could, I'm always exhausted, in a bad mood, yet despite all my efforts I still feel like I'm bad mom. And most of all I feel like no one understands me. Especially my husband. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone

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