Lesson 50: Toddler Funnies

'Kids are SO funny!' people used to tell me before I decided to take the plunge myself. Are they? I thought. Funny how? They seemed pretty fucking annoying to me.

I actually had no reason to trust these people, who, it later transpired, were liars. 

They told me I wouldn't even remember my life before kids. 

I do. Oh how I do. 

They told me having kids would be the 'best thing I'd ever do'. Granted this is probably true long-term, but it is definitely not true at 3am when one child needs feeding and the other has pissed the bed. At those times it makes my Top 5 'What the hell was I thinking' moments (alongside my red adidas trousers and turquoise Kappa jacket combo). 

But the kids being funny bit...well, I'll give them that. That wasn't a lie. 

The humour doesn't happen instantly. I mean babies aren't all that funny are they?  Sure it's mildly entertaining when they sit up and topple over. Or when they flick food on their head and wonder where it has gone. But generally my babies have never really made me laugh out loud (I have cried out loud though...oh god there has been lots of crying....)

But when they become toddlers, when they become small people (rather than screaming potatoes), the comedy gold moments materialise. Scattered amongst the tantrums, the food refusal and general arsehole-ish behaviour, toddlers are bloody hilarious. 

Hours of LOLs

Below are just a few of Boy One's 'funnies' from the last couple of months:

'Can I have a special meal for my birthday tea? From B&Q?' (KFC).

[Loudly outside Tesco] 'Why are we at Tesco again? Do we need more wine?' 

'Does that lady have a FANNY? DOES SHE HAVE ONE MUM?'

'How will baby brother get out your tummy? Is there a slide?'

[Playing his fishing game] 'I like big rods best. Do you like big rods Mummy?' *Insert unnecessary parent chortling*

'That's a graveyard. It's where you go when you are DEADED. You go there on the Underground.'

'Are we going to have a sniff of the smelly bush?' [Rosemary in herb garden, I swear!]

'That squirrel is hungry! He's looking for some chicken nuggets!' 

[With a big sigh] 'That IS the question.' 

And amongst all of the above gems, we are treated daily to his current obsession with all things boobs, pants, bum, poo and farts. Granted this does get annoying. And at times it's bloody embarassing. 

But on the rainiest and most boring of days, when the baby is screaming and I would quite like to hide behind the fridge door drinking wine through a straw (whilst sobbing), there is something undeniably comical about a two year old shouting 'Booby pants!' 'Stinky poo fart!' and/or 'Knickers ON YOUR HEAD!' whilst in the Post Office. 

God love 'em.

Lesson 50: I'm sure many of the above are 'you had to be there' moments, but if you are a new parent still in the baby stage, or if you are shortly transitioning to the toddler years, you can look forward to similar funnies of your own. 

Alongside the arsehole-ish behaviour. Sorry about that. 

The Unmumsy Mum