Sunday, 26 July 2015

A night without the kids.

"And breathe..." we said as we headed off in the car WITHOUT our children. Massive respect to Granny and Grandad for hearing our pleas and taking charge of our crazy ones overnight ("they won't cause you any trouble at all, none at all, bye now...keep smiling and DRIVE.")

We were heading somewhere posh ("can I get away with leggings?") for our first night away in over two years and taking the opportunity to celebrate two things; the hubby's birthday (the big 3-2) and our fifth wedding anniversary, which is coming up in a couple of weeks. We haven't actually celebrated any anniversaries yet, probably because for the past four years I have either been pregnant, breastfeeding or just a bit fucking grumpy (and Valentine's Day lost any shred of romantic appeal in 2012 when Boy One claimed it as his birthday).

Destination: sleep
 So a night away was just what the doctor ordered; or it would have been if the doctor had observed me taking myself for a Time Out in the downstairs toilet this week because the baby had bitten the three year old and the three year old was savage because he didn't want that beaker he wanted THE ONE WITH THE BLUE LID! Somebody fire Mummy, she is clearly fucking ignorant about beaker etiquette.

The best bits about spending a night away
- Pretending we were teenagers listening to Snoop Dogg in the car because we could. Because all of a sudden there was no restriction on hearing about bitches in the living room gettin it on (and they ain't leavin til six in the mornin) - though there is no doubt we looked like major twats rollin' down the street in our ten year old Vauxhall Astra which struggles to accelerate unless in third gear and has a backseat strewn with breadsticks, sick-encrusted Duplo and an Aquadoodle. Incidentally, I found that without even thinking I had packed some baby wipes and a Fruit Shoot. Just in case.

- The peace. So bloody obvious but we definitely had 'a moment' of drinking in the silence and realising that for the best part of a day there would be no crying. We were at our hotel for twenty hours and nobody cried.

- Having a relaxing bath. We have no bath at home, not that I'm at all bitter that we bought a house with a bathroom too small to fit even the smallest bath in, not at all...anyway, the bath at our hotel was the Bees Knees. And nobody stopped me mid leg-shave to tell me they needed 'a mixture' (a mixture of a wee and a poo, just to be clear, yes this happens at home).

- Straightening my hair and putting actual make-up on in front of a mirror. 
- Eating dinner in peace. A posh one at that. We're very much a pesto pasta family. Occasionally we mix it up with some sausages/potato wedges/beans. And meals out, if we're being honest, are at that establishment lit up with the giant letter that comes before N (where you get a shitty minion toy to further bribe the child whose questionable behaviour has already been rewarded with chicken nuggets). But not this time. This time we enjoyed fine dining. We had not just a waiter but also a WINE WAITER. Bloody hell, it was a cut above my usual G&T in a tin.

- Eleven hours sleep (I'm SO sorry to people in the midst of night feed hell right now but I've paid my dues and your time will come too. There is hope. My baby is nearly 11 months and I am full of hope at the moment). We went to sleep at 9.30pm. 9.30pm! That is what parenthood (and a bottle of Prosecco) does to you.

But in the morning, after our fatboy breakfasts and an undisturbed pot of tea, we were ready to go home.

"Let's get back," we agreed, as we fired up some 50 Cent for the return journey (Now I'ma let the champagne bottle pop, I'ma take it to the top, for sho I'ma make it hot, baby (baby)...shall we stop at Tesco for nappies?)

And we were genuinely happy to get back.

Back to the familiar chaos of the living-room, littered with Happyland people and other unidentifiable plastic crap.

Back to the crying, the bath-less bathroom, the frozen pizza and G&Ts in tins.

Back to our boys, who, it has to be said, we were thinking about all of the time (except the eleven hours we were sleeping, obviously).

Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder, or at the very least slightly more tolerant. Tolerance we just might need for our next planned trip away...three nights in a caravan, with both the kids...

The Unmumsy Mum
We stayed at the glorious
Boringdon Hall on the outskirts of Plymouth

The long-suffering Mr Unmumsy, 32 tomorrow


  1. I love this! My husband and I have had one night off in ten years and we spent the night in a lovely hotel but left straight after breakfast to go back home. X

  2. I do love a night away from our little minion, however few and far between they are...1 in the last 2 years... But the best part (however we all try to deny it) is always heading home to see his little arms outstretched! We even had to Skype him for a 20 minute catch up (we'd been gone 3 hours)! But 3 nights in a caravan with 2?! I wish you all the luck in the world ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™ˆ

  3. Oooh you were just up the road. Lovely isn't it? I am very jealous - my tiny satan was 2 last week and I've not had a night away yet...

  4. We did something very similar for our 10th anniversary a fortnight ago. The idea of 12 hours sleep was more exciting than anything else. Until the fucking bin lorry rocked up at 5am and then the little alley at the back of our room vibrated to the sound of some twat in an Impreza! #massivefail

    1. ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜… this has made me chuckle

  5. Unmumsy, you look so young and happy and healthy! Hurrah for your lovely sleep and night away. Clearly, I am green with envy, currently struggling through my 2nd non-sleeper. I genuinely am feeling more positive now though, thank you.

    A mixture?! I laughed a lot. XX

  6. Beaker etiquette! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  7. Yes! This is so me and my husband when we (on the very rare occasion) get away for the evening/night.

  8. P.S. We (mum & dad) r currently enjoying a rate night at a spa for our wedding anniversary. So nice to eat dinner & drink wine in a proper restaurant SLOWLY without having to worry that one of our trio of terror will start crying! However we will also be leaving straight after breakfast as we have missed our little monkeys so much! No doubt we'll b regretting it approx 10 minutes after arriving home!

  9. We've just done 10 nights in a caravan with 2yo & 4yo. Take an iPad (or 2 if possible = 1 each) x

  10. This is great - we are in much need of a night off too. And I learned a new word - mixture! ;)

  11. I'm so lucky to have a mum who has bedrooms at her house for all the boys! She loves having them so when i've lost my shit too many times I know there's somewhere to send them!!! Lol

  12. Ha ha. This is so us.

  13. ha ha long suffering Mr Unmumsey! Great read! Nights away are needed! get the next one booked in with the Grandparents! Next Blog has to be 'chaos in Caravan!'

  14. Sounds great. Particularly love that you indulged in some 'parental advisory' type music to mark your child-free status. Brilliant. We're not quite brave enough to go for a whole night away just yet (hopefully someday soon though) but we're planning our first real night out as adults since baby 2 arrived six months ago this weekend and I can't wait!

  15. For as much as I love the thought of being away from my boys ... And for how much piece and quiet is priceless... I don't like the quiet as it means my children arnt there lol

  16. Wow, impressed! It's our 10th anniversary in September and our dreams of heading back to Waikiki (where we honeymooned, and stood on the beach making plans for our 10th anniversary) are, quite frankly, a ridiculous notion! What the feck were we thinking?! We'll be lucky to get to Maccy D's (but DH has promised me a shitty toy as a present) and most likely with bambinos in tow. We've not had a night alone in at least 3.5 years and just a meal out is pretty much unheard of. I bet it was amazing!

  17. Ha i have a tin of G & T in the fridge right now

  18. Love it! So true, we have had precious few nights away from our three children (don't have parents willing to step in but do have one amazing friend) but find we a) notice the peace and quiet b) talk about the kids c) look forward to seeing the kids!! We have mostly had caravan holidays with the kids (on one now reading your post in the bar while youngest is being entertained!) and find the kids love them, it's a novelty. X

  19. God I wish I could do this! My eldest is 2 and a half and is yet to stay out, I'm working on grandma though!
    I love reading your blogs they make me laugh every time. I've recently started blogging myself if anyone fancies a X