Last Sunday I took Boy One to the cinema. A rare outing just the two of us and it was great.
The end.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
Actually the cinema was great. Personally I don't get the Minions thing (there were adults wearing Minions T-shirts watching the 10am screening on their own, some laughing hysterically at Kevin and Stuart saying "banana" and cheering at King Bob...but each to their own). My boy was happy and I was happy that he was happy. I also inhaled £7.46 worth of Pic 'n' Mix and enjoyed 90 minutes of not being whinged at. It was fun.
And then I made a mistake.
Rather than returning home on a high note (whilst we were both still laughing and smiling and holding hands like something out of the Boden catalogue) I decided it would be the PERFECT opportunity to go and get him some new shoes. He could pick some and it would be so much easier without the baby in tow. It would be FUN.
I am such a dick.
I am such a dick.
It wasn't fun. This is what went down:
- I asked him if he needed the toilet as we left the cinema. No, he most definitely did not. Five minutes later he was shouting "I NEED A POO IT'S GOING TO COME OUT." I then had to pick him up and run with him to John Lewis. Nothing raises your blood pressure quite like carrying 2.5 stone of ready-to-detonate poo bomb. He was much less desperate by the time we go there. Funny that.
- He lay on the floor in H&M, refusing to try on any shoes. When I finally managed to wrestle a pair on (and I mean WRESTLE - the other shoppers pretended not to notice as I pinned down his limbs whilst he made loud fart noises) he ran off with the elastic tying the shoes together still attached, tripping him up and snapping the elastic.
- He cried because I wouldn't let him go down another escalator. We were already on the ground floor.
- He ordered chicken nuggets but when they arrived dropped the bombshell that he doesn't like chicken anymore (but he "might like it again when's he's 4 because 4 year olds can have chicken").
By the time we returned home I was in a rage ("why he is always like this for me? Nobody else has to put up with this shit!") and the joyful 1.5 hour cinema date was a distant memory.
Moral(s) of the story?
Quit while you're ahead.
Don't bother shoe shopping.
Don't buy chicken nuggets for a 3 year old because only 4 year olds eat chicken. FACT.
The Unmumsy Mum
Love this. My recent shoe shop experience with my 2 year old culminated in her screaming 'My Mummy's hurting meee'' over and over again' to the horrified shoppers ( I had put a sock on her foot) I had to buy some flashing shoes that cost more then my OWN shoes (That don't even flash FFS) just to get the hell out of there before someone called social services.
ReplyDeleteHello lovely, do you think you could send me an email (theunmumsymum@gmail.com) I might like to use your above story in my book amongst other real-life tales from parents (if you don't mind that is!) xx
DeleteSounds very similar to my day! Thank you for this blog. Nice to know I am not alone, which is how I am feeling!
ReplyDeleteReplace cinema and shoe shop with lovely bike ride to playground and quick stop at the Co-Op and you described my day exactly. Oh, except that I wasn't anywhere near a toilet with the impending poo bomb, had to make use of a hedge and deal with screaming meltdown when a cute, tiny little dog dared to come within 10 feet of us to find out what the hell we were doing in the bushes. And let's just not mention the looks I got from the dog's owner when we emerged, both slightly poo stained and traumatised (me and child, don't think the dog got into the firing line).
ReplyDelete😂😂😂
DeleteOh my good god. And there I was thinking it was tough at 18 months... Bollocks.. I've still got it all coming! Noooooo! Hahah x
ReplyDeleteWe went to Clarks for my daughter's first shoes, where they make an event of it and take a Polaroid photo as a souvenir. When the sales assistant approached us with the foot measure, my daughter immediately threw herself out my arms and on to the floor and stated screaming. She then took off on a (wobbly but surprisingly fast) sprint around the shop, shouting "No! No! No!", trying to pull all the bags off their hooks. The assistant had to take so many photos to finally get one that doesn't look like an obvious toddler meltdown.
ReplyDeleteMy tip - leave toddler in pram for foot measuring. It's not perfect but then few things in life are ;-)
DeleteYou would have through my boy was being tortured the way he reacted when we went to get his first shoes fitted in Clarks, until we left the shop (said shoes on) that is and, on going the the toilet for a nappy change, screamed even more when I tied to take them off. Sometimes you just can't win!
DeleteThe blog refers to shoe shopping with a toddler, which is probably when John did one of the funniest things ever! Very much unimpressed with having his feet measured at K Village, he actually farted in the face of the poor woman who was just trying to do her job! Needless to say, we never went there again!
ReplyDeleteI took 2.5yr old to see cinderella. No one warned me it was over 2hrs long. She started running up and down the stairs just over half way through then sat eating spilled malteasers off said stairs. I refused to leave or wrestle the malteasers from her (she's the one that dropped them and it kept her quiet for about 3minutes). Her father can take her to see the minions!
ReplyDeletehaha.. my daughter is 3, and she is literally going to do everything (that she currently doesn't want to/is to scared to do) when she's 4. we have discussed the idea of holding a fake birthday party- she'd never know...
ReplyDeleteIt will still be the same at 6 years and 4 years take it from me!
ReplyDeleteI understand now why you needed the Lego therapy! :-)
ReplyDeleteThis morning, cinema with my 4yo daughter while daddy looked after baby. Then I decided to take her to Sainsbury to look at school uniform, which I thought she'd be excited about, seeing as she starts in September. Wrong! All she did was keep asking me when we were meeting daddy, telling me she missed daddy and dragging me over to the toy section. #shouldahadaboy 😒
ReplyDeleteNearly accidentally tipped our 2 month old from his pram into a pile of horse shit on "lovely" picnic while 3 year old ran ahead towards dangerous pond.
ReplyDeleteJust staying in from now on
So true. Quit while you're ahead and choose your battles are my mantras to get through this parenting thing.
ReplyDeleteI never quit early enough. Ever. I seem to turn into cocky mummy when I'm on a roll and go on auto pilot to push every limit by attempting things that are frankly ludicrous with a toddler (inevitably tired and grouchy by this point) and baby (inevitably starving or preparing an exploding nappy) in tow. I don't think I will ever learn.
ReplyDeleteMy last shoe shopping trip was pretty much the exact experience as your blog post about shopping- it took several hours, numerous toilet trips and the shop assistant was obviously new as she kept asking others to check her measurements. "yes it is correct his feet really are that wide and yes I do know you don't do that width in that size but we will make do with bigger size" all the while the baby is screaming because he wants to get out the pram and throw all the shoes from the shelves. I got home and ordered a foot gauge to measure at home, order on line and never again will I go shoe shopping wahoo!!
ReplyDeleteLove this blog. Its as if I am writing it myself!!! My 3yo ran off to "her other mummy" (thanks Coraline) whilst my 2yo head butted a concrete step!!!! Sadly the "other mummy" gave her back.....
ReplyDeleteLove reading your blog and totally get the need to quit while you're ahead. I never learn that shopping with a 4 year old and 2 yr old is not fun for anyone and I want to cry more than they do.
ReplyDeleteAm crying with laughter - thanks for making me feel normal - love your blog!!
ReplyDeletehahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha!! You are the best! I've just had to stop myself looking like a crazy person laughing my head off in my office cause of this blog!
ReplyDeleteYou have also inspired me to start my own blog, hence the name! Thank you for giving me the confidence to not only get through challenging situations with my kids, but to also write about stuff that happens to me! x
Love that you say 'why is he always like this for me'! I ask myself and my daughter this on a daily basis! You've made me feel that my daughter is actually quite normal and not the annoying naughty little 3 year old that I sometimes think she is! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHaha. My 3 year old threw a tantrum the other day because their was chicken in her chicken soup and apparantly 3 year old don't like chicken! Seems like a scientific fact to me! Lol.
ReplyDeleteBuying shoes this august for my 5 year old (going in to year 1) and 3 year old (going in to nursery with a uniform)
ReplyDeleteMy 5 year on realising that she hates all shoes ran round the shop screaming "she's not my mummy- she's aborting ( she meant abducting me) when the security guard asked me ( as i stood sheepishly with my 3 year old and her new shoes because she's not flipping feral) "is this your daughter?" the shop assistant said "she might as well have her, she'll have a matching set- as the girls look so similar lol