Friday, 9 January 2015

Lesson 37: Don't Judge A Mum By Her Temper

Long ago, in the land of No Children, I promised myself I would never lose my temper in public. 

I turned my nose up at parents shouting at their kids in the supermarket. How very undignified. How very common

I tutted at mothers on buses who snapped at the abhorrent behaviour of their offspring. Sometimes a bottom slap was involved. All very Jeremy Kyle.

I felt sad for the children whose parents gave abrupt answers to their questioning. Those poor little darlings were just curious, and the parents were clearly too lazy to offer a proper explanation.

Now I am a parent and I want to say this:
To all of those people I silently judged; I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because it has since occurred to me that when you screamed your child's name in the Co-op I had NO IDEA of how she had behaved for you in those hours before. I'd hazard a guess and say she had probably refused to put her shoes on, cried in the car and demanded unhealthy bribes to sit in the trolley. So whilst running away in the tinned food aisle wasn't the biggest crime, you were perfectly justified in losing your shit. I lose my shit every day. Every. Single. Day.
 
I'm sorry because all things considered there wasn't a lot you could do on that bus. Your kids were quite frankly an embarrassment, and shouting and/or restraining them was just about the only way you could show the other passengers that you didn't think their anti-social behaviour was okay either. Sometimes, I have zero control over my children. Sometimes I shout at The Toddler because he runs away from me. Sometimes I shout at him because he DOESN'T FUCKING LISTEN. And sometimes I just shout. Not really at anyone, just a verbal manifestation of my rage to accompany the baking tray throwing. 

I'm sorry because the day you said 'hmmm' and 'yes dear' and 'be quiet' in response to your child's intelligent question, I had not witnessed the MILLION AND ONE other questions that had come before it. 
Like 'Why is it Wednesday?' 
'Can I have a treat later?' 
'What is cereal? What IS cereal? WHAT IS CEREAL? What is it though?'
 
So to all the Co-op Mums, Frazzled Bus Ladies and 'Because it is' respondents...I'm sorry because I know now. When your child is being a complete arse I will NOT tut at you, I will give you the Nod of Sympathy instead.

I have your back.  

The Unmumsy Mum





44 comments:

  1. I think it was easier not to shout when I only had one child. I am so shouty these days!

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    1. Yes! I'm more shouty with two too...best not to bottle it up, ey!

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    2. Don't have 3 then! I shout all the time now because there's always ar least one of them (or more likely 2 out of 3) in shit bag mode.

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    3. Have 4. They just shout at each other!

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    4. Sure my three have a plan mapped out to take it in turns for maximum effect

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    5. Haha shit bag mode love it

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    6. Haha have 4 they shout at each other! Love it lol. Think i'll just stick to the one baby boy then lol.

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  2. That was me today. Nightmare this morning...one nearly 4 year old refusing to get dressed when I was trying to do about 3 other things before going to nursery. Until I was about to walk out the door, he was on his way to being taken to nursery naked...then he twigged and eventually put some clothes on. Arrggghhh.

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    1. Oh god, sounds like the morning from hell!!!! Hope you had a glass of wine to recover later on. Thanks for reading :-)

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  3. We are all there!! It's that build up that no one sees before... and the questions!!! Thank god for the Google App - 6 year old has that down! Great post x

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    1. Hahaha! How did parents survive without the bribe of technology?! Thanks so much for reading and for the RT :-)

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  4. I love this! All I can say is me too! I'm much less of a judgemental bitch now, well a little less, let's be honest, I still need some amusements as being a mum can involve hours of tedium (kids tv, colouring, puzzles, etc) Can I say that?!

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  5. That will be me tomorrow at grocery shopping you can guarantee that my son will
    Be a nightmare

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  6. I was that mum today, 4 yr old refused to get dressed as he doesn't like buttons on his polo shirt! My day went rapidly down hill from there needless to say I lost my shit. Thanks for keeping me sane x

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  7. Don't you find aswell that you have perfected the "getinthecarnow" through-gritted-teeth-whilst-smiling technique, so to the outside world you appear sane and lovely mumsy like....? I seem to do this daily, especially as my 3&5 yr continue to argue over who gets to sit behind mummy... *silent mummy scream*

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  8. I was so this type of moody arsed mum today! My toddler had been a right floozy for most of the afternoon and when I collected my son 7 from school he cried coz I wouldn't search for a book on the net there and then so I basically told him that he has to wait like it or lump it and i told him to stop embarrassing himself! Oooo the looks and frankly I did not care! I'm pregnant it was too hot and my toddler decides to scrape her feet on the floor all the way to the school on her push a long trike! I apologised at home after a nice relaxing brew :)

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  9. I was judgmental of others before having children and especially of the shouty mums - found myself in a supermarket the other day being a shouty mum because as I turned to put a bag in the trolley my three year old disappeared in a panic with a one year old in the trolley, shopping still being scanned through piling up I found myself shouting out my daughters name in panic trying to find her while everyone around me just stood staring at me and woman on the till still scanning the shopping through and then she wanders back out of one of isles and I felt like crying at the relief she was safe and I had people look at me like I was shit mum!!! They are like ninjas I only have to look away for a second and they are bathing the guinea pig in the tadpole habitat or smearing sudocream all over my black rug it is so much harder with two!!!

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    1. haha brilliant! I remember my mum having a meltdown because my sister bathed the guinea pig in cold water and then pushed him down the slide....he died the next day!

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  10. Love this, I was the same, and now I am 'that' mum haha

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  11. "Mommy you want me take my PJs off?, But you told me to put them on yesterday.", " I know but you need to get dressed for school, put your uniform on". "This uniform?", "Yes". "This uniform that goeson my body?. "Yes". "This uniform that goes on my arms?", "Yes". "This uniform that goes on my legs?","Yes". "This uniform that goes on my----insert every last freaking body part my child has?". All while I am doing a zillion and one things trying to get a moody 8 year old and my five year old who as decided to be a complete pain in the smartass and play his favorite game of ' how many questions before Mom goes batshit crazy'. This was my morning before 8am so I know now not to judge a yelling in public Mom, I just smile,nod and thank god its not either of mine for once

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  12. Ha ha this morning going mental like a fruit loop because I gave my 4 year old a pink wafer in his new school uniform and he got it down him, then toothpaste down his jumper, while my 2 1/2 year old decides to take his nappy off as we are sorting the 4 year olds jumper out , then as I am collecting school bags and coats and locking the door to get them in the car they are digging in the mud in the back garden!! U dont really need me to tell you the rest. . .

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  13. And the questions don't even get easier as the kids get older ....
    Have you ever worked in a yo-yo factory?
    If you wanted to phone a policeman to see what he wanted for tea, would you dial 999 or phone him on his landline?
    Is it easy to die in Egypt?
    When you were little, were you allowed to play with brown people?
    If you were a soldier and your shoelace came undone, what would you do?
    If you're really poorly, will the doctors put you down?
    Was Popeye in the Navy or was he a salesman?
    If the temperature was minus 3027 degrees would you die?
    Yep, I know all too well that exasperated sigh followed by "for heavens sake, please just give it a rest!!!"

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  14. One of the reasons to hate summer.... After keeping my fishwife mouth shut for as long as possible with 4 kids who are testing me... I finally lose my shit... Only to realise the friggin windows are open.... What must the neighbours think..😁😁😁

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  15. I tend to say 'Go mum' sotto voce when we hear one shouting in public. I bet my bottom dollar that the shouting was deserved... :) solidarity - mine are adults now, but I've been there... :)

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  16. Thank god I am not alone, my days seems to consist of shouting my daughters name over and over and the endless " do not's, leave that and come here" have taken over my day to day vocabulary.
    And for the love of god why do they have to play with the most stupidest crap like the latest crap " the loo roll holder "
    So I thank you unmumsy mum is making me feel that my parenting is as normal as most

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  17. I always thought it was just me, I'm so happy to know there are others out there! (that lose their shit regularly) x

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  18. OMG! Can't stop laughing my head off. You all right there, same here. Looking up to retirement of 'mummy what?' Mummy this and that. Seem endless at the moment. The only time I am free is at bed time. Arrrgggghhhhh!

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  19. great to read this! I feel I shout far too much and I have now started shouting in public... endless talking and shouting and arguing and questions. Unable to have a conversation with my husband as 'this is really important mummy'... mummy... mummy'... Love first day back at school when I can finally have peace in the house and time to myself before work!

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  20. Oh god! Grocery shopping WITH CHILD/CHILDREN?!?! Get it delivered my friend or click n collect at the very least! X

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  21. Spot on! I get this every time on the bus or out side when they don't know that I just took 2 hours or more to even leave my house! I have four under four some days it's a simple GIVE ME MOTHERFUCKING STRENGTH.

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  22. Thank you! This makes me feel a bit more normal and less of a shit mum! I have a 3 yr old that I regularly have to chase, trying to control the 4yo who tries to help chase him down whilst trying to catch the little bugger is hard work! Not to mention the screaming he does because I won't let he do whatever he wants, I've learnt just to ignore that but it gets looks :/

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  23. Haha this made me me laugh bathing the guinea pig in the tadpole habitat! It is sooo much harder with 2 tag teamed i say i dont feel alone now :)

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  24. I shouted at my two in the supermarket last week, and simultaneously furiously threw the toothpaste into the trolley. The father-of-one who was approaching from the other end of the same aisle, looked at me with utter disgust and swerved to avoid me. That was a week ago and I still feel shame and guilt.

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  25. I don't have children myself (yet? maybe some day? who knows?) but my friends are starting to, and honestly, I don't know how they do it. I read this because a) it's hilarious, and b) it's an insight into some small part of what my friends' lives are like and hopefully I'll be understanding. I remember asking a friend when her baby was just 6 weeks old how she was doing. Not the baby, not them as a family, just her and she nearly cried because she said everyone always asked about the baby. I have come to the conclusion though that nearly all parents do the absolute best they can, and whatever works for your kids, works - so sod what other people are saying. I'm sure I was a nightmare as a kid so I secretly cheer on parents in the supermarket mastering their children's amazing antics!

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  26. Try having twins. Who won't sleep. And don't like to eat much either.

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  27. I love this article. Well said!

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  28. I loose it too sometimes.- However, I would like to hear the endless questions - I love those, spent my life so far finding out the answers to those ....but no, my boy has communication difficulties and so it's all funny noises and weird word subsitutions for me. Still pretty annoying though!

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  29. I have found myself screaming like a banshee (atleast 2 times day). My neighbours must think im a loony, but it really gets me nowhere. My kid hates being ignored so thats my new tactic (til later on probably). I just wish i could remember to leave out the swear words when i do lose it (i feel awful when i curse). On the plus side my psycho screaming has resulted in a child that is so well behaved and polite when with other prople i gush with pride, pity she is a little shit as soon as she us back with me. Suppose i gotta take the good with the bad. Good luck to all you brave/crazy folk that have had more than one. I have your back too :-)

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  30. I'm so glad it not just me, dont feel quite so guilty now.

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  31. I found myself shouting at my 3years old: for fucks sake, just walk! After half n hour of wanting to not walk or run away in the same time!! TBH I wasn't even sorry! I'm 8 months pregnant!

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  32. Oh how I wish I'd discovered you and read this before I discovered handsfreemama. I've been feeling so crap about shouting for so long. Handsfreemama saw a look of fear on her child's face and decided not to shout, just like that, the most she managed was 100 days! There I am struggling to make it to 100 mins, feeling shit every time I shout. But after reading this I'm feeling alot less crap. I'll still hate it when I snap and shout, but ur right, so soooooooo right, they push and push, anyone else wouldn't get away with a fraction of what they get away. I'll still try not to shout, but when I do, and lets be realistic, i will shout again, I'm going to cut myself some slack. So therapeutic to read your blog and comments and find out I'm not alone, I'm not a bad parent, I'm just human.

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  33. So grateful to read a sane real world mum view of parenting. I was travelling with two boys recently, one an overtired baby and the other asserting the fact he is two. the two year old had just run across a car deck of a ferry while it was loading (cue panic and angry shouting at relief he was ok), proceeded to steal food from the canteen style restaurant on the way to the seating area, and then refused to sit still despite being bribed with food. I had no sleep the night before due to teething baby. I needed 5 minutes and told the 2 year old to sit down and be quiet. a woman then said very loudly 'I do wish you would just be nice to your child, he is only little and all you are doing is being mean to him, you are not even engaging with him...' and proceeded to give me a lecture. turns out she was expecting her first... I hope she remembers and feels mortified when her time comes, as she made me feel like the worst parent ever at the time, combined with the pain of public humiliation!

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  34. Yes to the dismissing intelligent questions. Felt quite good when my eldest asked me what is gravity and I gave a brief but adequate explanation, but THEN "where does gravity come from?";"why don't aliens float when they walk on the moon?" Etc. etc.

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