Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Lesson 38: The Post-Having-Children Relationship Dynamic

Key areas of change to a once romantic relationship after small humans arrive. 

And no, I don't mean that kind of intimacy which is sadly not top of the agenda when a baby arrives (plus the only window of opportunity would mean missing Broadchurch. Silly billies). I mean openness with each other about things you would never have willingly shared before having children. Like things 'down below' (see Lesson 30) or boob-related agonies. 

One time, after Boy One was born, my boobs got so massive (or 'engorged' as they say at breast club) that my long suffering husband had to me out. Yep. Such was the agony of my temporarily enormous boobs, I had to get my husband to hand-express me. Interesting evening that one. 

Look at our happy rested faces. I hate us.
General topics of conversation, without disrespect, become quite dull. You won't realise they are dull because you are living in that all-consuming parent bubble. Time is allocated daily to discuss the meaningful questions in life, like: how many ounces of milk has the baby taken, where was the toddler when he went for his daily poo, how many packs of baby wipes are left (I told you we needed more, you weren't listening) and so on. 

You'll also learn that attempting any kind of adult conversation with small humans around is pointless. You will be interrupted every third word, toys will be thrown, sometimes at your head, and eventually you will forget what you were going to say anyway. Something about baby wipes?

And then there are the one-off phrases you never dreamed you would hear yourself say.

Like; 'Can you just give his bum a quick sniff?' and 'I think I'll give the wine a miss tonight. Can you make me an Earl Grey?' 

Or sentences which demonstrate beyond reasonable doubt that you are getting old, including 'no rush - I prepped the casserole earlier so it just needs to go in the oven' and 'Friday looks set to be the best clothes-drying day.' Seriously, what have I become? Is this it?

Time as a couple
Once the offspring have landed, time alone as a couple is largely non-existent. Instead, the most loving of acts will be to facilitate five minutes peace for your better half by taking over childcare duties. If you want to have a shower (or wee) on your own, or on the rarest of occasions stay in bed past 7am, your other half must occupy the children. Likewise, if he wants to watch the football without the toddler smacking him round the head with one of two lightsabers, you must vacate the living room and take the tiny terrors with you. It is an unsaid agreement that you give each other a break. What you never get to have is a break together

(It is also an unsaid agreement that your husband doesn't elaborate too much on his work day. Particularly if banter and/or grown-up snacks were involved. Because you have been at home all day playing Star Wars in your dressing gown, and this will make you want to stab him in the face). 

And when you finally do find yourself gloriously child-free at a nice restaurant? Well, you will eat your posh meal in thirty seconds flat (subconsciously trained to expect the mealtime meltdown) and then you will spend the entire evening talking. 

About your kids. 

'Isn't it cute when....' 'This is my favourite picture of them together!' 

Our favourite topic of conversation
Sad as it may sound, you become completely and utterly obsessed with those sleep-stealing buggers. You will also conclude all conversations with 'what the hell did we DO before we had kids?' 

And realise you were lazy bastards. It was magical. 

The Unmumsy Mum


  1. We were indeed lazy bastards. I wouldn't want to go back to that now though!

    1. Ha! Me neither, though I'd quite like a Lazy Bastard Sunday once a month :-) Thanks for reading!

  2. I can only assume you've been watching us and I find it a little unnerving! We also talk about the type of poo they have. ...

    1. Oooh yes, that's another interesting topic ;-) I haven't been spying on you I promise...ha. Thanks again for reading these!

  3. I miss having the time to nurse a hangover ... I daren't have one with a nearly two year old around

  4. Random things you say to your DS.

    Please stop hitting me with your giraffe
    Stop peeling those fish and get that monkey off your shoe

    Love your blog. Keep up the good work

  5. Can totally relate to you and this lol!!!

  6. Laughed until I cried!

  7. Lol! I a, grateful to report in that we are back to being lazy bastards, the kids are 10 and 7, zippeeee!

  8. Nursing a slight hangover whilst still in bed; Lazy Bastarding can return! Our boys are 11 and 9, and are trained in making tea and coffee!

  9. I wish this had been around when we were new to this parenting malarky. Nothing's changed it seems but the net gives a lot of comfort & support knowing you're not alone. If it's any help one day you wake up and you've grown 2 friends that you treasure and who no loner bug you (except for help with cars, houses weddings etc.). Ours are now 32 & 36 and the cycle is just just staring again with grandchild number 1

  10. I love your blog in general and this one was particularly appropriate today having just had that identical conversation about smelly bums, wine and tea this morning. Currently got peppa on loop- anything for peace x