Saturday, 24 January 2015

Lesson 42: The Night Feed in Five Psychological Stages

The thought process cycle in those desperately shit hours...

1) Hope
As the baby drifts off to sleep, sandwiched between the soft bunny comforter and the white noise contraption (who doesn't love falling asleep to the sound of an upright fan?) you allow yourself to dream that this could be the night. Tonight will be different.

2) Denial
You have been asleep for no more than five minutes and he is awake. This cannot be so, you think. You ignore the frantic crying and whack the white noise thingy in a last ditch attempt to settle him. This is a fruitless exercise, but you have not yet come to terms with the fact that he wants feeding. AGAIN. 'Just go back to sleep' you say quietly (at nobody in particular, whilst sobbing). 

3) The Stand Off
Now you have established that he is well and truly awake (he is the colour of a beetroot, half the street can hear his screams), you lie perfectly still. Your stillness sends a body language message to your husband. 

 I am asleep. I am not fucking getting up. 

You pray he will get up. 
He doesn't even stir. Marvellous.

4) Rage
You angrily turn the night light on, *accidentally* kick said husband in the ribs and declare 'How is he fucking hungry? Why is he being such a dick? This is ridiculous! Fucking RIDICULOUS,' as you whisk the baby out of his cot and commence the feed. Whilst sighing loudly. 

If your husband does wake during this stage, he can expect to hear you declare 'never having another one,' 'having another one was a mistake' and/or 'I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE.' If he doesn't wake up you will be so annoyed with his snoring* you will want to punch him in the face.
(*breathing)

5) Guilt
The baby smiles at you. Between the swearing and the start of divorce proceedings, that little bundle of agitated loudness starts cooing and gurgling. You now feel awful for having blamed him for ruining your life. And calling him a dick. What a terrible mother you are. So whilst feeding you whisper 'Shhhh. It's alright. Is that nice? Do you like your milkies?' etc etc. 

You then put him back down to sleep, where you have approximately 55 minutes before this cycle of doom starts again...


Lesson 42: Night feeds are completely and utterly shit. Send coffee.

The Unmumsy Mum

 I should add that the long suffering Mr Unmumsy does more than his fair share and I still kick him when he is asleep. Because he made me pregnant (twice). Bastard.



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39 comments:

  1. Misunderstood Mummy26 January 2015 at 16:21

    Hilarious! And so true, I lose every ounce of rationality on those dreadful hours! X

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  2. The Unmumsy Mum26 January 2015 at 20:16

    God me too...dark times haha! Thanks for reading :-) x

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  3. Unknown24 February 2015 at 04:48

    Thank you for writing this hilarious blog!! It provides hours of entertainment as I currently sit with a child on my knee, having been fed at precisely 4:41, I can still laugh about something! Although I'm sure my husband thinks iv finally lost it! Haha x

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  4. Ultra Toast Mosha God3 March 2015 at 21:56

    Reality bites. And pukes. And fills nappies. Loving the frankness. Great writing.

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  5. tired mummy4 March 2015 at 06:13

    Loved reading this! Was crying silently with laughter trying desperately hard not to wake baby after night feed!

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  6. sheena5 March 2015 at 03:24

    Sitting here reading this at 3am part-way through a night feed with deceptively sleepy baby in my arms, smiling to myself! Perfect timing and so nice to know I'm not alone. I'm even beginning to think Ewan the damn dream sheep is more for me than the baby...

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  7. Sarah5 March 2015 at 10:02

    dark times indeed and if one more person tells me their baby slept through at 3 minutes old I will launch nuclear attack.

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    Replies
    1. The Unmumsy Mum29 September 2015 at 16:12

      Hi Sarah, do you think you could email me (theunmumsymum@gmail.com)? I might like to use your quote about the baby sleeping through in my book amongst real life quotes from other parents (if you don't mind that is). Thanks.

      Delete
  8. Anonymous21 March 2015 at 23:45

    My youngest is two in June and still wakes up nearly every single night ��. I just got him back to sleep in his own cot without him making himself sick to get cuddles (yay) when I discovered too late that my 3 year old has put his noisy mooing cow toy in his brothers cot, they are now both wide awake arrggghhh. It's times like this that I wish the husband had bothered to stick around just so I have someone to kick in the ribs lol. I love your blog, so nice to know there are other people struggling along with me �� xx

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  9. San23 March 2015 at 23:09

    This brings me back to reality.. I do not want a 3rd! Every time I get that broody feeling I will read this post :D

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  10. rocksaltrebel8 April 2015 at 22:40

    The urge to punch the snoring, not even stirring slightly bloke still exists..did every single night feed for all three children... youngest is 13 months, and his ability to sleep through the morning Armageddon of three small children evokes the same old rage!!! :)

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous9 April 2015 at 07:03

      This bit made me laugh. My twins are now 7 but my husband would never hear them cry in the night . my evil glares wouldn't even wake him. Ha ha x

      Delete
  11. Anonymous8 April 2015 at 22:47

    Please don't hate me with this comment but I do miss the stillness of night and listening to the World Service in the middle of the night during night feeds - although I don't know if I would actively choose to do it without a child to look after!

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  12. basketcase8 April 2015 at 23:38

    Oh the memories.
    Dont miss them. At all.
    You also forgot several stages - including the trying not to scream (and failing) because baby has done significant damage to your nipples and it hurts, which leads to husband vaguely suggesting maybe we should stop breastfeeding. And who is rational about THAT conversation at 1am?
    :)

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  13. Oddsocks8 April 2015 at 23:59

    I've only just found you, Unmumsy Mum. But you have found a bit of me in all your posts!

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  14. Anonymous9 April 2015 at 03:20

    Yes literally ever 55 minutes.... What is that about!?

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  15. The Bike Chimp9 April 2015 at 03:26

    I still haven't entirely forgiven my husband for waking me at 7am one morning to joyfully share the news that our four month old daughter had slept through the night. She hadn't. He had. A nearly fatal error on his part!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous9 April 2015 at 07:48

      Hahaha my husband did the same. He woke up one morning and asked if our little boy had slept through. All he got was a cold hard stare and "No."

      Delete
    2. The Unmumsy Mum29 September 2015 at 16:16

      Hello The Bike Chimp do you think you could email me (theunmumsymum@gmail.com?) I might like to use your quote in the book amongst other real life stories from parents (if you don't mind that is!) Thanks.

      Delete
  16. Anonymous9 April 2015 at 07:52

    That blog really made me smile (it's still morning, I can't muster much more emotion than that!), it's EXACTLY what happened last night, every. bleeding. hour. I'm glad I'm not alone!
    I've only just discovered your blog but I'm loving it! it's keeping me sane as you seem to touch exactly on what's going on in my irrational life of being mum to 2 under 2.

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  17. Anonymous9 April 2015 at 08:11

    Ha, the over empahsised sighing. My husband NEVER wakes, I could drop
    an anvil on his head Wylie Coyote style and be still wouldn't stir. So the sighing continues and I add in some loud tuts...all in complete vain. Nothing is waking that man up. In the morning he tells me I look tired and I should get some rest. I'd bury him under the patio, if I had the energy...

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  18. Anonymous9 April 2015 at 08:40

    Love this! Nearly laughed so loud I woke my sleeping baby!

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  19. Anonymous9 April 2015 at 09:17

    So so so true. Those night feeds were the loneliest and the most despairing hours of my life. That was when the baby blues REALLY kicked in. Sobbing at 4am when you haven't yet been to sleep just leaves you more knackered and wrung out. The irony was that when nighttime came round again, I didn't want to go to "sleep" because I knew I'd be awake again so soon and it'd make me feel even worse! I've not yet forgotten hubby getting up at 7am complaining he was tired when I hadn't been to sleep in over 24 hours. He had the nerve to say I was being grumpy too. You can imagine my reaction...

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  20. bathlander9 April 2015 at 16:40

    I love this! I have a 7 week old (my first) and am finding everything extremely hard. Your posts help a lot! I wrote my own version of this one... Hope you don't mind that I borrowed (stole) your idea :)
    http://countedshadows.com/wordpress/?p=786

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  21. Anonymous10 April 2015 at 13:24

    Wow the night feeds, a real rollercoaster of emotion, I remember when I first had my twins and staying up all night for weeks, I gave up breastfeeding just so I could drink wine, it got a little easier though when they were about 3 months old and I would dual feed them in them in their bouncers whilst watching the comedy channel, laughter was the only medicine getting me through the dark times! At 2.5 years old now my boy/girl toddlers have me stressed, screaming and pissing myself with laughter every day.

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  22. Anonymous11 April 2015 at 17:38

    Either I had exceptionally good babies or the bad memories fade with time, I think that means there are many more good things than bad about being a mother but maybe you have to be a grandmother before you realise it. Keep at it mums, laughing together will help you through it and years from now you (like me) will have forgotten these nights

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  23. Anonymous23 July 2015 at 11:59

    After having two crap nights in a row and he's now asleep and im despairing that we'll have yet another sleepless night this post still got a laugh out of me.

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  24. Unknown23 July 2015 at 12:14

    Yes yes yes love this comment!

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  25. Anonymous23 July 2015 at 14:34

    Finally someone who understands perfectly and exactly how I feel! I'm going to save reading these posts for the middle of the night feeds when I'm in tears with tiredness and on the verge of castrating my poor husband with a infacol syringe!

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  26. Unknown23 July 2015 at 20:38

    Hahahaha what a brialliant read! I would show hubby for a laugh but then he might suspect some intention in all those accidental nocturnal kicks ;-)

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  27. Anonymous24 July 2015 at 04:01

    I love this. I have now just accepted that my son 9 week old son is a sadistic, nocturnal, future psychopath. He sleeps literally all day... just so he can then wake up at around one and stay awake until eight, making just enough noise to not wake dad up, and just enough 'I'm choking to death' noises to keep me awake. I'm sure dad's offered enhanced pocket money rates when the time comes to ensure the noise levels don't rouse him.

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  28. Anonymous24 July 2015 at 19:11

    Haha love this! I'm still breastfeeding so my husband can't help out at night yet! But does this little light nudge with his foot to me when baby starts crying, it's soo annoying!lol I'm like yes I can hear the baby is crying being at the denial stage!

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  29. Anonymous26 July 2015 at 21:31

    Haha, how well I remember this stage! And my husband telling people how will baby sleeps at night while I GLARE at him.

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  30. Unknown2 October 2015 at 04:01

    So pleased that the co-sleeper we bought is proving to be an excellent alternative to a bed side table whilst child sleeps on me...money well spent!

    When I say sleep what I actually mean is thrash around wildly, wiping snot all over my chest before passing out after 1 minute of feeding only to wake up the minute I move a muscle...and repeat.

    Oh and the threenager will be up shortly.

    Husband has removed himself to the spare room...if it wouldn't wake the baby I'd get up and go next door and kick him.

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  31. Anonymous11 March 2016 at 18:23

    I'm 17 months in and still want to punch my husband as he breathes restfully in his sleep.

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  32. Anonymous13 December 2016 at 07:32

    Brilliant, this really cheered me up as is exactly how I'm feeling. Baby is 7 weeks old so just starting to read your posts.

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