Friday, 16 January 2015

Lesson 39: What You Say vs What You Secretly Think

Situation One
A fellow parent makes a comment about your child. Such as 'gosh isn't he small for his age?!' or 'wow she's a handful! Have you tried the naughty step when she does that?'

You say: 'Yes' (with a weak smile and nod) or 'thanks, we'll give that a go.'

You think: Who died and made you fucking Supernanny? (Though if we are offering unsolicited advice, you might want to teach your child to share. And wipe his nose).

Situation Two
A childless colleague yawns, then tells you they are 'shattered' after a late night.

You say 'Oh dear. You need an early night tonight then! Do you want a coffee?'

You think: I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time for MONTHS. I'm so tired I fall asleep standing up. You chose to go out for drinks or stay up late watching Breaking Bad last night because you still have free will. You lucky child-free bastard.

THIS is what tired looks like (pre-concealer).
Situation Three
Another child pushes your child or steals their toy at playgroup. The parent apologises. 

You say: 'It's fine, don't worry!'

You think: Get that toddler terrorist away from my baby. 

Situation Four
People keep asking you about your 'days off.' As in, 'what are you going to do with your days off this week?'

You say: 'Not sure yet. This and that!'

You think: That's right; my days OFF. I think I might go shopping, paint my nails, drink wine with friends, go to a fucking spa. I HAVE TWO CHILDREN UNDER THREE. What do you think I will be doing? My three days at work are more relaxing.

Situation Five
The baby starts to kick off at the supermarket checkout. A 'helpful' stranger advises: 'it sounds to me like he's hungry dear!'

You say: 'Yes he's due a feed. Impeccable timing as ever!' 

You think: No shit Sherlock. Shall I whip my boob out before or after I load these tinned tomatoes onto the checkout?

Do we look like we need your advice? 
Situation Six 
Somebody asks you how you are finding life with a baby.

You say: 'Pretty manic! But I wouldn't change it for the world!' 

You think: I no longer sleep, or wash, or eat anything other than fish fingers. I can't remember the last time I went out, and these days an unaccompanied trip to the dentist is something I look forward toSo yeah, sometimes I actually would change it for the world. 

In hindsight, I should have got a dog.

The Unmumsy Mum


  1. As always you hit the nail on the head!

    1. Phew - glad it's not just me! Thanks for reading :-)

  2. I love this blog!!!! Thanks for being so truthful. It has me crying laughing over my brew (that i have just reheated for the second time) xx

  3. Here here! I shall never complain about being tired after a late night again.

  4. So funny. I remember those days. Mine are now 7 and 9 and thank goodness we are back to sleeping at night. Hang in there. It does genuinely get better. A lack of sleep can destroy you. x

  5. I Remember when my kids were little I had to have a weekly trip to chiropodist over several weeks - it was very painful ...... I LOVED it! I always had to wait as she always overran - I sat on a chair on my own & read HELLO & OK without being interrupted, then I sat in a reclining treatment chair with head & footrest for HALF an HOUR!!!! Bliss!

  6. Only found this blog yesterday and addicted already. Now I don't feel so lonely :)

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  8. Love your blog! As a new mum (5 weeks in) your blog is exactly what I need to keep going through the tiredness!!

  9. Bloody brilliant!!! A likeminded friend alerted me to your blog. I was thinking about doing one myself about real life motherhood but now I don't need to. You've captured it all so well, it's hilarious and sooooooo true and I love the swearing. So refreshing. You will have saved many mothers from sinking into depression and offered support for many more. I wish I'd read it when I had my first son as I felt my life was over and felt like I was a freak for hating most of it. Good work unmumsy mum - you are a lifesaver. Bex (mother of 2 boys aged 3 & 7). XX

  10. This annoys the hell out of me... being a childless working professional [who incidentally can't have kids, so think about that next time you're so eager to push your tiredness in our faces], remember: you did choose to have children! Yes, i'm sure it's bloody hard work, but still you could have not had them...

    1. You're quite right, I did choose to have children. I am very aware of how lucky I am to have children and this post was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, sorry if you found it in any way offensive. Best wishes.

  11. If it annoys you so much, why are you reading it?? It's hardly being "pushed in your face" when you are choosing to log in :/