Saturday 3 January 2015

Lesson 35: The Sugar Coating of Social Media

For years I've wondered how others make parenting look so easy. They all look so happy all of the time. And gradually it has dawned on me that social media is like an imperfection filter. Any flaws or moments of unhappiness are sifted before we hit the share button. 

Our timelines are full to bursting with happiness. Beautiful shots of our kids on beaches, selfies on sofas, posh meals out, loved up couples and happy family times that rightly deserve a like and a comment. The good bits.

This is, of course, only natural. We hit delete on the photos that give us four chins. Or those where our children look anything other than cute. We share statuses reflecting good news, good friends, good times. 

But what lies beneath? What about the other times? I don't mean the 'I'm so pissed off right now' cryptic statuses that wind everybody up (if you're not going to share why you are 'absolutely fuming' then don't bother telling us all, just a thought). 

I mean the everyday gripes of normal life. For every nice shot of my boys I know I have ten more that should never see the light of day. For every 'this little monkey got me up early' status there are ten 'this little shit is bloody hard work, pass the wine' thoughts underneath. Our instinct is to share the airbrushed version, the Instagram edit, the specially selected statuses.

The original photos, the days we would sell a kidney to have some kid-free time and the mundane everyday statuses are the real 'news feeds' that go unreported.

The picture I chose to share five days after I had given birth. I put make up on in the car.
The reality of life five days after giving birth. Still in my pyjamas at midday with unwashed hair.

Since starting this blog, I have received an overwhelming number of messages from other mums who tell me they have at times really struggled. They have felt like they are failing. They have felt alone. They have largely felt that it has simply not been okay to share moments of difficulty or boredom or frustration when everybody else is coping so well. Or so it seems. I've come to realise this is probably why people bother to read my random blog musings at all - because regardless of whether my posts are any good they have always been based wholeheartedly on real life.

Of course I will continue to use Instagram (way slimmer in Valencia) and periodically pose my boys for snaps, and tell you when I am so very happy. But I will also balance it out with the other stuff. A montage solely of the best bits is not who we are.

Lesson 35: If you are having a bad day (or week) just remember that your Facebook timeline or Twitter feed should come with a disclaimer. You may feel like everybody else has the life you want but in reality they may not even always have the life they want.* Social media is not real life

*Though if you are anxiously waiting for the masses to comment 'I'll PM you hun' maybe just send a text?

The Unmumsy Mum


19 comments:

  1. Yes! As someone once said to me "this generation of children will only have a beautiful history". Interesting to see where it all ends up in twenty years time :/

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    1. So true! I delete photos I don't like when they are still on the camera. Sad really, because I used to like the 'out-take' type photos you'd get when you had to get a camera film developed! Time will tell how social media impacts the next generation...thanks for reading :-)

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  2. I f@cking LOVE this!!!! Bravo!!!! X

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  3. I completely agree with Helen's comment above. Fantastic, honest and very welcome piece. Well written you! x

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  4. Thank you! I did have some reservations about letting a picture of that dressing gown loose but hey, all to make a point! Thanks for reading :-)

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  5. Hahaha! This had just made me laugh out loud!! I'm as guilty as the next girl of posting my 'best bits'. But then, every once in a while, I'll chuck in a 'real life' pic, just to restore the equilibrium (oddly enough, these are the ones that provoke the most comments!!).

    Totally with you re the 'leading comments' too - these drive me nuts. Especially when followed by comments from well wishers (who probably don't really give a shit) that read; 'Hugs', 'Are you OK hun?', 'What's happened lovely?'
    I wish NO-ONE would comment. Ever. Perhaps then they'd stop fishing for sympathy and get on with things. Quietly!! Such a great post - happy new year pet! X

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    1. Hahaha! You are spot on!!! Either tell us why your ex is 'a massive toaster' or don't bother. The comments are the worst - I like to call them the 'facilitators' haha. Thanks so much for reading :-)

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  6. I keep ALL my photos, I don't delete any, not the fuzzy ones, not the ones of Boo picking her nose while sat on Santa's knee, I want to save everything but you are totally right, only certain ones get shared, maybe we should all start sharing the REAL ones =) Sometimes it's nice to know that you are not the only one who is finding things a little (or a lot) tough =)

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    1. Ahhh in years to come the 'imperfect' pictures will be the gems you will treasure! I am going to make an effort to go easy on the deleting this year and save the fuller range of memories. Thanks for reading :-)

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  7. I'm not yet a mother, although I hope to be in the not too distant future and I love reading your blog. What a refreshingly honest account of parenthood. I'm pretty sure that I will be guilty of a fair amount of 1st time parent fussing, when the time comes, but your posts have definitely shown me a more realistic and reasuringly NORMAL perspective. Thanks a lot.

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    1. The first time fussing is inevitable, but you will at least recognise the signs! Thanks for reading; and all the best if you do embark on the motherhood journey... :-)

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  8. I really loved your post. Just the other day I read an article that says most people feel depressed after being on Facebook and seeing all the perfect, filtered lives their 'friends' are having. Your blog really drives the point home that none of it is real. That the pics and the statuses we are really are the edited bits! Great post!

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    1. So true! If you are having a bad day a quick glance at Facebook can make it ten times worse!! Remembering timelines are the 'final cut' does alleviate that. Thanks for reading :-)

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  9. I keep all the photos but I'm guilty of only posting the good ones!
    My wife and I have been loving your blog since we found it. It's made us laugh more than once! I'll be back that's for sure! Honest parenting at its best!

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  10. I totally agree. The only thing that stops me putting a 'reality check' type post is the fact that my son may one day have access to my facebook profile. Though if I can think of a funny way to do it like you do then maybe I might get awsy with it! Ha ha.

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  11. You know seeing what other people do with their kids somehow make me feel like I'm not a mumsy mum. Thanks for showing me that I'm just as much as a mum as the rest of them. Thankyou x

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  12. I love your blog - just come across it - As a newly qualified Health Visitor ( sorry!) I would love to share thiese blogs with my new mums! Think the pjs vs yummy mummy is so hilarious - am a culprit of this myself! x

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  13. I love this post (and all the others I've read on the way to this one like some mad stalker) I am now quite good at seeing through the 'beautiful' pics and realising its not true to life. I live in Cyprus, and people think I am living the dream 24/7, I have 2 kids and yes in some respects I am living my dream but I didn't realise the dream would be so bloody hard! I rarely blog about the bad bits though - my mum would kill me if nothing else!

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