Wednesday 7 January 2015

Lesson 36: The Doctors Surgery

Yesterday, I had the misfortune of taking both children to the doctors. Sat in the waiting room, with ten minutes to spare before the baby's appointment, I thought I was doing quite well. We were there on time and nobody was crying. So far so good.

Things started to get a little hairy when The Toddler lay down on the floor of the waiting room. When I asked what he was doing, he shouted 'I'M RESTING!' What do you even say to that? He wasn't screaming, so I gave up and let people step over him on their way to reception. 


And then at the exact moment The Baby started kicking off, The Toddler decided he needed the toilet. Excellent.

After it became apparent he couldn't hold it ('it's going to come out Mummy!') I had to pass the baby to a random but very kind old lady so I could fulfil toilet duty. With my first baby, I am relatively certain I would not have left a total stranger in charge. This time, I think I would have considered leaving him with the homeless man from the subway if it meant we'd avoid a toilet accident. It was a good job we didn't chance it, as said toddler decided THIS was the appropriate moment for his daily poo. FML. 

I'm not going to go into great detail, but it wasn't pleasant and I'm sorry to anybody who visited the loo after him - there wasn't a toilet brush and we were in a rush to check the baby hadn't become plot inspiration for the next series of The Missing. 

She hadn't snatched him thank goodness. In fact she was holding him up in the air and he was laughing his head off, obviously delighted with his new Grandma. Granny Stranger. 

Granny Stranger then informed us that during the time we had spent in the toilet we had missed the call for our appointment. Of course we fucking had. 

So the now hungry and tired baby had to wait another twenty minutes for the doctor whilst The Toddler proudly advised the other patients 'you must wash your hands! Bottom bottom farty pants.' 

Lesson 36: Don't take two children to the doctors. 


13 comments:

  1. Love it!
    I hate it when you take them, they've been at deaths door all week worrying you sick and then the second you walk through the doctors door they're fine - Playing with the germ encrusted toys and giving strangers smiles. I always have to stay to the doctor "they weren't like this at home", then I just look like the typical hypochondriacal parent taking his children to the doctors for a cough.
    One trip to the doctors did make me laugh though. My eldest daughter has got a black dolly (she calls Doll Doll) and as we were leaving she wanted Doll Doll to be in the carry car seat. A old gentleman held the door for us and as we left he says "I see you've got your hand full... And I see Woggy has got the best seat!". No shielding your children from some things!

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    1. Haha that made me laugh out loud!!! You can only shelter them so much! And yes, totally agree that they miraculously perk up when seeing the doctor, the little buggers. Thanks for reading :-)

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  2. I love that it's not just my toddler that can time to perfection the need to poop just when my hands are full with the baby! Even if I've checked minutes before, my poor second child is getting very tolerant of being whipped of the boob and abandoned! I have to stop myself thinking it's a deliberate plan.

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    1. I'm sure my 4 year old son forces a poo out at 6am followed by cries of "mum can you come and wipe my bum" just so he can get up at 6 and not have to wait until the gro clock changes at 7am

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    2. You mean my 4 yr old isn't the only one! They're sneaky little buggers at times!

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  3. It's not truly related to doctors surgeries but since I am currently in one with a bad back I thought I would share my morning.. A race against time to get the 4 yo and 2 yo ready by 9:30 when my amazing friend was coming to collect them to avoid aforementioned doc surgery issue. Usual threats, bribes, chocolate promises if they will just get dressed without hanging off me like tarzan when the 2yo informs me she has pooed in her brother's room. Fastforward to me (who should be lying flat in a zen like state listening to soothing chimes) bending repeatedly (swearing like a builder under my breath) to pick up tiny handed and gretel style rabbit shits that my daughter has left me all the way to the toilet. With my bare hands. Thanks a fucking lot.

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    1. As a 27 yo with no kids yet, I'd like to say thanks for your honesty. No one ever tells you about things like this! You deserve soooo much wine! ps. I hope that you get a bit incontinent in old age haha xx

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  4. I had a similar experience which was made worse by the fact my cat had followed us to the surgery. Upon leaving the bathroom I heard the receptionist shouting "there's a cat in here!!" I then proceeded to watch her and the doctor trying to usher her out whilst I sat silently mortified and in denial that not only my two children but also my cat had created chaos!!

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  5. I've had many occasion when my children make a miraculous recovery. It's usually made even worse when taking two of them. Once my daughter tried to climb up on the bed (very high) and then proceeded to try and wreck the room. Interested in everything but her favourite toy. Sleep deprivation didn't help. Next time maybe chocolate would keep her still. I was so apologetic to the doctor (very handsome) I might add but I guess they get use to it. I felt like I needed extra arms and eyes in the back of my head!

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  6. Love it, this happens to me EVERY TIME in some variety or another. I love how you just roll with it missus (even though must be stressful at the time). Your blog is truly fab. F x

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  7. Went one time with the youngest (4)who hated the doctor with a passion. She screamed bloody murder when she was getting her height checked. Finally, seeing the doctor in the room, she sat on my lap ready to be seen. He wheels himself over in the spinning chair and leans into her... Only to be kicked in that very sensitive area as hard as possible! He had to excuse himself. He also retired soon after! Haha :)

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  8. My boys are a lot worse, normally running round, climbing on chairs etc!!! Always get the death stare from the receptionist telling me to control my children!!!!

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  9. Yep totes hear you here!!!! Classic missing the appointment!!!! Livid!! Granny Stranger is comedy!! I left docs the other week and missed appointment as mad second child was being so mad and had major hangover so gave up and got a taxi home!!! she then smiled at her Dad when arrived home!!!! ARRRRR always funny to share xxx

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